OMG! As y’all know, I’m Animal Lover Georgie first. I have been looking out for the gerbils and sheep of this world since the sexual 1990s began and carried throughout today. I am credited with stopping 96% of the sheep sexual abuse, but the statistic is only 20% accurate. It’s good enough for me. YA HEARD!
I did my daily check of zoos across the nation and came across some shocking news. Benderson, a LEGENDARY orangutan, had committed suicide while listening to Justin Bieber music, leading many to suggest that there are subliminal messages or back-masking messages within his music. Really? Really? This writer isn’t going to sit on his hands unless he’s holding something vibrating. Ja-ja…he-he…who dat…YA HEARD!
Firstly, many are asking how Benderson, the leader of a group that they have called “Orangutans of Faith”, citing a strange fascination with the bible and other works of fiction, got his hands on a gun, leading to his brain-splattering suicide. I am going to settle this matter right now. He had a right to own a gun like everyone else and if you don’t like that, suck my shlong you FOOL!
Benderson 1 Day Before his Suicide ( A Huge Bieber Fan)
Benderson was suffering from OOD (Orangutan Obesity Depression) and was having issues with his weight for sure, but he was working on it you assclown. My father got in trouble last week in prison when he called another inmate fat. When big Bubba got him from behind, he sang a different tune that I would call “screaming.” It’s kind of funny if you think about it. Ja-ja…he-he…dang.
I have put the call out to all of my LEGENDARY friends and they all had their own comments about the LEGENDARY Benderson.
“When I heard that Benderson killed himself, I thought I was California dreaming, but he caught a bullet to the head and was on the bottom of the world. This Justin Bieber music should be investigated. You never heard of somebody blowing their brains out or blowing anything when they listened to the Beach Boys. Nice try fellas. Suuuuuuure. R.I.P. Benderson. You were my beach baby, beach baby, there on the sand. Yeah, I know it’s not my song. Sue me.” – Brian Wilson
“My fellow Americans, the death of the LEGENDARY Benderson has raised some serious questions about gun control. I want our orangutans to be safe and my wife will be working on making them slimmer. Benderson was so fat it was disgusting and we have enough ugly Americans as it is. We don’t want ugly and fat Americans. But, I need the people of Wal-Mart to vote for me, so I will stop there. I have no choice but at this time to once again revisit the idea to increase gun control. I cannot have another dead fat orangutan. I’m Barack Obama and I approve this orangutan suicide.” – President Obama
“When I heard about Benderson, it broke my achy breaky heart. I remember back in 1993, when I came to the Bronx zoo and Benderson was just a little baby and I sang to him and the fat shit took a dump on my best cowboy boots. I was ready to kick him like a football but my jeans were too tight. They made my balls squishy wuishy and I don’t think I understand why they now resemble silly putty. I now wear loose fitting jeans and they feel great! I can now twerk with the best of them!” – Billy Ray Cyrus
“I have friends in low places and now I’m feeling low as I found out that the great Benderson let the thunder roll through his brain. I am dedicating my next concert to him and I’m planning a large crowd of at least 10 to 15 people to show up for it. Hey, I may not be popular but at least I don’t let my daughter go out there and feel up some guy’s jock with a foam finger…ain’t that right Billy Ray you fool!” – The Garthfather, Garth Brooks
Benderson Laughing at an amusing Bible quote
(Note: Comments may not be those of listed LEGENDARY celebrities: Brian Wilson, Barack Obama, Billy Ray Cyrus or Garth Brooks, the Garthfather)