Doctor Curmudgeon® Don’t Be Foolish! You Can’t Be Paranoid!

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAFP

I sit here, glaring at my computer as paranoia descends upon me.

At this moment in time, I do not believe that it is the computer that is doing diabolical things to me. My computer is chugging along with no problems, glitches, error messages or freezes.

It is a recent call to our cable service that has made me wonder about the state of my paranoia. This mega tentacled entity supplies phone service and internet. Although it has been said (please note the sarcasm font) that our cable provider is perfect…there are many times when we have a problem. And so, I lift the phone, dial the number, go through all the options, wait and keep screaming such things as “Agent! Representative! Person! Help! Human being!”

After several minutes, a real, not automated voice appears on the line. And when I calmly and gently state my complaint, it takes quite a while for that person to understand me. Finally, a light bulb must have erupted over the head of the person on the other end of the line; He/she comprehends my complaint. I am then informed that nobody else in the entire world; indeed, the entire planet, has had this problem. Only me!

It is not just the cable company. There are far too many entities that I have called with issues and I invariably learn that I am only person that has reported this…even though neighbors tell me they are having the same problem and have already called in.

Why, oh, why can’t they all be like our power/electric company? If you have a blackout or something…as soon as you dial in you may get a message such as: “If you are calling about the lack of power in the Curmudgeon household, rest assured that we are aware of this problem and will have it repaired by 6 PM today.”

This is wonderful. I don’t have to spend an eternity screaming at the phone and leaping up and down as I wait for some acknowledgement! Kudos!

If you are still here after reading through this tirade…wait…wait…there is more that convinces me that I am not actually paranoid.

The women who read this will understand and commiserate with me.
Eureka! I find a bra that is comfortable, lives through several cycles of laundering and does not cost our entire food budget. I try to repurchase several and find that the model has been discontinued. I envision the CEO of the bra company sitting in his office, feet up on his desk, belly hanging over his belt, florid face grinning, “He! He! Gotcha!”

And there is the bakery next to the office. They made the most wonderful Palmiers (sometimes known as elephants’ ears, although I prefer the French word, as, of course, who wants to say that they are wolfing down an elephant’s ear). They were not greasy, not a lot of sugar, Crisp and crunchy. A perfection that melted in your mouth and calmed your nerves and told you that all was right with the world.

My partner went to the Bakery to purchase a Palmier for me. He found there were none. And the proprietor actually had the audacity to inform him that they had stopped making them. Stopped making them? Did they find that their Palmier recipe caused peoples’ noses to turn green? Were they the real cause of global warming? Were they the reason SAT scores were falling?

No, no, a thousand times no. The bakery stopped making them because they were so popular that they could not keep them in their display case and were always running out of them.

But I know the real reason. It was because Doctor Curmudgeon® liked them!

And a restaurant that we frequent makes a wonderful dish of grilled salmon, sweet potatoes, asparagus spinach…all the favorites of Doctor Curmudgeon®. On my last visit I was informed that that, although they found it to be one of their most popular menu items, they are taking it off the menu and replacing it with grilled salmon and a couple of fingerling potatoes.

Aha! I know the true reason. They learned that it was a favorite dish of Doctor Curmudgeon®!
And I now know for sure that I, Doctor Curmudgeon® am NOT paranoid!

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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