Doctor Curmudgeon® “Hey, Doc! Who’s that Standing at Your Door?”
By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist
At the door to our medical office, there appears a large notice. It states simply: IN ORDER TO ENTER THESE PREMISES, YOU MUST WEAR A MASK.
At all entrances to our building, there are similar signs.
Strongly glued to the elevator door, there exists an identical notice.
And yet there are those who dare to enter with naked faces. Not just patients. A Fedex driver dashed in, unmasked and escaped before one of us could scream at this inconsiderate, thoughtless, clueless human.
On a recent visit to a specialist at a university medical office, there stood a security guard barring the door. He was large and foreboding. With a grim countenance, he handed me an N95 mask to place over my own N95 mask. Only when I was double masked, did he step away from the door to allow my ingress.
On the way back to my own office, I thought about this gentleman at the door. What a wonderful idea!
We must immediately install a guard at our own door. He or she would be our personal agent, protecting our staff and the other patients.
In school, I had heard of Roman Emperors who had their own personal bodyguards, called the Praetorian Guards (Armageddon, our office manager and I would really prefer the Secret Service…but they were not available to us)
The Praetorian Guards were a specialized unit of the Imperial Roman Army. This small cohort took their name from the Commander’s tent which was called a Praetorium
It was in 27 BC that the first Emperor of Rome, Caesar Augustus, established the Praetorian Guards as his very personal security agents.
They were an elite group, hand-picked for their bravery and loyalty. They were great warriors.
Armageddon and I felt that this is what we need. Whoever guards our door must be impervious to howls and nasty invectives. They must be big and bold to intimidate those who would dare to enter with naked noses and mouths.
And they must be loyal to our office and not even allow friends to gain entrance.
But as I investigated further into the Praetorian Guards, I began to learn of their own intrigues, of their influence in Roman politics. These personal security agents could even overthrow their own Emperor and then name the successor.
After further consultation, we decided that Praetorian Guards were not meant for our little office.
We decided to paint the door bright red and then have huge black lettering proclaim:
HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
ALL PERSONS WHO ENTER HERE SHALL NOT HAVE A NAKED COUNTENANCE.
THEY MUST BE MASKED
IF MASKLESS, ENTRANCE IS HEREBY BARRED.
THIS NOTICE APPLIES ALL BIPEDS
FURRED SERVICE INDIVIDUALS ARE THE ONLY EXEMPTION AND THEY ARE WELCOMED AS USUAL
Dr. Curmudgeon suggests “Bitter Medicine”, Dr. Eugene Eisman’s story of his experiences–from the humorous to the intense—as a young army doctor serving in the Vietnam War.
Bitter Medicine by Eugene H. Eisman, M.D. –on Amazon
Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.
SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”