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<\/a>By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist\/cardiologist<\/strong><\/p>\nOn Planet Earth, there does exist Curmudgeonland. And as most of you know, Dr. Curmudgeon is proud to consider herself a denizen of this growing group.<\/p>\n
Also on this planet, there exist a few beginning journalists who are anxious to find filler. Any filler.<\/p>\n
And so, Doctor Curmudgeon has, on occasion, responded to a very green and anxious journalist by hosting a question and answer column. The column is live, and at the same time, quickly typed by the unsuspecting reporter into a previously respected newspaper as part of their lifestyle features. The fledgling journalist has not time to read what she is typing. He just types away, thrilled by his own touch typing facility.<\/p>\n
Adjusting her headphones, the small physician sits at her computer and begins the session.<\/p>\n
PERSON One: \u201cOh, doc, so glad you are here. I\u2019ve been having a problem with my mask.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cRidiculous! No problem. Just put it on and take it off. Always use the strings. Don\u2019t touch the front of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
PERSON ONE: \u201cYou don\u2019t understand. I\u2019ve been washing my masks in the hot cycle, because hot is always better to decontaminate\u2026and the masks are a mess and hard to use. I tried the cold cycle, even though that is not as good\u2026because I know these things\u2026but the mask came out just as bad. Help\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: (After picking herself up from the floor) \u201cYou are an idiot!\u201d<\/p>\n
PERSON TWO: \u201cDoc, you don\u2019t have to be nasty. Although, that listener was not too bright. My question is really medical and important. My significant other insists on a black mask, because we all know that black stops stuff from penetrating\u2026but I really love my lavender mask with the hearts on it. I just want you to tell him what an idiot HE is! Thanks.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cNo comment.\u201d<\/p>\n
PERSON THREE: \u201cBefore you say anything, I just want you to know, doc, that you really don\u2019t know everything. And, if that person who washes their masks in the washing machine just dumps them in hydroxychloroquine and hand washes them, they will be just fine.\u201d
\nCURMUDGEON: \u201cDo you have a question or I\u2019ll just hang up on you.\u201d<\/p>\n
PERSON THREE: \u201cYes, I have a question. And this is one that a lot of us have and it is really medical. How do you breathe with the mask on?\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: (After several face slaps) \u201cAny way you can.\u201d<\/p>\n
PERSON FOUR: \u201cDoc, you can\u2019t be mean on this question. It\u2019s for our survival. So listen up. We have to get off this planet. And the moon is being colonized. My girlfriend and I are ready. But I\u2019ve been hearing that it\u2019s better to wait a couple of months because Mars is a better choice because of the water.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cIs there a question there? Please remember that I am a medical doctor not the head of NASA.\u201d<\/p>\n
PERSON FOUR: \u201cOh yeah, this is right up your alley. We\u2019re packing and getting ready and want you to write us prescriptions for meds we may need on Mars, so we can get a pharmacy to fill them as soon as we arrive\u2026and we can be protected from diseases in case we can\u2019t find a doctor right away.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON \ud83d\ude41 Resuming breathing after hearing the question) \u201cYou ask. I answer.
\n\u201cDon\u2019t worry. All meds will be supplied. This is very important, so listen carefully.
\n\u201c Pack one suitcase with essentials right now. In twenty seven minutes, you must be outside or you won\u2019t be able to join the group on Mars. You may have to stand outside for a day or two, but you cannot leave your positions as the global satellite has picked you up and you are now registered. If you go back inside before the two days are up, you will be deregistered and somebody else will take your places
\n\u201cYou have to stand six feet apart from each other, wearing three masks each, and keep your right feet ahead of your left feet. You must also be pointing East.
\n\u201cOn your chests, you have paper taped that says, \u2018We are ready for Mars.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
PERSON FOUR: \u201cSounds great, Doc. You are the best! What about our hair dryers? Will we need European adapters?\u201d<\/p>\n
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\n(For those of you unfamiliar with the above, it is something journalists have used to indicate that their copy is ready for typesetting)<\/p>\n
Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.<\/p>\n