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Jesse’s WWE RAW Report: John Cena Vs Randy Orton

By Jesse Castleman

Josh Matthews welcomes us to Raw Roulette. Randy Orton and John Cena stand by the Roulette wheel. Matthews explains that the stipulation for any match tonight is dependent on where the wheel stops on the ticker. The stipulations on the wheel include a lumberjack match, steel cage match, guest referee match, and even a pillow fight. Matthews decides that it is time to spin the wheel and find out what the stipulation will be for Cena and Orton’s match tonight, and walks to the wheel’s side. Cena tells “curious George” to wait because he would like “lady luck” on his side if tonight’s main event is to be left up to chance. At this, Eve struts up to the other side of the wheel, and with a smirk, gives it a spin. And the stipulation is… a tables match. Matthews reminds Cena that he lost the WWE Championship to Sheamus the last time he was in a tables match. Cena sarcastically thanks Matthews for reminding him of that dark time in his career that he was trying to get over. Then Cena reminds Matthews that it’s okay though, because tonight is the season premier of Raw, and that tonight… he’s feeling lucky (exchanges a smile with Eve). Cena spins the roulette wheel and peaces out.

We’re live from Cincinnati, Ohio tonight, and it’s the first time in 3 years that Raw Roulette has taken place. Justin Roberts introduces tonight’s special guest host, the Cincinnati Bengals’ own Chad Ochocinco. The six-time pro bowler makes his way to the ring. Cole and King mention that Ochocinco has his own reality television show, and that he loves to tweet. The crowd gives Ochocinco a huge pop, and he welcomes them to the season premier of Raw. He says there has never been a guest star as handsome as himself, and that tonight will be awesome…

Awesome! The Miz interrupts Chad, and greets him as a fellow Cincinnatian. The Miz compares himself to Chad, as they are both key players in their respective endeavors, that they say whatever they want, whenever they want, and that while Ochocinco is a six0-time pro bowler, The Miz himself is the United States Champion. On second thought, The Miz says that they have nothing in common, because Ochocinco will never be a champion because he plays for the Cincinnati Bungholes. Well-done Miz, for drawing some serious heat from the crowd. In response, Chad says he has two words for him… child please! Chad says that the Bengals won the AFC North last year, and the Reds are winning their division in baseball this year. Chad says that he, T.O. and the rest of the boys are going to bring home the super bowl championship this year. The Miz then proceeds to rip Ochocinco for leaving the field prior to the Bengals’ last-second hail marry attempt in the first half of their game against the Patriots yesterday. The crowd is going absolutely nuts right now. Miz asks Ochocinco whether the number 85 represents the amount of times Chad will drop passes this season, or if it represents how his quarterback, Carson Palmer, moves like an 85 year-old. Either way, Miz says, it doesn’t matter, because both Ochocinco and his team are overrated… because he’s the Miz, and he’s AWWWEEES-

Blinks! Cole to the podium to read a GM email: Enough talk! It’s time to determine the Miz’s match tonight. Cole asks for the roulette wheel to please be spun. Alicia Fox is backstage, and she gives that wheel a good spinning alright. The Miz’s match will be… a submission match! Ochocinco exclaims, “a submission match!”

Blinks again. Cole announces that the GM has decided to allow Ochocinco to determine The Miz’s opponent in his match tonight, much to the delight of the fans. The Miz faces his executioner, and Ochocinco explains that 85 represents the number of times his opponent can make him tap out tonight. Ochocinco picks, who else, Daniel Bryan! Bryan’s music hits and Ochocinco peaces out as Bryan makes his way to the ring.

Back from a commercial break, the Miz targets Bryan’s tweaked left leg, tangling him on the rope and kicking at Bryan. Alex Riley is at ringside. Miz locks Bryan into a figure four lock, but Bryan reverses onto his belly and counters the move back onto the Miz, who reaches the ropes to break up the submission. Bryan does not let up on his offensive, and he slaps a crossface onto the Miz, who again grabs the ropes to break it up. Miz rolls out of the ring, grabbing his stomach in pain. Riley attempts to help Miz, asking if he’s alright, but Miz pushes him away. The ref looks on as the Miz grabs the microphone to explain that he thinks that he has a hernia, and to ensure that he can defend the U.S. Championship on Sunday, he will withdraw from this match.

The ring announcer then declares that the winner of this match—the Miz interrupts and says that he doesn’t forfeit, he’s just hurt. Miz informs Bryan that if he wants to go on with the match tonight he will have to face Miz’s apprentice: Alex Riley. Riley rushes into the ring and places Bryan into a submission, which Bryan counters into a crossface. Riley taps out, and Miz runs into the ring to assault Bryan after the match. Miz kicks the seated Bryan in the face, tosses his title onto the ground, and forces Bryan’s face into the title, telling him he’ll never win it because he’s average. Miz stalks Bryan for a Skull Crushing Finale, but Bryan counters it into another crossface! Riley looks on, scared, from ringside as The Miz taps. The crowd chants, “you tapped out,” as Riley escorts the “injured” Miz up the ramp. Bryan stares the Miz down from the ring.

Daniel Bryan def. The Miz/Alex Riley by submission

Raw cuts to Jillian backstage. She spins the wheel and sings her rendition of Flo Rida’s “Right Round” as the wheel goes round. The camera zooms out and Edge is there, singing and dancing with her. The stipulation for Edge’s match will be… determined after the commercial break.

Cincinnati teammates are shown at ringside, and then Edge makes his entrance. Cole and King comment that they still don’t know the stipulation for his match, so we will have to wait to find out. What we do know now, is that Evan Bourne, the high flyer from St. Louis, Missouri will be Edge’s opponent. Justin Roberts announces that this match will be a Body Slam Challenge, so the first person to body slam his opponent will be victorious. Edge attempts an early slam, but Bourne counters out of it. Bourne hangs onto the ropes as Edge attempts to slam him again, but Bourne jumps out and kicks Edge hard in the face. Edge falls, and Bourne attempts a body slam on Edge. Bourne cannot completely lift Edge, however, so Edge falls behind Bourne and counters the slam into an Edge-O-Matic. Afterwards, Edge lifts Bourne up, and body slams him down for the win. Edge’s music plays, and he stalks Bourne for a Spear, which he connects, and then celebrates his victory…

Edge def. Evan Bourne by Body Slam

Blinks! Cole announces that the GM congratulates Edge on his victory against Bourne. However, because Edge took advantage of Bourne after the match, the GM would like to see Edge compete in a second match. Edge will compete in another body slam match against… Mark Henry! Henry makes his way to the ring and the match gets under way. Henry pushes Edge off him, then runs into the opposite corner as Edge evades the rush. Edge attempts a body slam, but cannot left Henry properly, so Henry falls on top of Edge. Edge gets back up in a daze, and Henry lifts up Edge and drops him with a big slam. The ref calls for the bell to be rung, and Henry is announced the winner. Henry checks on Bourne at ringside after the match, who’s still hurting.

Mark Henry def. Edge by Body Slam

Back on Raw, the lovely Maryse accompanies Ted DiBiase to the ring for their Song and Dance Match against R-Truth and Eve Torres. It’s revealed that Gail Kim spun the roulette wheel during the commercial break, which is how this match manifested. Truth asks Cincinnati, “what’s up?” One contestant will sing and his or her partner will dance. Truth’s music plays, and he yells for it to stop because it’s the wrong song, then another track hits, and Truth starts spitting on the microphone as Torres does a little dance in the ring. They receive a nice pop from the crowd after they conclude.

DiBiase grabs the mic and complains that he didn’t hear a word Truth just said. He thought it was Raw, not America’s Got Talent. DiBiase says that he should quit the match and go on his way, but he won’t because, as Maryse knows, he’s full of surprises. DiBiase asks for a spotlight. DiBiase begins an off-key rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” as the crowd boos. Maryse offers an interpretive dance as well. After the conclusion, the crowd begins a “you suck” chant, and then DiBiase and Maryse assault their competitors. As DiBiase stomps Truth in the corner, however, Torres hits a big clothesline on Maryse and rolls her out of the ring. DiBiase attempts a Dream Street on Truth, but Truth counters out of it, tossing DiBiase face-first into Eve, who hits DiBiase with a microphone. Truth hits a high kick on DiBiase to send him out of the ring. DiBiase and Maryse retreat up the ramp as Truth continues his rap and Maryse dances and pumps the crowd up.

Now, I’m not quite positive, but based on the crowd’s reaction, I think that R-Truth and Eve Torres def. Ted DiBiase and Maryse

Backstage, it’s William Regal’s turn to discover his fate, and the Bella Twins spin the roulette wheel. It lands on a Trading Places Match, which Regal seems confused about. Regal asks guest host Chad Ochocinco what this match would entail, and Ochocinco explains that Regal must wear the costume of his opponent during his match. Regal follows this up by asking who his opponent would be… and into the frame walks Goldust. Goldust says sorry for being late, does his little breathing thing, and tells Regal that he’ll need his wig. The two competitors walk off, and the Bella Twins express their desire to have a pillow fight with Ochocinco, but Sheamus interrupts to confront Raw’s guest host. Ochocinco explains that if John Morrison can defeat Sheamus in their match next, Morrison will take Jericho’s spot in the Six Pack Challenge Match at NOC. The Bella Twins chuckle, but Sheamus has none of it. Sheamus tells Chad that if he wants to see something funny, he should watch Sheamus’ next match. Sheamus says that he’ll show Orcomongo, or Ochodingo, or whatever his name is…Mick, what reality television is when he mops the floor with John Morrison. Unlike the Bengals did yesterday, Sheamus says, he actually backs up his punter. Sheamus storms off, and Chad says he has about 85 reasons why he doesn’t want to see that red rooster anymore, and directs the conversation back to the pillow match.

Edge is pacing in his locker room before Zack Ryder asks him if he’s done something to piss off Raw’s GM, perhaps he’s stolen his girlfriend? Edge again calls Ryder a tool bag, and Ryder exclaims that he isn’t a tool, but that he will drop the hammer. Edge asks what that means, and then says that he will go MIA after he wins the WWE Championship this Sunday, and hold. Sheamus sneaks up from behind and repeats what Edge just said, asking if what he said was correct. Sheamus tells Edge that he wouldn’t hold his breath if he were in his position. At this, Ryder pronounces, “burn!” and laughs before Edge and Sheamus stare Ryder down awkwardly. Sheamus tells Edge to watch what he does to John Morrison next and walks off, but not before Edge advises Sheamus that maybe he should hold his breath.

Morrison is doing some push ups backstage, then does some free running, or wall running, a French discipline warm up that he does to train his body to overcome any obstacle that comes in his path. Cut to Sheamus, who makes his way to the ring before his match against Morrison. Commercial break.

Back on Raw, Morrison makes his entrance for his Falls Count Anywhere match with Sheamus. The match begins, and Sheamus pounds down on Morrison. Morrison rolls Sheamus up for a 2-count, then Sheamus takes control. He whips Morrison into the ropes, but Morrison evades an attack and hits Sheamus with a dropkick. Near fall. Morrison rolls Sheamus out of the ring, then dropkicks Sheamus off the apron. Sheamus is met with a hurricanrana through the ropes from Morrison to the outside. Morrison pins Sheamus, 1, 2, kick out. Morrison hits a running knee smash on Sheamus’s face. Sheamus fights back and tosses Morrison into the barrier, but is tossed over the barrier by Morrison. Morrison hits a suicide dive over the apron on Sheamus into the stands!

Cover, 1, 2, Sheamus kicks out. Morrison kicks Sheamus in the midsection, hits him with a right hand, goes for a left, but Morrison counters and hits Morrison with an Irish Back Breaker. Sheamus tosses Morrison into a barrier, then half suplexes Morrison into a railing. Sheamus pins Morrison for a 2-count. Sheamus misses a bro kick, and Morrison goes on the offense until Sheamus regains control, rolling Morrison onto the stage and throwing Morrison’s head into the stage. Sheamus pins Morrison, 1, 2, kick out. Sheamus taunts the crowd and begins to pummel Morrison. Sheamus lifts Morrison out, but Morrison counters out to kick Sheamus a few times. Sheamus counters and tosses Morrison off the stage, but Morrison manages to flip and land on his feet. Sheamus runs down and is met with a kick to his knees. With Sheamus down, Morrison jumps on the stage and off to kick Sheamus in the head. Pin, 1, 2, Sheamus kicks out.

Sheamus takes over again and tosses Morrison into the barrier. Pin by Sheamus, 1, 2, kick out. Sheamus lifts Morrison up for a suplex onto the concrete, but Morrison counters out. Sheamus hits an elbow on Morrison’s face though, and grabs a steel chair while Morrison is down off the stage. Sheamus hops on the stage and waits for Morrison to follow suit, but Morrison never appears. Morrison is perched atop the videotron, and Sheamus realizes this a bit to late as he is met with a splash onto the stage. Morrison covers Sheamus for 1, 2, no Sheamus kicks out! Jericho appears on the ramp now and grabs the steel chair. Jericho hits Morrison in the back with it, allowing Sheamus to flip Morrison over and pin him for the victory. Sheamus celebrates while Jericho has gone to the ring and set up the steel chair to sit on. Jericho is chilling in the ring before Raw goes to another commercial break.

Sheamus def. John Morrison by pin fall on the stage

Back on Raw, Chris Jericho is still sitting in the middle of the ring on his steel chair, garnering chants of “you suck” all the while. Jericho stares around the arena with a mic in his hand, and finally declares that he isn’t going anywhere until he gets exactly what he wants. He’ll sit in the chair in the middle of the ring all night unless he gets an email from the GM that reinstates Jericho in the Six Pack Match at NOC. Jericho wants justice, he demands justice, and he will get it tonight. If Jericho doesn’t get what he wants, then he will quit, go home, and watch as the WWE goes up in flames. Jericho will laugh every step of the way too, and asks the GM what he will do about it. Jericho vows to track the GM down and expose him or her to the world before he quits, however.

Blinks! Cole excuses the audience, but Jericho interjects with, “of course you have an email you idiot!” before Cole can properly announce the email (to the delight of the crowd). The GM says he really doesn’t like ultimatums, and tells Jericho that there’s no chance that his tactics will work… no chance in hell. Jericho laughs and asks if the GM really expects him to think that he’s Vince McMahon himself. Jericho says McMahon is a lot of things, but he is not a coward, and that McMahon would face Jericho face-to-face if he were making the orders. Also, McMahon would realize that his most important asset needs to be in the WWE Championship match at NOC, Jericho says.

Blinks again, and Cole again announces—Jericho tells Cole to shut up and read it! They stare each other down, then Cole tells Jericho that there’s something he should know. The GM will make the Six Pack Challenge Match an Elimination Match at NOC, and that Jericho is back in the match. HOWEVER—Jericho stops Cole and allows a moment of gratitude for the GM, who has come to his senses, and guarantees that he will walk out of the arena on Sunday as the new WWE Champion. Jericho begins to walk out, but…

Blinks again! Jericho looks a bit flustered now, as Cole speaks for the GM: the GM warns Jericho to never interrupt him again. As the GM was saying, Jericho will be allowed back in the match if he wins a match tonight. Tonight’s match will be a handicap match, and it will be against the Tag Team Champions, the Hart Dynasty. AND the match will take place inside a steel cage! Jericho yells at Cole and takes off his suit jacket and tie as the cage is lowered.

Back from commercial, and the Hart Dynasty prevents Jericho from escaping the cage. Tyson Kidd whips Jericho into Davey Hart Smith, who hits Jericho with a powerslam. Smith lifts Jericho up, and Jericho is met with a clothesline from Kidd. As Jericho is down, Kidd and Smith decide to escape the cage together. They both make it to the top, but only Smith manages to reach the outside, as Jericho grabs Kidd to prevent both men from exiting. The match still goes on, as all members of a team must escape the cage for the match to end, and Kidd hits a sitting splash onto Jericho and a pin for a near fall. Smith and Natalya look on from the outside as Jericho fights back against Kidd. Jericho whips Kidd face-first into the steel cage, then slaps Kidd down.

Jericho yells to the crowd, asking if this is what the GM wants. He moves to the door, but as it is opened Kidd slides underneath Jericho to escape. Jericho manages to catch Kidd before he completely escapes the ring though, and drags him back inside the cage to kick him in the mid section. Jericho hits a back body drop on Kidd, then applies a headlock on him. Kidd breaks out and manages to mount a comeback. Kidd kicks Jericho in a corner, then whips him to the opposite side. Jericho, however, leaps up and climbs the cage in an attempt to escape, but Kidd catches him and tosses him off the top. Instead of escaping, Kidd attempts a high-risk maneuver onto Jericho below, but Jericho catches him and counters into the Walls of Jericho. Kidd counters out of this now, and rolls Jericho up for 1, 2, Jericho kicks out. Kidd locks Jericho into a Sharpshooter! Jericho makes it to the ropes and gains leverage to flip Kidd out of the submission. Jericho tosses Kidd up, and Kidd begins to climb the cage to escape. Jericho stops Kidd, but is met with a Frankensteiner—no, Jericho lands on his feet and counters the Frankensteiner into a masterful Walls of Jericho! Kidd is lucky that he didn’t break his neck, and he taps out as Natalya and Smith watch on from ringside. Impressive, to say the least, and Jericho re-qualifies for the Six Pack Challenge Elimination Match for the WWE Championship at NOC.

Davey Hart Smith escapes the steel cage, but Chris Jericho def. The Hart Dynasty, forcing Tyson Kidd to tap out to the Walls of Jericho; Jericho qualifies for the Six Pack Elimination WWE Championship Match at Night of Champions

WWE Hall of Famer Pete Rose is in attendance tonight. Back in the ring, Goldust is dressed as William Regal… disturbing. Next, Regal makes his entrance in a Goldust-esque manner. Goldust has the wig on, the robe, and the attire. Goldust imitates Regal as Regaldust looks absolutely humiliated. Cole comments that Regal looks like the Joker, then Regal does the Goldust taunt, spitting in Goldust’s face after it’s conclusion. Goldust, in turn, puts on a pair of brass knuckles, and knocks Regal in the face without the ref catching on. Goldust covers Regal, 1, 2, 3, and Goldust walks up the ramp as Regal lies out cold in the ring.

Goldust def. William Regal by pin fall

Next Monday’s Raw will take place in Indianapolis, Indiana, and Randy Orton will square off against John Cena next! But first, Chad Ochocinco returns to the ring to introduce tonight’s special guest ring announcer, himself. He explains that the next match is a tables match, and the only way to win is to put one’s opponent through a table. Ochocinco first introduces The Viper, Randy Orton. Orton enters, and on a side note there still has been no sign of Nexus tonight. Maybe they will be making an appearance during this match. Next, Ochocinco introduces, from Newbury, Massachusetts, John Cena. Cena enters to a pop, and tosses his hat to Ochocinco, who exits up the ramp.

The bell rings, and the crowd sends some mixed reception to the two superstars, who lock up, then pause to receive the crowd a bit more. Orton is locked in a headlock by Cena, but manages to whip Cena. Cena runs off the ropes an hits Orton with a shoulder block. They pause and stare each other down, then Orton locks Cena in with a headlock. Cena whips Orton into the ropes, but this time Orton hits Cena with a shoulder block. They pause again, then they return to the action. Cena locks Orton up from behind, but Orton hits Cena with a shoulder and a right fist. Orton knees Cena in the face then rams Cena into the corner. Orton continues his assault on Cena, knocking him around the ring. Orton eyes a table which is set up at ringside, and attempts a suplex on Cena off the apron, but Cena pushes Orton off the apron. Orton avoids the table, and Raw goes to a commercial break.

Orton and Cena trade blows back on Raw. Orton counters a right fist into a backbreaker. Orton continues, choking and kicking Cena to the apron. Orton stands over Cena as he regains his composure, and punches him a few times, causing Cena to nearly lose his balance and fall through a table. Cena makes a comeback and assaults Orton before hitting a fisherman suplex on Orton. They each get back up, then hit a clothesline on each other. They try to shake the cobwebs out of their heads, then Cena lifts Orton up for an Attitude Adjustment! Orton counters out, and hits a big DDT on Cena. Orton grabs a table from the outside and sets it up in the ring while Cena remains incapacitated. Orton misses a right hand and Cena hits a few shoulder tackles and a back body drop on Orton. Cena taunts Orton and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, then lifts Orton up for another Attitude Adjustment, which Orton counters out of. Orton hits a few clotheslines on Cena and attempts an RKO, but Cena tosses Orton away and into the ropes. Cena trips Orton with a drop toe hold, and locks Orton into an STF on the rebound. Just as I predicted, in rushes Nexus, who beat down on the superstars.

Orton hits an RKO on Tarver, then Cena hits an AA on Otunga. Cena then tosses an on-rushing Heath Slater over the ropes and through a table on the outside. Ouch. Cena turns around to be picked up by Barrett, and dropped into his finishing maneuver. Barrett and Gabriel stand over Cena, then Barrett makes a move to grab a table from the outside. They set up the table and prop Cena on top of it.

Barrett motions for Gabriel to hit a 450 Splash on Cena, so Gabriel smiles and makes his way to the turnbuckle. After climbing it however, Orton sneaks up and tosses Gabriel off it and through a table on the outside. Orton enters the ring but is met with a big boot from Barrett. With Cena down, and Orton recently flattened, Barrett contemplates tossing Orton over the ropes and through another table on the outside. Barrett lifts Orton up, but Orton counters out and manages to push Barrett off the apron and through the table. King mentions that Orton and Cena are still involved in their tables match, and Orton goes down and stalks Cena for an RKO. Edge and Jericho rush to the ring now and beat down on Orton. Orton fights out and counters a Codebreaker from Jericho. Next, Orton evades a Spear from Edge, and directs it into Jericho, who is sent through a table set up in the corner.

Orton turns around to be met with Sheamus’s WWE Championship belt, however, and Sheamus stands tall in the ring now. Sheamus knees Cena off the apron to the mats on the outside, then follows him out and attempts to whip him into the steel steps. Cena, however, counters the whip, and hits an AA on Sheamus on the outside mats! After all this, the match still continues, and Cena hops back up on the apron and enters the ring. Orton catches Cena, and attempts a rope hung DDT, but Cena counters out and lifts Orton up for another AA. Orton attempts to fight out, but instead allows Cena to slip him over the table that is set up in the ring. Cena hits the AA—no! Orton countered the AA into an RKO in mid air, hitting his finishing maneuver on Cena through the table to pick up the victory! Orton defeats Cena, and there are bodies sprawled out all over and outside the ring. Orton stands tall, smiling sadistically at the audience as Raw goes off the air.

Randy Orton def. John Cena by RKO’ing Cena through a table

John Cena vs. Randy Orton

Chris Jericho countering Tyson Kidd’s Frankensteiner into the Walls for the victory


CHRIS JERICHO he really is the best in the world at what he does. The reaction he draws from the crowd reminds me of the golden age when the crowd was into it like that all night. What sealed the deal for me though, tonight, was his masterful Frankensteiner counter into the Walls of Jericho on Tyson Kidd. That better be on YouTube so the world can see it.

THE MIZ continues to impress me with his mic work. Just watching him on the mic gives me the shivers. The guy is money—speaking of which, when will he cash in his Money In The Bank contract? He WILL make a great champion one day.

CHAD JOHNS—I MEAN OCHOCINCO perhaps the WWE should consider hiring this TV star. His sense of humor fits right in, and he may not speak well on the mic when he’s given specific material talk about, but he could improve. He has the comedic timing down at least. In fact, he and T.O. could form a tag team and embark on a quest for the Tag Team Championship before splitting to pursue the WWE and World Championships respectively. That’s just a thought, but on a more serious note, it was refreshing to see a guest host on Raw whom the crowd was really behind.

The Miz/Alex Riley submits to Daniel Bryan **
Edge Body Slams Evan Bourne *
Mark Henry Body Slams Edge *
Sheamus pins John Morrison ***
Chris Jericho defeats The Hart Dynasty ***
Goldust pins William Regaldust *
After a fiasco, Randy Orton RKO’s John Cena through a table ****

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