Doctor Curmudgeon®: Things I Wish I Hadn’t Heard!
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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP
Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an Internist/cardiologist
I am not supposed to do it. But I did anyway. I just gritted my teeth. It makes my dentist unhappy, but there are times when an old curmudgeon just must grit her teeth…because the alternative can be some very nasty and undignified expletives!
The patient sat before me: “But, doc, I still have this knee pain. And it may even be worse!”
Unsuspecting me: “What did the orthopedist say?”
Answer from patient: “He took lots of X rays over my whole body. He was just so good. And I saw him three times a week. I think I was better for a while. But now it’s worse.”
The patient noticed my face put on its pre-growl. But before I could emit a full growl, he said, “Don’t worry, Doc, I have an appointment to see him, this week. I just mentioned it because you asked me about my knee.”
I knew the answer before I asked; but I just had to ask.
“Which orthopedist did you see? Odd that I didn’t get a consult report.”
“Dr. Feelgood.”
Me: “is he an MD or DO?”
Dr. Feelgood turned out to be a chiropractor
I launched into my calm explanation about the difference between chiropractors and real orthopedists.
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And then there was the patient doing very well on her current blood pressure medication, no side effects, and excellent control of her hypertension.
“Listen up, Doc, My sister is on a different drug and likes it and since she is my sister, she says I should be on the same thing.’
Me: “Is she a physician?”
Patient: “No, I told you, she’s my sister.”
Me: “I am confused. You feel well on the med, your blood pressure is under good control. The medication is affordable.”
Patient: “Don’t you listen? I told you my sister is on a different drug and she says that if you were a good doctor, you would listen and put me on the same thing.”
Me: “Ask me again when she finishes her residency.”
Patient: “Huh?
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Patient: (after long discussion about how an antibiotic would not be appropriate for him) “If you don’t
give me an antibiotic right now for my stuffy nose I am calling my lawyer.”
Me: “Oh, is he an infectious disease specialist or a specialist in Otolaryngology?”
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And then there is the oft-repeated response to the Review of Systems, where we go through body
parts and organs and ask if the patient has complaints. At the end of this lengthy litany, a
patient finally responded, “Yeah.”
‘Yeah to what?” I queried innocently.
“To what you just asked.”
Bada Bing Bada Boom!
Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.
SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”
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