Bramson’s Beach & Ballsy Banter: It’s Absolutely Label-ous!
By Bennett A. Bramson, MPA
While sitting at home recently having a little lunch, I committed a serious error. I read the packaging.
Now, I’m not just talking about the ingredients here, I’m talking about the verbiage that the marketing geniuses devise to inspire us, on their labels.
Let me first explain that I am not your California hoopla, hot tub, birds & bees, honey, dance barefoot through fields of flowers, and life is all happy things kind of guy. Hell, I don’t even need whole grain, natural, or organic foods. But this is going too far.
Here’s a winner from a “Baked! (that’s the way it’s written) Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream Artificially Flavored Naturally Baked (?) Potato Crisps.” Next to the photo of the crisps is a bright green logo which says: “Smart Choices Made Easy.” Yeah, right!
Question: Can someone explain to me what ‘naturally baked’ means? Does that mean they were cooked in a real oven? Over a fire? What is unnaturally baked – exposure to plutonium at a nearby nuclear power plant?
Carefully hidden in the fine print under the photo, is a disclaimer… “Crisps Enlarged to Show Texture.” Which is a clever way of saying that what you’ll get when you open the bag is like looking in the side view mirror of your car: “Items are much smaller than they appear on the bag,” or… “have fun sorting the multi-broken crisps from any possible whole ones which may still exist.”
On the back of this eye blasting yellow package (next to the same green logo) comes important information explaining why the product is a smart choice because of the zero or low grams of fat it contains.
It then says: “Baked! RUFFLES Cheddar & Sour Cream Artificially-Flavored (yes, artificial flavor is a smart choice) Potato Crisps are one of over 100 smart choices made easy from Pepsico.” What part of artificially flavored in this, or the other 99+ choices are supposed to be good for me?
In the next box down is some sage advice for nutritious diet and exercise, explaining that I should “Indulge Sensibly” (a new oxymoron) with this (artificially flavored product).
At the bottom is a quote from some Fitness and Wellness expert, Dr. Kenneth Cooper, who I will be sure not to engage, since he is recommending this as part of my “Sensibly Indulged” daily diet regimen.
A visit to his website starts out with the same green logo and a full-page lengthy testimonial for…healthy products? NO! Organic or Natural products? No! Just a blatant pitch for…Pepsico products. The green I smell here is the kind Pepsico is paying Dr. Cooper for his endorsement. That seems to be the only smart choice I have encountered…for Dr. Cooper! So much for his credibility and reputation!
Let’s swing over to the left side of this panel for the ingredients, where I’m assuming this healthy snack should be made of potatoes, vegetable oil, natural flavoring, maybe salt, and some seasoning. Period! Stupid me.
There are 35, yes – 35 ingredients listed and after the first one, dehydrated potatoes, the balance includes a collection of some real prize fillers such as colorings, preservatives, and sugars. It’s enough to make Bulimia a socially acceptable addiction.
With a focus on America’s weight and unhealthy eating habits, this must be an anomaly, I thought.
Let’s look at another fine dining choice. Soup.
Soup should be a simple recipe. So, I grabbed a microwaveable container of “Campbell’s ‘Soup at Hand’ Creamy Tomato,” thinking the ingredients would be tomatoes, water, salt and seasoning.
Wrong again! This little container of soup (measuring 4.75” H x 3.25” W) contains 41 ingredients and the instructions (which require an Electron microscope to see), include far more warnings, than directions.
“Heating may cause popping, movement of the cup and/or splattering. Remove metal lid (good idea for that microwave). But the remaining metal rim is microwaveable. Careful, leave in microwave for 1 min. Stir thoroughly for even soup temperature. Note: After tasting, if you like warmer soup, remove cap and heat for an additional 15 sec. Caution: Metal edges are sharp. Cup and soup are HOT after heating. Do not purchase if open or punctured. Do not reuse or reheat (it just told me above that I could reheat…what am I to do if it’s not hot enough)?
It’s all so simple…it says so: Great tasting sippable soup…anytime, anywhere. Just microwave, snap on the sipping lip, and go (to the hospital where your lips have now fused to the container).
How about an old American favorite? Kraft Macaroni and Cheese! Let’s just forget it…we don’t even want to go there. How badly can you screw up some pasta and cheese? Don’t ask!
Oh, and about packaging. Can someone figure out a way to make cardboard cereal boxes easy to close and maybe insert a re-sealable package? Am I asking too much?
Let’s not venture into the disclaimers required for things such as car commercials. You know the ones where as the commercial is running, some announcer is reading a proclamation at thousands of words per second, something even a computer can’t understand. These commercials make the car salesmen at the showroom look like ethical human beings (you know the ones who would sell their children for a few extra bucks of commission).
So, what I have discerned from all this is to utilize either one of two important steps in the future?
1) STOP reading the labels, or
2) STOP eating altogether.
That should take care of this problem.
Keep bantering…
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