The Cawthorn Menace – Episode One

By Nikki Slusher

There are a number of members of Congress who should never hold their office again. While this includes individuals from all sides of the aisle, however, the list is currently dominated by Republican names. There’s the usual obnoxious loud mouthed Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz, the homely Jim Jordan, and Lauren Boebert who barely graduated high school six months before taking office.

Some other unforgettable characters include Paul Gosar who made a weird anime graphic of him killing President Biden and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Louie Gohmert who asked a U.S. Forest Service official if they could change the Earth or Moon’s orbit to help fight climate change. While these may not be the best – and definitely not the brightest – bunch of hatriots offered by the GOP, they sure as hell have come to find a following that supports their vile lunacy that funds their egos and campaigns.

One name is recognizably missing from that list. Not only does he put the dumb in free-dumb caucus, he also has quite the reputation for aggressive sexual behavior which was vastly known amongst his former classmates before and after he failed out after two semesters. Although he claims he stands for our democracy, this person gave a speech to the crowd that ended up attacking the Capitol. He has even continued this type of speech throughout the last year with constant open calls to Civil War larpers like himself, claiming now is the time to use those Second Amendment rights against the tyrannical government and anyone with opposing views. Our least favorite comrade also believes in making women and young girls give birth to their rapist’s baby because it’s a blessing from God, but couldn’t stay married to his own “earthen vessel” for nine months.

There’s also his knack for using alternative facts, or basically making shit up whenever he feels like it. For example, he will tell you he was in a terrible car accident where his friend left him in a burning vehicle and ultimately paralyzed him which led to him not being able to attend the Naval Academy. If you ask anyone else – literally any other person involved – they will tell you his friend saved him and he was rejected before his accident. Or maybe you’ve heard him give his bizarre story of taking a 36 hour ferry ride into St. Petersburg, Russia, with his friends to go gambling (even though it’s illegal in St. Petersburg) after discovering he had $100 in his pocket in Sweden where he then randomly met an Army captain named Todd at said casino (which I must emphasize does not exist) who months later randomly invited him to a fake CrossFit Tournament just to introduce him to his soon to be ex-wife.

Within the last week a group of lawyers filed a lawsuit to prevent him from running for re-election citing that he violated Section 3 of the 14th Amendment, the clause that was added after the Civil War to prevent Confederates from holding public office, which means he violated his oath of office for his role in the Jan. 6th insurrection. This same representative ran onto Charlie Kirk’s podcast shortly after to rant about the radical left’s socialistic agenda, Nancy Pelosi, and the deep state targeting him.

I know this description fits quite a few members of Congress, but I’ll narrow it down for you. Rep. Madison Cawthorn, please step down into the spotlight for this week’s fuck that guy trilogy. Light travels faster than sound, which is why Cawthorn initially looked bright before he spoke. Cawthorn is the epitome of no matter how many cardigans you may wear still doesn’t increase your functioning brain cell count.

Hope you enjoyed getting to know a little bit about the youngest member of Congress.

Stay tuned for “Episode Two – Attack of the Cawthorn” coming later this week.