The Final Bell With Lawrence – A Comedic Boxing Column (Starring This Week Manny Pacquiao & Floyd Mayweather, JR)
By Lawrence Owens
(CEO/Publisher Note: On behalf of the entire team at RSR, I want to welcome a very funny man and a cat that really knows his boxing to the Team. If you have the chance to catch Lawrence on any of his tour dates, you will see what I found out in person at one of those gigs. Francis Albert Sinatra had Don Rickles who traveled with him and had him in stitches with gut busting laughter. Well, I don’t claim to be Francis Albert, but Lawrence travels with me as well and like Don did to Frank many times over the years, he put him on the floor from his comedy and Lawrence has done the same to me!)
Hello RSR Readers and welcome to my debut article. Each week, I am going to be talking about a sport that I love that we all know called Backgammon. Wait, if I recall, “Bad” Brad said this was a Boxing site when he hired me. OK, I was close. It does start with a B. Nobody ever got knocked the (insert expletive here) in a Backgammon match, but they surely have in the “Sweet Science”. Being a full-time Professional Comedian that currently travels up and down the East Coast performing, I have a lot of time to think about Boxing and the 30 plus years I have followed it. And though I am a “Sports Junkie”, I love Boxing the best. So I hope you enjoy my columns and feel free to leave comments or email me as well because all emails or comments will get a reply. If you come out to one of my Comedy shows that are listed on my promotional page here on RSR, feel free to come up to me after the show and throw some hooks, I mean some lines about boxing…. So without further ado, here we go…
As a boxing fan, I live for the Super Fight. You know the fight that is supposed to be the standard that all fights are measured for that year or even that decade. Each era has one. In the 70’s it was Muhammad Ali vs Joe Frazier I and in the late 70’s, there was actually another one in my book and that was between Larry Owens & Harriette Owens (for you boxing historians going who?). Those are my parents. My dad was leading on points until my mother grabbed a frying pan. KO! That was the the best Super Fight I have seen to date. In subsequent decades you had Sugar Ray Leonard vs Tommy Hearns in the 80’s, Oscar De La Hoya Vs Felix Tito Trinidad in the 90’s and in the 2000’s, you had Jose Luis Castillo Vs Diego Corrales. All of these fights have the same recipe. Two fighters in their prime ready to take control of the entire boxing world by storm. Equally loved or hated we will do whatever it takes to watch these warriors take center stage.
But wait it doesn’t stop there…. If that is the recipe, here is the icing. The sub-plots! That’s when we get to over analyze, argue, and debate not only who will win, but why HBO wont hire us to give our point of view. So what I only had 10 amateur fights. I won 9 of them and I would have won the tenth, but my chin had scheduled a meeting with my opponents’ left hook without letting my legs or any other part of my senses know. How selfish of my chin, after all of that hair, I tried to grow on it! However, here is what I think about the perceived bout between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather, JR. Mayweather, JR. is Scared! That’s right I said it scared! Now don’t get me wrong “Money” is one of the best who ever put the gloves on. He fought every top contender/title holder in the business and won. But Floyd, why the questions about rigorous blood testing? Are you trying to get blood for the other Floyd? Landis that is! OK cycling enthusiasts, that’s the only cycling joke in this column. If everyone else he fought was tested that way then I understand, but do you recall that happening? I don’t! Listen to him, remember what he said about Manny Pacquiao? You don’t just become that good overnight – my mama did with the help of a frying pan and to be honest, that sucker did kind of look like it was taking some type of PED because the stainless steel had a high gloss now that I think about it again. So what is it Floyd? You are the only one who can be great? Nobody else can be fast in the ring, but you? And if they are, then they must be taking some type of enhancement drug? Does every 85 year old male who has a hard-on, have to be taking a Blue Pill? Wait, not a good analogy. Sure that was a joke, but if a fighter is just as great as you PBF, they are juicing in your book?
Now granted we don’t want to see cheaters because it takes away from the hard workers in this game unless you are Alex Rodriguez because he cheats on and off the baseball diamond. OK below the belt…The referee gave me a warning. If Pacquiao is taking steroids he still has to get in the ring and fight! Taking performance enhancing drugs does not equate to greatness, Cocaine does! Just ask the 1985 Villanova Wildcats. Second low blow and I think the referee may take a point away for that one. Now Floyd, you pride yourself on not getting hit so if that’s the case, it shouldn’t matter what he takes, right?
The only thing I see Mayweather. JR. having a problem with is speed – that was not another cocaine joke – can’t afford to have any more points deducted, but what separates Floyd from other greats is his ability to adjust. Nothing flusters this cat. When he was approached with speed by former opponent Zab Judah who slowed the fight down by being meticulous and methodical. How can you not appreciate that? PBF has an underrated chin unlike yours truly because when he finally does get hit with a good shot he will just grab your arm to keep from falling just ask Shane Mosley and maybe he grabbed him too hard because Sugar Shane looked more like he had Diabetes. Yes, I know his mouth is nerve racking, but he backs up what he says. Which brings us to Manny Pacquiao.
What do you do with this guy? I mean really. He makes you think once the bell rings, what the hell did I get myself into? If you want to fight let’s go toe to toe… Oh and by the way I can box too ala Aaron “The Hawk” Pryor. Yes, I know he is “Bad” Brad’s favorite fighter of all time and why not take the time to get on the CEO’s good side in my debut column here at RSR. From round one to round one hundred, he’s coming nonstop with his motor running and I can see your point Floyd, but is that Steroids making him do that or is Panama Lewis supplying his water? Pacquiao albiet Phillipino has a Mexican stand off mentality of kill or be killed. He has knockout power with either hand and the stamina to still bring it in the later rounds and in your own life’s wait until you play with him on Fight Nights with your Xbox to really see. So I ask you again what do you do with this guy? I know what you do. Root for him. It is a must. You got a guy who can barely speak English and can kick butt. Now if he can do his own stunts Jackie Chan would be outta work. Can you picture Chris Tucker asking him “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” This is why I root for Pacman. He loves Boxing. It is alarming how many boxers do not love what they do. Riddick Bowe anyone?
I also like fighters who seem to have come from nowhere. Unheralded then explode onto the scene ie… Winky Wright until he became easier to hit than the Kardashian’s. I stopped keeping tabs on how many points have been taking from me by the referee to this point in my column. Who wins you ask? In my best Michael Buffer voice and still Undefeated…
You know how the rest goes. That’s right Floyd Mayweather, JR. comes out victorious against Manny Pacquiao. I know I’ve been hard on him this column, but don’t bet against “Money”. He is called “Money” because that’s what he is. Love him or hate him few have done what he has and in the words of the great Ric Flair: ”If you want to ride Space Mountain” wait a minute wrong quote…”If you want to be the man, you got to beat the man, whoo!” And the last time I checked, no one has accomplished that yet against Floyd Mayweather, JR in any boxing ring…. That’s my time, but until next time.