The Day After Tears…
By Joyce Davis
Today is June 21, 2021. The day after I had a teary day of heartbreak. Truth is sometimes depression can come in and last for months. Since I have had some counseling, I have not experienced a month long episode and I am truly grateful for that. Today there are still tears that carry over from the day before. Some because I feel embarrassed that I allowed my emotions to win. Others are from gratitude that I made it through the night after such horrific thoughts.
I try my best not to scold myself too much. It is easy for a scolding to send me down a rabbit hole of self hatred. Can you tell me why the heck I do that? Counselors would answer that question with “you tell me why”. I don’t know dang it, that’s why I am asking you. GRRRR.
I did not want to talk about it the day after because of the weakness it made me feel. People usually see me as a jovial character. I made this character to hide who I really am. It all sounds confusing like a Raising Cain story fighting thru multiple personalities but it is not. Started when I was thirteen years old and I did door to door sales. I was a terribly shy kid that barely liked to talk to people. You can’t sell papers like that so I had to learn to smile to be a salesperson, so people are not afraid of you. When I smiled I meant it and it felt good. So I decided to keep the smile and make it a part of my wardrobe. It did help me make sales.
I am quite skilled at pretending everything is okay. Mostly because I don’t want to seem and feel weak so I pretend I have strength to do what I need to do. I had the strength to go to work and be like everyone else. Smile and greet people and hope they can not see the anxiety I am suffering through. Sometimes I’d pull it off without a hitch but other times people would tell me they could see through my smile. I would say thank you for being attuned but recognize the smile as me trying.
The day after tears I have more gratitude for people around me still being around me. I always have the fear they will find out who I am and go away. (Yes that fear is still here and maybe a tear or two dropped from the thought of it.) The fear of being known as a phony or fictitious character comes with its own anxiety. I used to try to explain to people about getting through life with depression. While most people start their day out at 100% I start my day with less than 50%. I add the extra things I need to make it equal 100%, but sometimes I don’t make it to 100%. Some days I conjure up 100% and don’t have the strength to keep it up the whole day and end up crashing. When people tell you how much they love your fake persona and how her smile is what keeps them going. They have no idea how you either just got done crying your eyes out or how you need to take a minute to go to the bathroom to get yourself together. It is a real struggle that you hope you don’t drag someone else into because you don’t want them to know your struggle. Some of us wear makeup to hide our faces. I wear a smile.
People ask why did you you pick your name on Twitter? I tell them it is a reminder to me to smile. Some days I don’t feel like smiling but I find even a fake smile can trick you into thinking it is real. Before you realize it you are smiling for real. I also like to see other people smile. I used to pass people and smile a great big smile and watch them smile back not knowing they even did it. Their smile made me smile bigger and like that it catches on all around.
I confess to you that I do not have it all together. I will admit it is hard to share my secret that I am not a perfect human being. I pretend sometimes real well that I fit in with everyone else. What I do know is that I am not alone. I am not the only person who feels out of place and that it is easier to fake it for the masses than to have to explain to them what is going on with you. Who knows tomorrow I can have it all figured out, but today I am grateful I made it through yesterday and grateful not to lose one friend (that I know of.) because they found out I am a fraud. They found out ‘Joyce Smile Big’ is just a reminder to me that I am worthy of a smile despite how I feel and not that it means I smile big all day everyday. I am a work in progress and I still look forward to new developments all the time.
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