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<\/a>By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist\/cardiologist<\/strong><\/p>\nIt may be a new year, but it is still the old Doctor Curmudgeon.<\/p>\n
She has achieved some renown for her question and answer calls which had also been published by a local newspaper.<\/p>\n
And so, a local radio station has decided, in their infinite wisdom and courage, to have the physician on the air for a call in session.<\/p>\n
In further proof of the station\u2019s bravery, the program manager has decided not to censor these calls. There will be no time lag wherein the producer can hear the call and the physician\u2019s answer before being aired. This unsuspecting gentleman undoubtedly believed that since he was able to survive a climb of Mount Kilimanjaro in his youth\u2026what could possibly go awry with hosting a local, respected physician answering questions?<\/p>\n
And so, the phone-ins began:<\/p>\n
HOST: \u201cHappy Saturday afternoon to all of our listeners. Welcome to our weekly Saturday afternoon program \u2018This week in the Land of the Hanging Chad.\u2019 \u201cToday, we have with us one of our area\u2019s best-known physicians, Dr. Curmudgeon and she has graciously consented to spend the next part of our program answering medical questions. Dr. Curmudgeon, the mic is all yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cOK. Here\u2019s the first caller.\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER ON: \u201cHi.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cYou\u2019ve got a question?\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER ONE: \u201cI keep hearing that walking is so good for your health. And you should walk 10,000 steps a day. But, how do you count them?\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: (after an audible groan) \u201c1\u20262\u20263\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER TWO: \u201cI want to kiss my significant other, but I don\u2019t know how long we can keep the kiss going. How long is safe?\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cYou seem to be the kind of person that would do best just googling away and asking the internet. Just hit that browser!\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER THREE: \u201cIf only ten percent of my brain is used, how can I use more?\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cStop asking stupid questions.\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER FOUR: \u201cHow do I clean the tires on my car?\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: You\u2019ve got the wrong show.\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER FOUR: \u201cWait. Wait. Don\u2019t hang up. You said we should check the internet and it says that COVID virus is transmitted through tires hitting the road and they should be cleaned.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cIf the Internet tells you to have your dog lick them clean, don\u2019t do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER FIVE: \u201cI think you\u2019re sarcastic.\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cIs that a question or a statement?\u201d<\/p>\n
CALLER FIVE: \u201cHuh? I\u2019ve got a question. Should you breathe through your mouth so you don\u2019t get the virus in your nose?\u201d<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cI\u2019m sure this is the not first time you\u2019ve heard this: You are an idiot!\u201d<\/p>\n
HOST: \u201cI know that Doctor Curmudgeon is just joking. \u201c<\/p>\n
CURMUDGEON: \u201cNo, I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n
HOST: \u201cThank you so much, Doctor Curmudgeon. I know you have to run off and save some lives. And until next Saturday, be sure to tune in same time, same station to \u2018This Week in the Land of the Hanging Chat\u2019<\/p>\n
Doctor Curmudgeon\u00ae is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.<\/p>\n