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Doctor Curmudgeon® The Cranky One Has a Secret!


By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist

Light was streaming from beneath the door of the small room that managed to accommodate computers, books, and exercise equipment

And this was not the first occurrence.

It was happening with great regularity, usually beginning about midnight and then continuing through pre-dawn.

Hero Doctor (Dr. Curmudgeon®’s husband and cardiologist partner) never noticed it, because after reviewing quantum mechanics, various history books, putting up shelves and doing odds and ends around the house during this time of staying at home, he felt the need to get at least eight hours of sleep each night)

The Curmudgeon family home was clean, stocked with food and watched over by Sir Galahad Protector of the Welsh Faerie People (For those who are blissfully unaware of Galahad and his provenance. He is a brilliant Siberian Husky who is a very important family member)

Although, Gally did not have an M.D. or D.O., he did a great deal of reading and was concerned when he felt that the small curmudgeon was not having enough rest. It was now occurring every night: that ominous light coming from beneath the “study” door. And he was troubled as he knew the curmudgeon had gone in, closed the door and was there for hours.

It was now noon. Doctor Curmudgeon® thumped down the stairs to the kitchen (It was a source of curiosity to the household that the small doctor clumped down the stairs so loudly while the larger physician, six feet in height seemed to float and made no noise)

As the cranky one poured coffee, while holding her hair from her eyes, Gally felt the need to question her.

“Why are you up until 3 AM most nights?”

“Huh?” was the response.

“Not only are you awake,” Galahad continued, “But we know you are doing something in the study almost all night long.”

Silence as coffee was slurped and toast was crunched.

“Well, I’m not making noise. So, I’m not bothering anybody,” was the surly reply.

“You need your rest and you need to get back on a more regular schedule.”


Pulling a fourth chocolate chip cookie from her hand, the Husky continued, “Because, sometime in the next decade, it will be a little safer to return to the office and actually see patients in person….and you will be so time muddled that you will be waddling in at 3 AM instead of 8:30!”

Standing on his hind paws, forepaws across his chest, the Husky lasered his gaze at the little doctor.


“Well….” Said Galahad. “What is it that keeps you up all hours? I see you reading medicine in the day…can’t be that.”

More silence.

Now tapping his right forepaw in a rare show of impatience, Gally continued to stare at Doctor Curmudgeon ®

With a tremendous sigh, the physician decided to own up.

“I have found something far better than anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds in this awful time. No, it’s not meditation. It’s better and it lets me know that all is right with the world….at least at an earlier time and hopefully somewhere else in this universe.

“And what is that, pray tell?”

“I watch ‘Modern Family.”

“But that can be so boring after a while.”

“I know, Galahad, but I’ve watched the whole eleven seasons.”

Smiling, the Husky said, “And so you’re done. Time to go to bed at a reasonable hour.”

“Oh no! I can’t do that. I’m watched the eleven seasons for the fifth time! And I start my sixth tonight.

Galahad’s jaw dropped open, “You need help!”

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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