Doctor Curmudgeon® A Patient I Would Never See…Thankfully!
By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist
The patient was very ill.
He was just not himself.
His personal physician was only able to determine that he was acting quite strangely.
He had been a star for almost twenty years…and there was something definitely wrong with him now.
The patient kept rolling his head around.
And the poor patient was not able to speak to let his doctors know what was bothering him.
He couldn’t even point to the area that hurt!
Brooke is a three hundred seventy six pound alligator who resides in a lagoon at the St. Augustine Zoological Park. He had been living there quite happily for the past twenty years. And he really is a star because people come from far away to visit with him.
It was obvious that Brooke needed a thorough medical evaluation to determine what was happening with the poor fellow. The reptile curator at the park was anxious to get the proper treatment for this famous star.
But, it was not easy getting Brooke to the University of Florida Veterinary Hospital.
And, of course it was not his weight that was the problem. Alligators have between seventy and eighty great big scary strong teeth. They grab their prey with these huge teeth and they can hang on….and on…and on.
And don’t forget about that massive tail!! You really need to steer clear of that heavy muscular tail. It is responsible for about half the weight of the alligator.
A Wise person avoids the tail of an alligator writhing in pain.
It took six veterinary physicians to get Brooke securely fastened onto a board to transport him to the Hospital.
On his arrival at the University of Florida, Dr. Bridget Walker a resident in zoological medicine was able to draw blood. Dr. Walker completed her task unscathed. She was able to draw his blood by straddling him while a very strong man stood at his mouth keeping it securely closed. To spare him any undue stress, Dr. Walker used a towel to cover Brooke’s eyes. But I suspect that she did that in order to remove herself from his sight as a potential target!
The patient underwent a battery of exams. Brooke is so large that doctors were unable to do a complete CT scan of his entire body; but they were able to get an accurate picture of the problem using x rays and CT scans.
And after a complete diagnostic evaluation?
The final diagnosis? An ear infection.
Dr. Curmudgeon suggests “Bitter Medicine”, Dr. Eugene Eisman’s story of his experiences–from the humorous to the intense—as a young army doctor serving in the Vietnam War.
Bitter Medicine by Eugene H. Eisman, M.D. –on Amazon
Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.
SERMO www.sermo.com
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