Doctor Curmudgeon® Chocolate or My License!

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAFP

The four hundred and twenty page bill, HR 666 was before Doctor Curmudgeon®.

It towered over the other papers on her desk.

Fortunately, the local medical society had attempted a one page summary.

Hear Ye!

To all whose bleary, blood shot eyes light upon this missive.

It is recognized that the statistics on chocolate overdoses are very, very, very bad.

It is not merely the chocolate obtained on the street, in grocery stores, drugs stores, health food stores, and the like.

It has been found that physicians, yes, physicians, have been far less than assiduous in their history taking.

They are, indeed, among the vast majority of culprits…those DOs and MDs!

They have been careless in inquiring about how much chocolate their patients
consume in one week.

They have not insisted that patients bring in the labels from those
chocolate foods that they ingest

Oh yes, they whine, they inquire about street drug usage, opioids, smoking and alcohol, but which of these physicians really get down to the nitty gritty of
chocolate usage?

It is a national disgrace.

Obesity can be blamed on chocolate.

Some migraines can be blamed on chocolate

Computers complain about chocolate being dripped on their keyboards.

There have been physicians, who by their chocolate stained lab coats
(Formerly pristine) float into the exam room, condoning this chocolate
behavior by the very stains on their coats.

And what of the chocolate stained fingers and chins! A pox on those humans!

Therefore this legislative body of the Sovereign State of Self-Interest Scandalvania
declares the following: (that is, if you shameless MDs and Dos want to keep
your licenses)

1. All chocolate must be prescription only
2.
2. Every six months you must take a six hour course in chocolate prescribing
(We don’t care what it costs)

3. You are allowed to write a two day prescription with no refills
4.
5. All prescriptions must be on blanks that can not be copied
6.
5. You must log in to the Chocolate prescribers’ data base before you fill
and before you refill

6. There will be an acute chocolate exemption in which it may be prescribed for
seven days

7. If you use this exemption, you must write “acute chocolate exemption” on
the prescription and state why this is necessary for your patient

7. A physician in a city in this state asked the following:
8.
8. ‘If you are found to have an infraction, what will happen to you?’

JUST DON’T ASK!

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine

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