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Doctor Curmudgeon® Help! It’s All Over Everywhere I Look!


By Diane Batshaw-Eisman MD FAAFP

Armageddon, (the ever patient adminstrator/office manager/gyroscope/organizer of Doctor Curmudgeon’s® office), gingerly opened the door.

She had heard a thud, followed by whimpering.

This was not a good sign.

It was far worse than screaming, yelling or the sounds of things being hurled against the door.
Even more ominous than the odor of smoke as the doctor’s desk went ablaze.

The thud sounded like a head hitting the keyboard and that whimpering could only be the curmudgeon

The creaking of the door did not even disturb the physician.

Standing there, she watched as Doctor Curmudgeon’s® head remained attached to her keyboard, unmoving, but the whimpering continued.

Finally, raising her head from the desk, wiping mascara from her eyes, the doctor (in only a moderate shriek) said, “It’s just all over the place. You can’t escape.”

And Armageddon, in her infinite wisdom, queried, “What?”


Armageddon responded to the silence. “For goodness sake, just tell me what is bugging you now. I’m busy. I have a practice to run!”

Stony silence

Turning to the door, Armageddon continued, “OK, enough. I’m leaving.”

Quickly rising to her feet, toppling coffee, while crumbs spilled from her lab coat to the floor, Doctor Curmudgeon® responded, “FOOD.”

With raised eyebrows and arms folded across her chest, Armageddon responded, “Really? That’s a problem?”

“Don’t you see? We can’t escape it. If you watch television, 96.5% of the ads are for food. If you glance at a magazine, there are about 91.67% of the photos displaying food. And if you pick up a paper, there are whole sections devoted to reviews of restaurants and columns about food. It’s everywhere. Everywhere.”

“And it’s all over the office. Cupcakes at the front desk. Cake in the fridge. So what?” said Armageddon.

“But,” the doctor continued, “You don’t understand. I’m not talking packages of tuna or oatmeal. It’s the calorie dense stuff. You can’t ignore it. And the last 15 text messages I got are just pictures of cakes and cookies and piles of ice cream concoctions and people slurping drinks with whipped cream and sprinkles on top and children with chocolate smeared all over their faces and even canines eating…..”

With a long suffering sigh, Armageddon said, “OK, I’ll bring you two cookies”

With a happy smile, Doctor Curmudgeon® cleverly retorted, “OK, that’s fine.”

Now, tear-free, the doctor admitted, “Well. After all it IS futile to resist.

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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