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<\/a>By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist\/cardiologist<\/strong><\/p>\nDoctor Curmudgeon\u00ae sits at her computer (of course, where else would she be these days?)<\/p>\n
This column is titled \u201cOne Starry Night\u2026\u201d only because that phrase felt very soothing to her.<\/p>\n
Previously, she had answered questions in a column, but with the advent of telemedicine, many people preferred to seek her advice \u201cface to face.\u201d Although, she was now able to be seen, she still refused to put on makeup or dress well. Her lounging attire was good enough! (However, she did continue to shower)<\/p>\n
LET THE TELEMEDICINE BEGIN!!!!!!!<\/p>\n
This is a transcript, unedited, of portions of some of those calls<\/p>\n
PATIENT: Hey, Doc thanks for straightening out my meds. But I have another problem\u2026so don\u2019t go away.<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: OK.<\/p>\n
PATIENT: I don\u2019t know what to do about the noise.<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: Noise? Ringing in your ears? This is new.<\/p>\n
PATIENT: Nah. It\u2019s the neighbors.<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: I can\u2019t discuss other patients.<\/p>\n
PATIENT: Oh no, Doc. I don\u2019t know if they\u2019re your patients. And I won\u2019t name names.<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: I don\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n
PATIENT: I can\u2019t sleep, because they have parties outside and laugh and play music until 2 AM<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: (Wishing he could not see the expression on her face) So what? You\u2019re staying home. You can sleep in the day.<\/p>\n
PATIENT: But I want the noise to stop.
\nDOCTOR: (with visible face slap). Just call them and tell them politely to keep the noise down after a certain time.<\/p>\n
PATIENT: I don\u2019t have their phone number.<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: I don\u2019t believe you\u2019re wasting my time with this. Just put on your face mask, stay at least six feet away and talk to them!<\/p>\n
PATIENT: OK, But I won\u2019t wear a face mask. They\u2019re my neighbors.<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: Then just get ear plugs and suck up the noise! (now screaming) Always wear your face mask outside\u2026unless you have a death wish!<\/p>\n
PATIENT: You are a nasty person. You are screaming at me.<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: And you are an idiot!<\/p>\n
And another telemedicine experience for Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae<\/p>\n
PATIENT: Hi, Doc. This is just great. I am walking, exercising just like you always want me to do.
\n(aside:\u201dHy there\u2026good to see you. Nah\u2026I don\u2019t have to wear a mask. It\u2019s the great outdoors!)<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: (Too horrified to even make a sound)<\/p>\n
PATIENT: Doc? Are you OK? You just seem to be staring at me<\/p>\n
DOCTOR: You stupid idiot! JUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK!<\/p>\n
A MESSAGE FROM DOCTOR CURMUDGEON\u00ae<\/p>\n
As others before her have screamed JUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK!<\/p>\n
(EDITORIAL NOTE: THIS IS GALAHAD AND AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I AM THE SIBERIAN HUSKY WHO KEEPS THE CURMUDGEON HOUSE RUNNING AND ESPECIALLY WATCHES OVER THE SMALL BIPED CURMUDGEON. THE PHRASE \u201cJUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK\u201d IS NOT ORIGINAL. LEST SHE BE ACCUSED OF PLAGIARISM, I FEEL THE NEED TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. THIS PHRASE CAME FROM MANY DIFFERENT SOURCES AND IT IS UNCLEAR TO WHOM \u201cFIRST PERSON\u201d OF THIS PHRASE CAN BE ATTRIBUTED.)<\/p>\n
Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.<\/p>\n