My Brush With Domestic Violence

By KG Farrell

Part 2: Why do they stay?

Dear reader, when we last left off Blondie was safe on my couch and I was returning to Ringside Report as a writer. While obviously the latter is still the case, unfortunately between then and now Blondie returned to her abuser. Our abuser. I knew it was a possibility but it still hurt. I want better for her.

Did you know that on average it takes seven attempts for a victim to leave an abusive relationship? That’s a maddening number I know. Understanding why it happens doesn’t make it less so.

In Blondie’s case it was because she’s suffering from substance abuse. After a surprising 3-day withdrawal on my sofa, we thought that she had kicked it. I suppose that was wishful thinking on both our parts. The withdrawal left her, the desire to be high did not. The only person she was able to get the drugs from for free, is of course John. So Christmas morning she left.

Having known her for such a short time I cannot conclusively say she was telling me the truth when she said John got her addicted to meth. However, I do know that there was family member that John introduced to and supplied with meth. Through John’s own admission, that person became addicted and therefore was a good source of income for John. That family member managed to escape to another state. Blondie came along right after with her disability check and has become his replacement income. Keeping her addicted would certainly ensure continued access to her money.

I feel it is important to say that not all victims stay or return because of substance abuse. In fact, getting someone to stay VIA addiction is fairly rare. It’s time consuming and costly.

Most abusers will start by separating a victim from those who care about them. It’s almost as if the abusers are following the same script. They use manipulation and guilt to drive a wedge between the victim, their friends and their family.

Once the victim is isolated, the abuser systematically takes control of the finances, the mail, their schedule, the phone. The phone is crucial. It is the victim’s source of communication with the outside world. The way in which to call for help. It’s usually the first thing an offender will deliberately break during a fight.

That’s what happened to me. Before John punched me in the face he knocked my phone to the ground and broke it. Not only was I not able to call 911 (the neighbors called in response to my gunshot) but the prosecuting attorney’s office wasn’t able to reach me in the days that followed my assault. This is a very important point.

I didn’t realize how crucial that contact was prior to the prosecutor charging the offender. I know now, that if I wasn’t going to testify they would have no witness and therefore no case. At the time however, I just assumed he would be charged and I would speak to the prosecuting attorney prior to trial.

I did order a new phone btw but it never arrived. Something happened with my mail at that time that caused many things to be returned to sender. Including the letter from the prosecutor’s office that informed me that they needed to speak with me. I cannot assert or even speculate that John had anything to do with the mail being returned but if it was just a coincidence, the timing could not have been worse.

Now, back to the point. I want you to try to imagine yourself in a situation where you have no access to money. Imagine your phone is broken and you’re not allowed to drive the family car alone. Imagine that you have no one left in your life to turn to.
Now imagine that you have two children depending on you for their survival. What do you do?

Many times a victim will stay because they can’t get away with their children. Often the abuser doesn’t abuse the children. At least not right away. Even so, can you imagine leaving your children to possibly take a beating that was meant for you?

If a victim can get money, help with the kids and the time make a break for it, more victims die leaving then staying. In fact, 75% of the women who are killed by an abusive partner are killed while they are trying to leave. Believe me when I tell you, abuse victims are aware of that.

There are other considerations that make it difficult to even try to leave. When we marry, we make vows in front of God and our families for better or for worse. We want to believe our partners can change, we want to believe that we weren’t so stupid as to be involved with someone inherently bad, we are embarrassed that we allowed ourselves to become controlled so completely by another person. We want to believe it is the last time.

There is a cycle of abuse that makes this kind thinking so easy. Because immediately after the abusive event the tension is broken. There is a “honeymoon phase” that an abuser will enter into. In which they are sorry and will put forth more effort in the relationship. They may cry and make promises we want to believe.

But the day comes. The day when they hit the children or they escalate to the point of nearly killing their partner. That’s the day the victim can take no more. This is the day they enter the danger zone.

In my neighborhood there are a group of women I am extremely lucky to count amongst my friends. We inhabit three houses along our block. This was helpful in being able to watch each other come and go a little more safely. I would go in back doors or be met at the gate of a fence so that I wouldn’t have to walk past my abuser’s house (which by the way, is only 100 ft. from mine.)

During the time that Blondie had made up her mind to leave but needed time before she got out, everyone had eyes on John. We knew where he was and what he was doing almost all the time. In part, because there is another person who lives in the house with him who fears him and wishes him gone. A secondary victim.

Between her, Blondie and the girls across the street I knew exactly what part of the cycle John was in. When the tension was building; when he started getting what we referred to as “squirrely,” I would poke the bear. I wanted his attention back on me because I was the only one who could defend myself in the face of his rage. Whenever I would piss him off he would be nicer to Blondie and the person I will call “Ann”. In his mind they were on his team. I was the common enemy. He didn’t know we were secretly friends.

Now I alluded to you last time that we fought against him on a psychological level and that’s true. We used music and Bluetooth and carefully placed objects and deliberately loud conversations to put a little fright into John. Admittedly, I enjoyed it. I felt it appropriate that he should know what it’s like to live in fear.

I watched him hide in his house, refusing to come out even to smoke a cigarette. He tried, for a while, to take the dog with him everywhere he went but apparently forgot that the dog loves me. The first time she spotted me, she tore across the street to cover me in kisses. After that, the dog went back on to her lead.

For legal and safety reasons, I won’t go into everything we did to keep him off kilter but I will tell you that it worked. He kept his hands to himself during that time.

Now I’m not suggesting that you would want to take up such a campaign dear reader but there’s a lot of room between that extreme and doing nothing. If you hear the screaming if you hear the fighting if you see the bruises say something. Nothing complicated. Something like, “If you need help, you can come to my house and you’ll get it.”

Talk to the neighbors around you if you suspect someone in your neighborhood is in trouble. Keep an eye and ears on that person. Call the police if you hear the fighting. Get involved. You may be the only one who can.

Now, I want to speak directly to the gentlemen amongst our readers for a moment. There is something else you can do for us. It’s time for you to become proactive. Tell your friends, brothers, sons and nephews that violence perpetrated against a weaker individual is a punk ass move. It should be an embarrassment to a man if his friends find out he has hit someone smaller than himself. Only men can impact other men in this way. I’m sure you know that to be true.

I’m going to leave it there this time, dear reader. To allow you time to absorb and reflect. In part 3 we will learn more about the resources available in your community, the gaps that exist and perhaps a new angle to address this problem.
Have you ever been driving down a highway and read a billboard that said:

“Hey, Man. Do you feel like hitting your wife? Don’t. 1-800-xxx-xxxx”

No? Me neither. Maybe it’s time that we do.

Read Part I

KG Farrell is an author, activist and artist living her best life in Northwest Missouri. She has previously published two suspense novels that you can find here here.

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