Doctor Curmudgeon® Uncensored
By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist
There have been many occasions in the past when a certain journalist has had nothing pleasant to report on. As he is young and relegated to covering such entities as social media, gossip, community goings-on and news that he finds boring….he has called upon Doctor Curmudgeon.
This brave reporter has agreed to certain rules. The cranky physician is to be recorded with no changes, editing and censorship. In return, these question and answer sessions are to be broadcast and then printed exactly as they occur. The intrepid journalist’s girlfriend is the program manager of a local radio station and is always on the hunt for audience-capturing
programs.
Galahad, the brilliant Siberian Husky who tries to keep order in the Curmudgeon household is unhappy with his human cousin’s forays into this area. Finding her answers to be far too abrasive and dismissive, he puts on his headphones and listens to Vivaldi as she responds to listeners’ questions.
The Journalist has given up all attempts to moderate Doctor Curmudgeon
REPORTER: “Welcome to another session of medical advice with our favorite Physician, Doctor Curmudgeon. I will now open up to your questions.”
QUESTIONER #1: “How often should I wash my underwear?”
DOCTOR: “Since I have been admonished to be less succinct, at least some of the time, I will be complete with this answer.
“First, pick up the underpants by the waistband.
“Do not touch the crotch
“Hold the crotch in the vicinity of your nose.
“With the other hand, waft in the area of the crotch toward your nose and …..”
REPORTER: “Uh, Doctor Curmudgeon, you do not have to so detailed. Please respond to questions in whatever way you choose.”
DOCTOR: “Next!”
QUESTIONER #2: “I heard on the internet that we are only using ten percent of our brains. I have two questions. If I use more of my brain, will I be smart? And if I get smarter, what pills should I buy to get more of my brain in use?”
DOCTOR: “Next question!”
QUESTIONER #3: “How often should I shave my armpits? I asked my doctor and he couldn’t stop laughing at me. That was not nice of him and I think I should find a new doctor.”
DOCTOR: “Get your Covid Vaccine.”
QUESTIONER #3: “You didn’t answer my question.”
DOCTOR: “You obviously have a good doctor. Leave your armpits alone.”
QUESTIONER #4: “You have been asked this question before and you refuse to give us an answer. What should we wash our masks in? Is it Ok to use the gentle cycle?
DOCTOR: “Don’t”
QUESIONER #4: “Don’t use the gentle cycle?”
DOCTOR: “Since you have obviously just hitchhiked in from Mars, and are new to this planet, I will answer you. DON’T WASH YOUR MASK!”
QUESTIONER #5:”What about the chip?’
DOCTOR: “What are you talking about?”
QUESTIONER: #5” The microchip that they inject when they give you the vaccine and it’s supposed to let the government control you.”
DOCTOR: “Please contact questioner #4 and return to Mars with him immediately.”
REPORTER: “Thank you so much, Doctor Curmudgeon, for answering questions today. Do you have any parting words for your avid listeners? Please, please, limit yourself to two or three brief comments.”
DOCTOR:
“Wear your mask
Get vaccinated
Don’t be an idiot!”
Dr. Curmudgeon suggests “Bitter Medicine”, Dr. Eugene Eisman’s story of his experiences–from the humorous to the intense—as a young army doctor serving in the Vietnam War.
Bitter Medicine by Eugene H. Eisman, M.D. –on Amazon
Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.
SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”
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