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Doctor Curmudgeon® The Doctor Is In! Really?

By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist

“These are the times that try men’s souls…Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered;”

Somewhere the sun shines brightly on a television anchor. She is a characteristically buoyant journalist who, in these trying times, hears the words of Tom Paine echoing in her head.

And so, she contacted her producer about the ending segment on her Friday evening newscast. They agreed that it was time for something lighter; something to end the horrific news week on a more educationally uplifting tone.

This is a transcript of that segment:

ANCHOR: “Tonight, we have Doctor Curmudgeon ready to answer your questions. Just call the number at the bottom of your screen. She is in Family practice and ready to speak with you. We want to emphasize that these are her opinions and not to be taken as medical advice until you have checked with your own physician.
Caller, you are on the air…

CALLER: “Hey, Doc. So glad I can finally get an answer to something that really has been bothering me. I’ve thought about this for years. I even asked all my friends…and my boyfriend…and my co-workers…they just don’t know either. So, we’re all listening in. Don’t want to bother my own doc with this. You know how it is…and”

DOC: “Ask already!”

CALLER: “How often should I change my underwear?”

DOC: (After a few second of silence) “Every time you pee.

CALLER: “My wife is flying to a big wedding out of state with over one hundred people and most of them will not wear masks and only a few have been vaccinated. She wants me to go with her. I keep telling her not to go and I don’t want to go. But she insists. What should I do?”

DOC: “Divorce her.”

CALLER: “Why does my blood pressure go up whenever I stop taking my medicine?”
(On camera, Doctor Curmudgeon is seen hiding her head face down on her desk as she disconnects the call)

CALLER: “My daughter’s pediatrician told her not to bring her pet snake with her to school and so we are mad at him and instead, she plans to bring her pet rats with her every day to keep her company.”

DOC: “Is that a question? Your pediatrician is a smart doc. Listen!!!”

CALLER: “I am consulting with you today because I want to know…how long can I go without taking a shower?”

DOC: “Consult with your dog.”

CALLER: “I think I’d like to be a doctor.”

DOC: “Why?”

CALLER CONTINUES: “Because I look good in white. So, I want to know how I can do it more quickly.”

DOC CONTINUES: “Go to medical school.”

CALLER CONTINUES TO CONTINUE: “That’s too long. I have a life. I think I’ll just call myself doctor. Bye.”

CALLER: “My family has been arguing about something and they decided that I should call you to settle it.”

DOC: “My ears are now perked up.”

CALLER CONTINUES: “Do we have to hold our breath when we flush the toilet?”

DOC CONTINUES: “Are you sticking your nose into the bowl below the water level?”


DOC CONTINUING: “Then, just breathe…like this…in…out…in…out…”

CALLER STILL CONTINUING: “Wait, Doc. I have another question. Which way are you supposed to have the roll of toilet paper go? I’m told that the end has to be on top so you touch the rest of the roll less often.”

DOC PRESENTING FINAL ANSWER TO THE CALLER: “Your question is so important that you must immediately, just as soon as you hang up, write a letter to the op-ed page of your local newspaper. Everybody worries about this and you are doing a public service in bringing this significant topic to the forefront of the news. Don ‘t forget to mark this as urgent…”

ANCHOR AS SHE MUTES DOCTOR CURMUDGEON: “Thank you to all of our listeners. And thank you, Doctor Curmudgeon. We want to emphasize as strongly as possible that all opinions expressed by the good doctor are not those of anybody, in any way, even vaguely connected with this station. These are not the opinions of any of our advertisers. They are also not the opinions of any of our family members, friends or somebody in an outlying affiliate even remotely connected with this station. Those opinions are solely from Doctor Curmudgeon. Please consult your own physician for any medical concerns.”

Dr. Curmudgeon suggests “Bitter Medicine”, Dr. Eugene Eisman’s story of his experiences–from the humorous to the intense—as a young army doctor serving in the Vietnam War.

Bitter Medicine by Eugene H. Eisman, M.D. –on Amazon

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”