Doctor Curmudgeon® Useless! Useless! Useless!

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAFP

Do not send me further emails about my nose hairs.

Please!

They are my business. And I do not need a special implement with which to remove them. They are not visible, so obviously you do not know me and have not had the opportunity to view my nostrils. Purchase a nose hair trimmer for only twenty dollars? Really? I am still on the floor rolling over with laughter.

Anyway, this is one useless object vendors are trying to foist upon us. If your nose hairs are of concern, consult your ENT specialist and discuss the matter with him/her

And there is the gadget with lots of prongs to massage my scalp. My scalp is just fine, thank you very much. If I were insane enough to try using it, I would most likely, poke myself in the eye as I raised it to my head. Pshaw on that one!

These maniacal gadgets are usually sent to me in the guise of “things you cannot do without.” Oh, you bet your bippy I can do without them!

What about a weird looking thing than can wipe stuff off your whisk? That yummy chocolate you have been whisking smooth to pile on your toast, for example. Arrrggghhh…what is wrong with the ancient ritual of using your fingers?

Of course, we all need that tool that can cut grapes in quarters. Order that immediately before those grapes lurking in your refrigerator grow stale. After all, how could anybody in their right mind pop a whole grape into their mouth?

Recently, I received notice of another delightful thing that I must have, at all costs: A gadget that you stick your finger in and it will massage it. Wow! How wonderful is that!

I must not forget the lip enhancer that has LED light to enhance your lips. Leave my lips alone. They are just fine as they are (with occasional lipstick or gloss, of course).

What about those ads that clutter my already impossibly cluttered email? They are for creams and potions that have caviar in them. Please! Pay tons of money for a cream with caviar? Seems cheaper to buy caviar and smoosh it on your face. But then, what kind? Domestic? Imported? And if imported, from where? Then, I would smell so fishy, my family and patients and staff would just avoid me.

But, when the ad for flour made from crickets hit my cell phone…

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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