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<\/a>By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist\/cardiologist<\/strong><\/p>\nAs per usual, Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae was growling.<\/p>\n
This was such a common occurrence that the rest of the Curmudgeon household routinely ignored those deep and heartfelt noises.<\/p>\n
To what new vexation were these groans related?<\/p>\n
What new irritation had dared to darken the quirky mood of the small, crumpled looking physician?<\/p>\n
Of course! Telemedicine! Long had she railed against its inadequacies. Since her office was temporarily closed, she was now coerced into using this means of \u201cseeing\u201d her patients. Here she was \u2026in pajamas\u2026no makeup. Seated in front of her mobile phone, she found herself face to face with a patient!<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cHi there, Doc. Good to see you\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cGood to see you too. Do you have the list of your vital signs? Blood pressure? Pulse? Temperature? Weight?<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cOh, yeah, Doc. Already emailed them. But doc…what\u2019s that thing on your head?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cIt\u2019s a headband.\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cWhy? What for?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cTo keep my hair out of my eyes. I have become accustomed to seeing.\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just trim your bangs?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cI am not allowed near a non-sterile scissors.\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cWhy is that messy pile of papers obscuring the lower part of your face?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cEventually, they will be scanned into the computer?\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cIn what year?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cNot funny. This call is about you. How are you feeling? Any complaints?\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cNah, I\u2019m fine, just need prescriptions refilled and haven’t seen you in months.<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cWell, anyway I want to go through what we call a review of systems\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cSure, I\u2019ve got time. But what is that odd shape that\u2019s now on your desk?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cA cat.\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cWhy do you keep a cat on your desk?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cI do not KEEP a cat. The cat keeps me\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cWhy are you wearing a mask? Has it come to your attention that we are not actually together?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cBecause I had already put the mask on correctly and I am about to go outside and get the mail.\u201d<\/p>\n
PATIENT: \u201cI am proud to say that I don\u2019t wear a mask. They are really stupid. Have you looked at all the photos of the president? Ever seen him wear a mask?\u201d<\/p>\n
DOC: \u201cYou\u2019re a tad confused. Listen carefully: MASKS GOOD. MASKS NOT STUPID. PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WEAR MASKS\u2026STUPID!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
CLICK!<\/p>\n
Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.<\/p>\n