Doctor Curmudgeon®: Where Am I?

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP

I have become aware that I must really be a resident of a multiverse.

And, of course, we all know that there are an infinite number of alternate universes.

Until recently, I had been content to reside in my most current universe. However, there are occasions when I slip into another one.

Although this curmudgeon struggles with the concepts of the universe’s origin: Big Bang. Bounce theory. Inflation theory…and the thoughts of the brilliant cosmologist/theoretical physicist, Dr. Paul Steinhardt, I remain entrenched in the multiverses of certain curmudgeons (There are many curmudgeons out there).

It was in one of these curmudgeonly multiverses that I found myself in the office last week.
Armageddon (our office manager) spoke to me of the arrival of an intriguing man, in dark cloak and large dark hat, pushing a huge box through the office

He spoke to me of a wondrous new product. This product is to be available to physicians on a one-time, extra special, reduced pre-market price.

Before inquiring of the cost, I decided to listen to him. Possibly it was because he had passed Armageddon’s inspection, or maybe it was his attire or his mellifluous voice which commanded my attention

I listened

He spoke

And he presented his latest offering: The Retro Spectro Scope∗

What a boon for the practice of Medicine! With this, and knowing the diagnosis of an individual’s ailment, one could then go back in time to that person’s first visit with the diagnosis already in hand! It can be used to determine if a drug will cause a severe reaction in a specific patient and then the physician can go back and not prescribe it!

Wonder of Wonders!

Of course, I immediately worked out a payment plan from the Royal Cosmological Bank and signed on the spot!

But my visitor had other wonders to display.
Among them was one that caught my eye quite quickly.

Coming home so late after pouring through mountains of paper work and rules and regulations (it seems that HIPPA, MACRA, HEDIS etc. inhabited every universe Doctor Curmudgeon® entered), I had very little time to exercise, speak with a friend, prepare or order in a decent meal)….and so this instrument was meant for today’s physician…

THE DAY STRETCHER!!!

*(This term is not original with Doctor Curmudgeon®. Having been around for millennia, she heard it somewhere, possibly in medical school and cannot give an accurate original source)

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”