Doctor Curmudgeon®: The Good Doctor’s Official Anti Depressant

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAFP

Today, the Good (0r not so good) Doctor Curmudgeon is in the midst of a curmudgeonly depression. This is known to her as a “dent,” not a deep depression.

All of us, who live with, and access our inner curmudgeon, often feel grouchy. This is known as the Low Serum Chocolate Level Syndrome (or Hershey-Godiva-See-Norman Love Et Al Disease) and can be palliated with instant chocolate. It is incurable. But it is sustainably treatable.
In the midst of my depression, I began to think.

One piece of chocolate left in the house. And by that, I mean one small square of dark chocolate. This is not good.

When I feel gloomy or “the world is too much with us”, I reach for the dark chocolate, savor it and feel better.

Chocolate should be appropriately marketed…possibly from a corporation of physicians who could call themselves: The Doctors Chocolate Company.

With an MD on one side and a DO on the other side of each exquisitely wrapped piece, it could be sold, as is everything else, on the internet.

Perhaps the behemoth, Amazon, would take us in as a specialized boutique.

We could have all kinds of chocolates, dark, cream filled, white, milk, fruit and nut filled.

It would be very expensive, because that would mean it was better than all other chocolates. And of course, the wrapping and venue would mean it was the best.

We don’t need FDA approval.

All we have to do is say:

It may possibly, in some people, slightly decrease depression, but we don’t guarantee this, and have not tested it for depression in good, non industry sponsored, cross over double blind studies. Our evidence is anecdotal. May be taken as often as you like or crave. It is not necessary to have your serum chocolate levels tested frequently. DO NOT GIVE TO YOUR DOG, DUE TO THE POSSILITY OF SERIOUS REACTIONS IN THOSE OF THE CANINE PERSUASION.

The above would be in small letters, of course, except for the canine warning.

And a warning for those with elevated blood sugar levels.

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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