Why The Couch Rumor Took Hold

By Sharon Synowsky

So, the rumor that J (just) D (a dick) Vance violated a Value City sofa has been fact-checked as false. The guy who started the rumor has publicly admitted it was false.
Now, in the days of B.C. (Before Corruption), a rumor like that would have disappeared faster than a Big Mac at Mar A Lago. But Trump and his asshat sycophants have ushered in an era where, by the things they ACTUALLY do and say, people are more surprised when such a rumor is proved false. THEY are why this silly, kinda gross, always funny, probably-written-shortly-after-eating-an-edible story EXPLODED!

And explode it did – Dude who started it expressed amazement that it caught fire and burned its way across social media, to the point that MSM publication The Associated Press picked it up and did the initial fact check. (THAT was a crazy headline, HUH?) Because MAGA is so weird, this little weird rumor was believed FOR DAYS UPON DAYS! N.Y. Sanitation department got in on the fun, and dozens of videos from an “ad” for “sofa lubricant” to a guy dressed up as a chair, saying he was Chase Lounge and he and JD had dated dominated our social media feeds.

Even with the rumor being debunked, we are still making jokes about it. Again, because it is weird and MAGA is weird. We see MAGA wearing diapers to rallies; wearing t-shirts that say, ‘You can grab mine, Mr. President!’; even wearing maxi pads on their ears at the RNC convention.

They applaud when Trump weirdly talks about sharks and batteries and electrocution and Hannibal Lecter and praises Putin on the great deal HE got in the prisoner exchange and…

UGH!

Yet they are surprised and offended when things like one of them violating a Sofa King is believed and shared. They don’t realize that their behavior is what makes a rumor as ridiculous as this one so believable.

Honestly, dear MAGA, when we see you wearing our flag like a muumuu; when we see you buy trading cards of Trump built like Arnold Schwarzenegger; when we see you rush to get t-shirts that say ‘Never Surrender’ with a picture of Trump LITERALLY surrendering; how can we NOT believe such a rumor as one of y’all had sex with a sofa.

(I wonder how many of you MAGA Dudes have actually tried it in the past 3 weeks…)

So, MAGA, you brought this upon yourselves. From the Orange Guy at the top, to his creepily weird #2, all the way down to the crazy Memaw who thinks Trump is still President and the guy in the Senate is John Fetterman’s body double, you’re all weird.

We will keep calling you weird.

And we will keep telling couch jokes.

At least until another one of you weirdos does something stupid.

RFK Jr.: “HOLD MY BEER!”

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