Trust
By Jim Koury
I have started meditating regularly again after getting away from it for some time because of various life circumstances that have preoccupied me. One night recently, I was meditating before bed to relax and see if there were any messages meant for me. I was also somewhat at a loss as to what to write about in this week’s essays. I had a few ideas, but nothing gave me that firm feeling in my gut: “Yes, that’s it.” During my meditation session, the concept of trust shot out at me from my gray matter, so today’s focus is trust.
Trust is one of those concepts that encompass much. It is often a character trait and a sign of one’s integrity. If entrusted with a secret or other information that is not shared, that usually indicates a person’s good character. There is also trust in relationships that, once breached, creates turmoil and angst with all parties involved. Last, and likely most important, is trusting oneself, decisions that impact personal and spiritual growth, and evolution as an enlightened individual. If we learn to trust ourselves to make decisions that move us forward, trusting others can be easier.
As children, we have a clean trust slate. We have no reason not to trust that others will do right by us, care for us, and have our well-being first and foremost in their minds. Our families are the front line of trust when we are kids. It gives us a sense of security and a fallback when something destabilizes and knocks us backward a few paces.
As we age, start school, and begin our life’s journey as young adults, trust in others is often breached, and we are disillusioned sometimes to the point where we put up our guard a bit and do not allow ourselves much leeway to compromise our vulnerability. We place a barrier around ourselves, questioning motives and hidden agendas. Some folks can overcome these breaches in trust, while others use them as a basis to further build upon and make their walls even higher to protect themselves.
When we begin working careers involving many interpersonal relationships, the trust bank depletes even more. One would think those we work and interact with for a large chunk of our day are trustworthy. Sadly, that is not the case, as we often discover those we think we can trust are talking behind our backs, spreading gossip while at the same time extending false graciousness and smiles to us. It is a disheartening experience to place trust in someone and find out it was all a charade. Jealously, or some other petty reason, is usually the culprit or insecurity that someone else is after their job. After so many years in this environment, it is natural to draw back and not participate in office events and other activities. Why do we want to, right? Why would we spend social time with people who do not hesitate to stab us in the back? We get to the point where we do our jobs, get the paycheck, go home, and leave all the office crap in the office.
Relationships and marriage also can instill a sense of mistrust, especially when infidelity rears its head. The relationships between two people are fraught with landmines and other bumps in the road that can wedge and divide without due diligence to ensure the bond is tight despite the landmines and bumps. While far from an expert on relationships, I have seen enough in others’ partnerships that create angst, disrespect, and often straying from the vows given to each other. If I have found that once there is a breach of trust, and both parties say they are over it, I must question whether the aggrieved party genuinely forgets. Some can, but I am dubious that the hurt and nagging sense of mistrust is ever put out of their heads not to be thought of again.
Now, to relate all this talk of trust to my life. Yikes!!!
Being a captive to one’s closet can create an intense mistrust of others. I always drew back from people when I felt they were delving too deeply into my situation or wanted to become closer friends than we were. I was not at a point to divulge my secret to anyone, even though most people already knew. I felt it was much easier to contain myself within myself than to open up my world and its secrets to others who could take advantage of me and my vulnerability. I was working in a high-profile, community-based job, and I did not want to allow anything to jeopardize it. As I said, little did I realize then that most folks knew my secret anyway, once I got to the point of coming out and not caring much about keeping the secret I diligently guarded for so long.
Because of being in the closet, I never explored becoming romantically involved with anyone. I wanted to, but heaven forbid folks start to see me hang around a dude all the time, right? After I came out, I eventually explored that world of love briefly. To make a long story short, it did not work out for reasons evident to me now, but it scarred me so much to the point where I vowed I would not ever again put myself in a position where someone took advantage of my vulnerability, and openness to allow someone within my closed world. This brief encounter of all but a month or so did much damage to my psyche to the point where it gravely compromised my ability to trust someone else to be a partner to this day. This revelation is the first time I have ever admitted this to anyone but myself, let alone in such a public forum as this.
I must overcome my mistrust of others and chip away at the wall constructed around me by my hands. Others say they derive much happiness by including another person in their lives. Deep down, I think I realize the truth in this statement. However, the many years of telling myself I was happy and content by myself, without the trappings of all that can hurt me and pierce my self-perceived sense of invincibility and keep all my vulnerabilities intact, prevents me from exploring this uncharted aspect of my life.
I am now 63, and I have begun to question whether I want to die with the regret of never having loved another. Why I cannot climb over the wall of resistance to explore this unknown, which will be a source of great happiness for me, is beyond my explanation other than fear. Fear is the culprit and, sadly, is a motivating force in all our lives, especially after being used to a way of life for so long, immersed in the insecurities and failures of the past. I am confident I can eventually do it with more personal growth, meditation, and a more intense desire to leave the past’s insecurities and failures behind me, which will be essential to opening one of the last locked doors in my subconsciousness and, more importantly, my heart that is behind a well-guarded encasement.
The lack of trust can be debilitating as it spills over into all areas of our lives. What is it that you mistrust? What is it cause? Do you want to climb over the wall of mistrust preventing you from achieving something? Only you know the answer to these questions. It is a personal decision whose answer will come when the time is right. In the meantime, have faith in yourselves to carry on and continue to work toward becoming the person you all are to be.
Jim is the author of two books, Unredacted, and Soul Journey, and also publishes an online publication, Diversity Rules Magazine. He resides in Upstate New York in the city where he was born, with his dog Lina and cat Critter.