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<\/a>By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist\/cardiologist<\/strong><\/p>\nDoctor Curmudgeon had concerns when she heard someone on the porch.<\/p>\n
It was Fedex banging on her door. Of course, nobody in the household opened the door, but the physician peeped through the little hole with glass in it. Seeing the Fedex person, she screeched, \u201cJust leave it at the door. We\u2019ll get it later.”<\/p>\n
Hours later, after being drenched in alcohol, followed by Lysol, followed by a swash of hand sanitizer, Doctor Curmudgeon managed to open the envelope.<\/p>\n
Fedex rarely boded something good, so the physician had fortified herself with a square of dark chocolate.<\/p>\n
Examining the envelope, she did not recognize the sender; just \u2018sender not available.\u2019<\/p>\n
That sounded worse.<\/p>\n
As her serum chocolate level rose, she gained more confidence and looked at the letter inside.<\/p>\n
\u201cGreetings! From the Most Perfect Environment Friendly Society of Luddites-of which you had previously been granted most exalted membership.<\/p>\n
\u201cApologies for the use of Fedex, but pony express was not available at this time for this urgent matter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe dip quill into ink bottle and with our quill in hand, we address you<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are to reveal to nobody except, if necessary, family members- the contents of this.<\/p>\n
\u201cA car (as stage coach is not available at this time either) will appear at your door in five hours. You will enter and be seated. You will not speak. If you recall your oath of membership, speech can occasionally be unnecessary and disturb the calm of the environment.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt came to the attention of the board two years ago and we have, after much deliberating, as is the want of a true Luddite- come to the conclusion that it is time for Doctor Curmudgeon to defend herself. It had been noted that you may have deserted many of our principles. We do understand, as a physician, the necessity of certain machines and computers to allow you to practice and be in compliance with the onerous, too-modern, too-mechanized rules of various agencies overseeing Medicine.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou may bring any documents that you deem necessary to support your continued membership in this esteemed society<\/p>\n
\u201cThis epistle is ended as we do not want to waste any more stationery.\u201d<\/p>\n
At first, Doctor Curmudgeon was horrified. Of course, she was still a modern Luddite. Although the Luddites of today no longer destroyed machinery in protest, there was leeway.<\/p>\n
In her defense, she still used a fountain pen filled with ink (although it was now a cartridge, because she had spilled far too many bottles of ink all over her desk and person).<\/p>\n
Handwritten thank you notes were mailed, rather than texted or sent by email.<\/p>\n
She supported snail mail.<\/p>\n
She avoided texting as much as possible.<\/p>\n
And there were so many other ways in which she was true to the modern Luddite oath.<\/p>\n
But the most important of all: secreted in a locked drawer of her desk was an item that would assure that she remain a valued member of the society.<\/p>\n
Dressing carefully in tailored, simple cotton clothing, actually combing her hair, she awaited the Luddite car<\/p>\n
The rest of the Curmudgeon household anxiously anticipated the return of the small physician.<\/p>\n
What transpired at the meeting cannot be disclosed. The whereabouts of the meeting cannot be disclosed. It can only be disclosed that the meeting was held and Doctor Curmudgeon appeared before the Grand Council.<\/p>\n
Returning from the meeting, Doctor Curmudgeon was greeted, of course, by the entire family. Nobody dared to utter a word, fearing her loss of membership.<\/p>\n
However, a huge smile decorated her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll is well. I brought my secret into the open. You all know that I hate to use a calculator\u2026 that I often do simple math in my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut there are times when I need a little help<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd here it is\u2026I just solved the math problems they threw at me\u2026with this\u2026MY OLD ABACUS!\u201d<\/p>\n
Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.<\/p>\n