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<\/a>By Cristina Pivonka-Garcia <\/strong><\/p>\nI wrote the following article five years ago during the Fifty Shades of Grey frenzy. At the time, every single one of my girlfriends had a copy. I had the entire trilogy. I would read one and pass it on to the next friend and so on. It was hot. It was explicit. It was the perfect mix of power, vulnerability, and romance. To the BDSM community it was a mild and slightly inaccurate depiction of the lifestyle. But women over 30, who were past the age of the Twilight obsession soaked it up. Fast forward five years later, these same fans and their younger counterparts are introduced to 365 Days, which has skyrocketed to the top of the Netflix Most Watched movie list. Why the renewed interest in this type of erotica? In many ways, 365 Days is like the 50 Shades of Grey series, but with far more graphic sex scenes. It tells the story of a mafia boss who becomes obsessed with a woman who he subsequently kidnaps. She must stay with him for 365 days. If she doesn\u2019t fall in love with him in that time, she can go back home. If she does, she can stay. At this point you are either rolling your eyes or are quickly Googling the movie. But I digress\u2026<\/p>\n
I wondered how this type of movie would fare given the current climate and the \u201cMe Too\u201d movement. Older women would be smart and sophisticated enough to distinguish between fantasy and reality (hopefully). What about younger women? Let\u2019s just say that the current trend on the popular video social network TikTok, where users post videos of themselves watching 365 Days sex scenes has taken off. Thankfully, I have an inside source. As of this writing, #365days has 1.1 Billion views. And #365movie has 154.5 Million views. I\u2019d say that the younger generation approves. By the way, my source is Emily, my 19 year old daughter.<\/p>\n
So let\u2019s look at the criticisms. I will preface by saying that I am not going to get into whether the plot (and I will get to that later) in this movie somehow suggests that consent can be retroactive, or that rape is justified when or if the other party \u201cenjoys it.\u201d In reality, BDSM is based on very strict, meaningful contracts between consenting adults. Most mainstream critiques are about lack of PLOT. First, nobody who finds out about this movie on Tik Tok is remotely interested in a compelling or engaging story line. Almost 40% of users are under 20. Another 30% are between 20 and 29 years of age. Secondly, there is a difference between women\u2019s erotica and men\u2019s erotica.<\/p>\n
In general, we see a common theme in women\u2019s erotica, which often contains references to BDSM. Author Rachel Kramer Bussel says, \u201cWomen’s erotica is valuable, though, to those looking to read about women’s lives, and probably one thing that distinguishes that from some erotica about men is that we’re then usually talking about what else is going on in a woman’s life beyond just who she sleeps with and how she has sex. To make a broad generalization, erotica geared toward women is about how the rest of a woman’s experiences play into her sex life and choices around sexuality. Yes, women are interested in practices like spanking and bondage and being in submissive\/dominant relationships, but I think beyond the specific ways BDSM plays out, what’s refreshing about kinky erotica\u2014and why women authors gravitate toward it\u2014is that it’s a space that allows women to ask for what they want outright and to own those desires. Often, you’ll see stories where the dominant partner, of any gender, is commanding a woman to expressly articulate her filthiest, naughtiest, most out-there desires in order for them to be fulfilled. She’s being “forced” to say “I want this or that,” and that might be something that would make her, and likely many of us, blush or squirm or be filled with uncertainty. But it is also something that completely turns her on, even if she doesn’t know why.\u201d<\/p>\n
Movies like Fifty Shades and 365 Days allow us to ask ourselves what do we want, need, like and why? In my own exploration of women\u2019s erotica and BDSM I found the need to challenge myself to do something out of my comfort zone. Most in the \u201clifestyle\u201d will tell you that BDSM is not about sex and it is NEVER abusive. It is in fact, quite the opposite. It is about exploration, power, submission, intimacy, arousal and so much more. It is about fantasy, mystery and the unknown.<\/p>\n
Without ruining the mood, let\u2019s compare it to American wrestling. WWE and similar wrestling entities are all about theatrics. Elaborate costumes, dramatic back stories and feuds are meant to elicit excitement or a build up before a match. Similarly, BDSM as depicted in movies is meant to elicit arousal, and challenges the viewer to ask some deep questions about their own sexuality, needs and desires. It compels you to discover something other than the missionary position or \u201cvanilla\u201d sex. Do you like to be spanked? Do you like being tied up? Do you like to be the one spanking?
\nThese are the questions I asked myself, and ultimately why I own a pair of fuzzy handcuffs\u2026<\/p>\n
Why I Own A Pair of Fuzzy Handcuffs<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Maybe it\u2019s my inner teenager, a fondness for Twilight fan fiction or just the fact that the sex scenes are steamy and hot.<\/p>\n Regardless, there are a slew of critics that will tell you that the movie doesn\u2019t accurately depict the BDSM lifestyle\u2014that it\u2019s just a watered down Hollywood version created to sell more sex toys, lingerie and an entire product line including fragrances named after the entity.<\/p>\n I would imagine that to the hard core BDSM community, this book is a joke, albeit one that has allowed thousands of women and men a glimpse into something that the mainstream really knows little about even though it has been around for a very, very long time.<\/p>\n Some feminists might tell you that Anastasia is a victim, while others will say that she uses her power and free will when she seeks out a relationship with the mysterious Christian Grey. \u201cShow me,\u201d she says\u2026and indeed he does. Then I realized that most of the hoopla surrounding the book and movie has to do with whether Anastasia Steele is in an abusive relationship.<\/p>\n And this is no joking matter.<\/p>\n As a woman, a wife and a mother I am pretty opinionated. I\u2019d like to think I\u2019m pretty responsible too. I\u2019ve raised three wonderful children, I get a check up every six months, I make sure my kids eat healthy and I pay my taxes. But every now and then, when the kids are gone and the house is empty\u2014and in the privacy and safety of our bedroom. I don\u2019t mind being blindfolded and spanked. Now there are a lot of really strange things that go on in people\u2019s bedrooms and I don\u2019t feel the need to judge. I am a firm believer in \u201cwhat happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom.\u201d<\/p>\n But let\u2019s talk about what is abuse and what is not abuse.<\/p>\n If, after years of marriage my husband texts me and says \u201cI\u2019m on my way home, get naked and in bed\u201d you better believe that\u2019s exactly where I\u2019m going. For me, this is hot. And after a long day at work, making tons of decisions, and after dealing with kids and bills and all of the other not sexy things in life, I find some light kink a welcome respite from the real world.<\/p>\n If I surprise my husband by standing at the top of the stairs in a leather catsuit with a whip and some killer leather stilettos and ask him to crawl up the stairs to get his \u201creward\u201d\u2014you better believe he won\u2019t be complaining or reporting anyone to the authorities. I don\u2019t know a single man who would.<\/p>\n The key in all of this is that everything above is consensual. And this is what the critics of 50 shades are missing. What goes on the bedroom, as weird as some people might think, is not abuse if there is consent. And face it. What I like might not be what you like. Some people like to be kicked, pooped on, tied up, hung up, dipped in wax, gagged, beaten and humiliated. If it\u2019s consensual, as much as it may be repulsive to the mainstream, it is not abuse. And so it is in the book and the movie.<\/p>\n Anastasia consents to a contract and a relationship with Christian Grey. Not everything in the book or movie follows the BDSM community\u2019s golden rule of safe, sane and consensual, but is simply a movie. In the real world, there are strict rules that community members adhere to that most people don\u2019t know anything about.<\/p>\n Those in the mainstream, and particularly the religious right should be careful when throwing out words such as \u201cabuse\u201d without really understanding the fact that there are many different lifestyles that include behavior that is not necessarily socially acceptable. Socially unacceptable doesn\u2019t always mean morally wrong, illegal or abusive. Depending on the state, there are still antiquated laws in the books that say that certain types of sex are illegal. As for me, I will continue to keep the fuzzy handcuffs and the satin blindfold in my nightstand, hoping for the next time\u2026<\/p>\n
\nI\u2019d like to think that in 2015 we aren\u2019t still hung up on using vibrators.<\/p>\n