Doctor Curmudgeon®: Send In The Clones!

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAFP

It was a dark and gloomy morning.

I staggered through the rain, walking between the drops in order to stay dry. Of course, I forgot my umbrella

Walking into my office, I gasped

I blinked

I held my breath

There, seated at my desk was ME!

Doc Curmudgeon® (gasping) who …what…how …what on earth!!! Who are you?

Clone: (grinning) I’m your clone. You’ve been asking for one for a long time. And, by the way, can’t you see that I’m busy…reviewing our charts?

Doctor Curmudgeon®: Huh? But…but…but

Clone: Why don’t you go home and go through the check list I left there while I’ll see the patients in our office.

Doctor Curmudgeon® stands in the doorway, stupefied and quiet

Clone: (continuing) or do you prefer it the other way?

Doctor Curmudgeon®: I think I’ll go home.

Clone rises as Doctor Curmudgeon® backs away.

Clone (handing out a purple ribbon to the good, curmudgeonly, but confused physician) Here, Doc. Tie this around your wrist, so you’ll know which one of us are you. Sorry, we couldn’t use red, but the Kabalah people took that color.

And so I went home.

I made some espresso.

I sat down and read a journal

I checked out the list my clone had made. Not too bad.

Folder with bills due

Calls that had to be made

Did Laundry

Rested some more.

With a spring in my step, 8 hours of sleep and breakfast in my tummy, I approached my office door.

Feeling a frisson of fear, I checked my wrist. Yes!!!! Purple ribbon. It had really happened. Joy returned to my peaceful world. I had help. Someone filled out the forms. Did all the dirty little hateful tasks that stand in the way of being only a physician. I could just see patients today and my lovely clone would stay at the desk doing the drudge work.

Joy has returned.

At the door to my office, I stopped.

Horrified

Rooted to the spot

Filled with fear.

A CLOWN SAT AT MY DESK! I hate clowns. I am terrified by them.

I sputtered.

The clown made awful squeaky noises as he grinned and said,

“You idiot! We can’t do clones. We only do clowns. And the song is ‘Send in the Clowns,’ not clones.

“Fortunately, here I am”

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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