Doctor Curmudgeon® A Restless Homestead
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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist
Doctor Curmudgeon® has a diverse family.
In addition to the two-footed, tailless members there are felines and a canine who are part of the Curmudgeon family unit.
A busy household.
A well fed household.
An interesting household…especially in regards to one member, a feline by the name of Renpet who is supposedly a former CIA agent and occasionally disappears into limos, surrounded by men and woman in dark suits, earpieces and artillery. The rest of the family never knows when she will leave, when she will return and they know very well not to ask her any questions.
For the most part, the Curmudgeon home is relatively calm. Much of the credit for the smooth running of this ménage goes to Sir Galahad, the Siberian Husky who simply and efficiently manages everything. As it is said he “has the conn.”
Those of you who know Doctor Curmudgeon® are aware of her tendency to create a state of high entropy in her surroundings.
Her viewing of news programs has been restricted due to her agitation, anger, and horror over the murderous happenings, lack of leadership, idiocy, treachery and arrogance of the person who occupies a residence on Pennsylvania Avenue. This was done under the authority of Gally (Sir Galahad) as it was necessary to restore equilibrium.
This helped somewhat; but not enough.
Meditation did restore a semblance of serenity; but the cranky one kept opening her eyes.
A soothing mask was placed over her eyes imbued with the scent of chocolate; again only temporary relief.
Her favorite symphonic music was delivered to her via high quality headphones; but this only caused her to leap out of her chair and begin conducting the orchestra. Not good. Not relaxing.
As a last resort, Gally turned on the television, while keeping control of the remote. He went to the Hallmark channel and found a benign series focused on 1890 to 1920 and had lots of good baking, intelligent strong women, charming Mounties and townspeople that helped each other. The curmudgeon watched for five minutes, then made a leap for Galahad. However, the Husky was far quicker than the little irritable doctor. “Why are you leaping at me?”
“I just wanted the remote so I could throw it out the window.”
“Not necessary,” answered the Husky. “I can simply turn off the TV.”
Growling, she resumed her place in the chair; Galahad was not able to understand her growl as it was not one of the canine dialects that he spoke.
The time had come for a different authority.
Fortunately, Renpet, the “retired” CIA feline had just returned and placed her portmanteau at the door.
She and Galahad nodded, completely in sync.
Placing a huge cushion on the floor, she directed the curmudgeonly one to sit on it. Making sure that the physician was comfortable and her back was supported against the sofa, she began to speak, “Do not talk. Do not whine. Just breathe with me.”
Doctor Curmudgeon followed the breathing exercises with Renpet.
And when the little irritated, angry doctor was quiet and breathing deeply through her nose, Renpet said, “The time has come to access your inner cat!”
Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.
SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”
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