Last week I announced my retirement from writing about boxing. I stated that the actions of Floyd Mayweather have soured me on the sport to the point of no return, and I stand by that statement. I will continue to write at Ringside Report about any and every other topic except for boxing; doing so in silent protest of the wicked practices that have soured the sport I once loved.
Since I am a serious journalist, I have decided to use my weekly column for hard-hitting investigative journalism. My stories are going to blow you away and make you wonder why I ever wasted my time churning out articles about the sweet science when I could have been out changing the world with my reporting.
For my first column I wanted to do something extra special and significant. Don’t be surprised if you see this article, or a cheap imitation of it, in next week’s New York Times, or maybe a segment on an upcoming episode of 20/20. Without keeping you in suspense any longer, I present to you:
The Top Ten Pictures of Cats (that I could find on the internet after searching for 30 minutes)
10. You know how butter is too hard to use when you take it right out of the fridge? Well, the best solution to that problem is to leave the stick of butter on the counter to thaw out to room temperature for ideal spreadability. The owner of the cat in this picture was surely using this time-tested butter softening technique. To his surprise and disappointment, the butter was pillaged by this feline thief. However you look at the culprit after being caught red handed and you can’t help but smile. How can you get mad at that stupid little face?
9. Little did I know before searching for my pictures that there are “famous” cat pictures. So the deal is that popular message boards post a picture and sometimes they really catch on and become internet sensations. In this case, there is a dude showing off how long his cat is. The concept is weird but the picture is amusing as a stand alone, but is famous for the memes it has created. So if you hear someway say “Longcat is long!” or something dumb like that, you’ll understand the reference.
8. This is a picture of a little white kitten who was born with his eyes fused together. This is not a photo-shopped image or a trick. This is a well documented case of a genuine Cyclops. Unfortunately the little guy died shortly after birth. RIP scary Greek myth monster kitty.
7. So last week I was hanging out with a cat I found in an alley. Turns out this cat was a huge fan of my boxing column. I told him that I was quitting as a boxing writer because I was fed up with the fight ducking and the mistreatment of fans. The cat said, “What! Brian Wilbur quitting as a boxing writer! Nooo!” Luckily I had a camera on me at the time and captured his reaction. Later on I calmed the strange kitty down and explained that I was going to continue to write at Ringside Report, just not about boxing. We chilled out the rest of the night with light conversation and tuna fish.
6. This is another one of those “famous” cat pictures. The cat in the photo is called Ceiling Cat and, believe it or not, is worshiped by some as a God-like being who sees all. At this point I would estimate that there are more Ceiling Cat religious followers than there are members of the Scientology religion. That is just a guess on my part though and as a top-notch investigative journalist I feel like I am above checking facts or doing research.
5. Narcolepsy is a serious sleep disorder in human beings described by physicians as excessive daytime sleepiness in which a person experiences extreme fatigue or even falls asleep against their will while performing daily activities. That includes falling asleep at work, at school, while eating, driving, or having a conversation. Narcolepsy is usually a very embarrassing and debilitating condition to the point where the person cannot live a normal life. A human with narcolepsy is sad. However, a kitty with narcolepsy is freaking cute.
4. Studies show (which studies I don’t know but bear with me folks, I remember hearing it somewhere) that giving gifts is more gratifying and rewarding than receiving gifts. Is that because most people are really bad at picking out gifts? Perhaps. So, next time someone gives you a gift you’ll know that they are greedily using you for self-gratification. Then again, the perfect present can sometimes bring an equal amount of joy for both parties involved, as is the case with this cat who is obviously jazzed about ribbon.
3.The caption says “Every time God kills a kitten. Please think of the kittens.” I’ve often wondered whether or not this image was true. If so, you should be ashamed of yourself. You murderer! Mass Murderer!
2. Any Star Wars fans out there? I’m talking about the original, not the crappy prequels starring whiny douche bag Hayden Christensen. Anyway, if you are a fan then you get this reference to Jabba the Hut, the giant, fat, slug-like creature who was the head gangster of the galaxy. Quoting this picture is probably the best and funniest insult you can make towards an overweight person (or cat, whatever). Just try it out tomorrow on the playground or at work and you’ll see. You can thank me later.
1. Don’t need much explanation for this famous picture. Fat cat wants a cheeseburger. I don’t know what makes this picture so appealing but I love it. Clearly this is the absolute best cat picture! (that I could find on the internet after searching for 30 minutes).
I hope you enjoyed my groundbreaking new column and had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. I’m confident you will agree that my new vocation is a worthy pursuit to coincide with my boycott of boxing.