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<\/a>By Diane Batshaw Eisman MD FAAFP <\/strong><\/p>\nIt was nothing much.<\/p>\n
I think it was a toaster from which I had to forcibly extract the toast.<\/p>\n
Or maybe it was the clothes dryer that took a loooooooooooong time to dry a few things.<\/p>\n
It could even have been the washing machine with the teeny tiny slow water leak.<\/p>\n
I no longer remember. And I do not have dementia.<\/p>\n
As you read, you may understand why I have tried to block as much of the memory of that phone call as I was able…and then again you may not (but I doubt it)<\/p>\n
On the first page of the manual of the item, it said something like:<\/p>\n
TROUBLE SHOOTING GUIDE<\/p>\n
And then it listed several possibilities and what to do<\/p>\n
And then it said,<\/p>\n
IF NONE OF THE ABOVE HAVE HELPED YOU, YOU MAY CALL
\nCUSTOMER SERVICE<\/p>\n
US\/CANADA 1-888-888-8888<\/p>\n
IF YOU LIVE ACROSS THE POND, CALL<\/p>\n
88-888-888-8888<\/p>\n
ANYWHERE ELSE ON THIS PLANET<\/p>\n
8-88-888-8888
\nIF YOU ARE ORBITING THE EARTH,<\/p>\n
Don’t call us, we’ll call you<\/p>\n
THOSE ON OTHER PLANETS MAY WAVE AND HOPE WE HAVE ACCESs TO THE HUBBLE<\/p>\n
And, so I called<\/p>\n
Then I had to go through button pressing of many options.<\/p>\n
Fimally, after much cursing and screaming things like:<\/p>\n
Representative<\/p>\n
Agent<\/p>\n
Customer service<\/p>\n
Human being ….and in final frustration…<\/p>\n
Robot….<\/p>\n
I reached a person<\/p>\n
It took quite a while to explain my dilemma. Finally the customer service agent said that he understood. After which, he apologized 57 times and then restated my problem incorrectly!<\/p>\n
I expected no less because, after all, this is customer non-service!<\/p>\n
The representative then proceeded to look up my data again said, with wonder in his voice, “Oh! I see this object is under warranty<\/p>\n
I restated my problem, clearly, spelling out words.<\/p>\n
He said, “Hmmm….. please wait.”<\/p>\n
He probably went to the flow sheet in his guide.<\/p>\n
An aggravatingly, hair pulling, growling time later, he returned to the phone and asked me. “Where did you purchase this?”<\/p>\n
I answered.<\/p>\n
More apologies and then he obviously hit the flow sheet again.<\/p>\n
Coming back on the line, he inquired, “Was this a gift?”
\nDehydrated and famished from my lengthy telephone stint, I shrieked, “No! I bought it for myself! And why should that matter? I have that stupid warranty.”<\/p>\n
“There is no need to shout at me. If you cannot treat me respectfully, I will hang up.”<\/p>\n
Of course, I humbly apologized, after investing so much time on the phone.<\/p>\n
“Can’t you help me?” Was my plaintive cry.<\/p>\n
Once more on hold.<\/p>\n
“Good news,” he said. “It is a part that you need and we have it and can ship it to you. You will receive it in seven to ten days.”<\/p>\n
I sighed so loudly that the house must have shaken.<\/p>\n
But my joy was short lived.<\/p>\n
The agent then inquired, “Please give me the credit card that you prefer to use.”<\/p>\n
There was a pause as I gathered my voice together. “Credit Card? Why, on earth, why? That thing is under warranty. I should not need to give you any credit card information.”<\/p>\n
I could just hear the smile in his smarmy voice, as he said, after apologizing six times, of course,<\/p>\n
“But, madam, while you were on the phone, your warranty expired!”<\/p>\n
Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.<\/p>\n