Attention Pac-NUTS: Manny Pacquiao is NOT a God
By Eoin Redahan
Grandfathers are probably spinning in their graves. “They’re worshipping who now?” they ask, mid-revolution. “A diminutive boxer with a bad moustache and a fear of needles? Whoever heard of a God advertising odor blocking body wash on his website? Of course, things were different in my day: Our deities had thunderbolts, fire, brimstone, and vengeance. This Pacquiao character can’t even knock out a walking punch bag with a peek-a-boo guard. I could give you six reasons why that Filipino fighter isn’t fit to wear the jockstraps of other Gods:”
Reasons
#1 – Lightning bolts
Believe it or not, Manny Pacquiao isn’t the first boxer to have thrown a lot of punches in a round. He threw an impressive 1231 punches against Joshua Clottey but landed only 246. While he landed at will against Miguel Cotto, he did only throw 780 punches when pitted against a more aggressive opponent. No one is questioning that Pacquiao has enviable speed and output, but others have been more prolific. Antonio Margarito once threw 1675 punches in a fight, and Cecilio Espino landed over 600 times against Luigi Camputaro in 1992. Even at super middleweight, Joe Calzaghe threw about 1,000 punches in his bouts against Jeff Lacy and Mikkel Kessler; and featherweight world champion Celestino Caballero recently threw 1250 punches (landing 325).
#2 – Weight a minute
How heavy were you at age 16? I would wager that you were at least 30 pounds heavier in your late twenties, even before the effects of overindulgence became apparent. Many worshippers of the Filipino crooner seem to trumpet Pacquiao’s movement through the weights as an unworldly achievement; yet, in reality Pacquiao is not as far from his natural weight as many people think. Yes, it is impressive, but with all due respect, he did start his professional career as a 16-year-old light flyweight. If he had won world titles at seven different weights starting at featherweight where the caliber of opposition is higher, then this achievements would be almost incomparable. As it is, his multi-weight achievements arguably don’t surpass those of Thomas Hearns, Sugar Ray Leonard, Roberto Duran, Roy Jones Junior, and of course, Sugar Ray Robinson.
#3 – Not by the wobble of his chinny chin chin
Not many Gods have been knocked out in their time, though some have retired due to loss of allegiance. Even the progeny of Gods rarely get knocked out more than once (see Achilles and his pesky tendon). Generally, they like to stay out of the reach of mere mortals in clouds or lofty kingdoms.
While Freddie Roach has tightened up Pacquiao’s defense, he still receives far too much punishment to be considered in unworldly terms, furthermore, the weight-drained knockouts of his earlier years will forever besmirch his perfect record and should disbar him from ignoring people’s prayers and raining plagues on infidels.
#4 – Styles make fights
Pacquiao has looked superb against the less couth brawling types and against weight-drained former greats with kangaroo meat diets; however, he has sometimes struggled when he has come up against slick technicians and classy counterpunchers. Lest we forget, he was out-boxed against Erik Morales in their first bout when the Mexican was past his prime, and it could be argued that he deserved to lose at least one of his bouts against Juan Manuel Marquez. While he was masterful, Oscar De La Hoya, Miguel Cotto, and Ricky Hatton, the latter pair are not exactly renowned for their ring craft and elusiveness.
When Jesus met the devil in the desert, he encountered a wily, colubrine opponent with many tricks and maneuvers; but, in the end, he prevailed through evasiveness and a decent right cross. If Pacquiao is to be considered in the pantheon of boxing Gods, then he too must convincingly beat the best technicians in the game. Surely his credibility must take a hit if he chooses to fight more bangers in Andre Berto and Antonio Margarito instead of Floyd Mayweather, JR?
But would Pacquiao lay a glove on the master craftsman, or would he be humbled in the same manner as Juan Manuel Marquez? Now, if Pacquiao were to prevail in the clash of the titans, then maybe his status could be revised. For the moment though, it seems that both boxers are succumbing to human insecurities and are artfully bobbing and weaving away from facing each other
#5 – Winners and Gods don’t use drugs
Libations, drunken orgies, and infidelities were standard practice for the Greek gods at Mount Olympus. But, despite their vices, they were never accused of using intravenous methods to attain their omnipotence. Similarly, benevolent creators are credited with conjuring performance enhancing drugs, but they never suffered from allegations of personal consumption, and they certainly never cowered in the face of small needles. Sadly, the same cannot be said for the Pac Man. While few believe that he is juicing, his failure to dispel lingering allegations – and his inability to stand up to syringes – have detracted from his aura of invincibility and holier-than-thou persona.
#6 – Manny Miscellany
Point number six comprises an unrelated miscellany of other reasons why Pac fans are wrong to worship their hero with bended knee and obsequious bow:
Look at any pictures of Zeus or the classic depiction of a Judeo-Christian God, and they are endowed with impressive beards. Pacquiao, by contrast, has sprouted a very uneasy looking goatee, having previously gone for the straggly moustache and bowler haircut combination. It is common knowledge that bowler haircuts and incomplete beard lines are completely unacceptable in immortal realms.
Thirdly, it is not unknown for Gods to engage in political campaigns of sorts, but rarely do they have names as cringe worthy as The People’s Champ Movement, nor do they get assimilated into bigger political parties.
Gods tend not to undertake careers in music or film, unless of course they can sing or are portrayed by a noble-faced actor. Gods are also almost never reserves in an army. Moreover, they preside over groveling troops with countless charms clasped close in the vane hope of fortune and divine approval.
And finally, how many Gods do you know that have had mentors? They’re supposed to be the ones doing the mentoring. Freddie Roach has been called a miracle worker on occasion, but perhaps it is taking it too far to suggest that he is a tutor to the Gods?