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<\/a>By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist\/cardiologist<\/strong><\/p>\nDoctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is so very fortunate. One of her patients is an actor (this term is not gender specific) on a television series.<\/p>\n
And, of course with so many areas of great concern at this time\u2026issues of health\u2026politics\u2026economics \u2026the physician\u2019s most important worry as she listens to her patient\u2026has to be: \u2018Oh, my goodness, how can television series programming continue? With all the actors and participants wearing masks? Staying a minimum of six feet apart?\u2019 Constantly washing their hands? How can the catering services stay safe? Keep actors, producers, gaffers and everybody safe?\u2019 Yes, of course, that is her greatest worry.<\/p>\n
So, as the doctor attempts to determine why the patient has contacted her, he\/she continues to ramble on about what the actor perceives as a career problem. She is unable to direct him to talk about his main complaint, ailments nor can she conduct a lucid review of his various organ systems.<\/p>\n
The good doctor snorts.<\/p>\n
She tends to snort a lot these days.<\/p>\n
\u201cListen Doc,\u201d continues the performer. \u201cYou\u2019ve got to come over here and save me.\u201d
\nMore snorting.<\/p>\n
Silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease, I can\u2019t stand this. We\u2019re in the middle of our twentieth season\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo\u2026\u201d commented the physician.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really don\u2019t understand, Doc. We get close to each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
More snorts as Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae responds. \u201cListen up. You can each film separately and then splice the shots together or something. We are surrounded by technology. Your people can work with that. This is not something that I need to be talking about now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDear, dear doctor, It\u2019s not your fault that you have no understanding of how we film,\u201d<\/p>\n
Her snorting now becoming painful, she responds, \u201cI have things to do. Just tell me what you need\u2026medically\u2026that is. Don\u2019t bother me with explanations about how TV filming works. Have you ever noticed that I\u2019m not a showrunner\u2026and never intend to be\u2026?<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd by the way\u2026just wear your damn mask!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoc, listen. You don\u2019t understand. We can shoot for six months at a time!\u201d<\/p>\n
On her Telemed screen, Doctor Curmugdeon \u00ae scratches her head and looks quite bored, as her patient continues.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut, doc. Our showrunner wants things to look the way they used to be and just continue with our story arcs. Just hear what they plan to do to us!\u201d<\/p>\n
Wiping anxiety induced sweat from his brow, he continued, \u201cA month before we start to shoot, they\u2019ve got nurses coming to our homes and doing tests for Covid. Then they make us self-isolate for 14 days. At the end of the two weeks, if our tests are negative, a separate limo comes for each of us and we are taken to a penthouse suite with outside pool and exercise room. We\u2019re each in a separate suite and then locked in. When we film, a hazmat suit is placed outside our door and we\u2019re supposed to put it on. When we\u2019re suited up, we take the elevator that is in the suite and walk outside where a limo with our name on a placard waits, and somebody with gloves and masks opens the door and then we can go to the studio where we each go to a separate room and get make up and clothes for the scene\u2026it\u2019s disgusting\u2026I\u2019m calling my agent. It\u2019s not in my contract.\u201d<\/p>\n
He contained in obvious anguish, \u201cAnd then, they keep sticking that thing up our noses to retest us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s called a swab.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t care what it\u2019s called Doc.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about food?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, we just pick up the phone and order what we want and there\u2019s a separate dumb waiter that brings it up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course,\u201d commented Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you still get your full salary?\u201d queried the small physician. \u201cAnd is this all paid by the production company? Nothing out of pocket?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, yes and yes again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnything you want to eat? At any time? Day or night? Weekends and Sundays? Do they need any extras? I have experience.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoc, you\u2019re not hearing me\u2026.this is a terrible way to live. Get me a medical letter. Do something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHmmmm\u2026..Let me make sure I understand. You will receive your full salary. You\u2019ll be living in a luxurious suite. In a luxurious hotel. You will have an outdoor swimming pool. You will have your own private exercise room. Anything that you want to eat, you\u2019ll have delivered. You\u2019ll just have to do your job and be driven to and from your work? None of these living expenses will come out of your own pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, that\u2019s about it. It\u2019s awful.\u201d<\/p>\n
After picking herself up from the floor and emerging from her fit of laughter\u2026<\/p>\n
\u201cWelcome to the Hotel California.\u201d<\/p>\n
(DISCLAIMER: It is necessary to remember, at all times that Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is a satirist and her columns are often simple illustrations of what could be, might have been, will possibly happen, something she dreamt or a light bulb illuminating cloud which wavers above her messy head)<\/p>\n
(AND YET ONE MORE DISCLAIMER: This column is not an original idea but was first proposed by Doctor Hero, Doctor Curmudgeon\u00aes husband and partner as a way to continue viewing television programs as they have been in days of yore, maskless!)<\/p>\n
(AND A FINAL DISCLOSURE: Hotel California belongs to the Eagles and is not at all, in any way, shape or form original with this writer. Her understanding is that it is a commentary on excesses and Hedonism here)<\/p>\n
Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.<\/p>\n