Religion & Family Hypocrisy, Mental Illness and Being a Member of the LGBTQ Community in America!

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By E. L. Alexander

The Night is my Friend and my Foe…

I never wanted to go to sleep at night unless everyone else was home and asleep. I would stay up very very late and read The Enquirer, my mom might pick up, until late in the evening. I still do not like the idea of going to bed, regardless of how exhausted or in pain I might be on a given night. On long plane flights, I cannot sleep. I do sleep very lightly, and almost anything can awaken me. I take medication to sleep—or I will be wide awake for days if I do not.

Every night, I thumb through my pill box, to find the six Benadryl and the muscle relaxant as well as another drug I take to prevent restless legs syndrome. My life is filled with pharmacies, heating pads, the proper shoes and medical appointments.

My conservative family has rejected me for many years, thinking I was lazy, a welfare cheat or an unambitious woman. In reality, I have been disabled by Fibromyalgia since I was about eleven years old. I was a chubby kid, but active on our farm in eastern Washington.

My family, with the exclusion of my mother, who died of cancer, at 48 (I was 25) believed these things, because I became very needy as a young mother, who left an abusive marriage (they blamed me for choosing him) was homeless less than four weeks after my mother died. Even the so-called progressive church of which I was a part, also judged me ruinously in this area—my obesity was a signal, I believe to the thoughts that I just needed to get a grip and get any job. It did not matter that I could not pay for childcare and rent and my medical costs with a job at Burger King.

Just before my mother died, I also had sinus and nose surgery due to constant infections and was hospitalized for severe depression for 11 days. I could not find anyone to rent to myself and my child–to rent a room, it would just have to be me, alone. My church friends set a deadline for me to “get out,” and I left, without a place to go with my 3-year-old daughter. I left that day, in the rag-a-tag car with my kid. I stayed at the YWCA shelter in Seattle for one month and then the Broadview Shelter for another 3 weeks until I got into low income housing.

I cannot sleep at night until everyone is quiet or asleep. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and every night was one of stress—waiting for my drunk father to arrive home—wondering if he had killed himself or someone else with his car. I was so worried he would come home and berate my mother for hours after hours—as she would sit, quietly while he made his tirade. I became a hyper-vigilant child and adult.

These disability issues I have involve physical and psychological (PTSD) arenas, and I was rejected by my family for not being “abled” to them. Part of that rejection also had to do with my inability to coalesce with their political perspective. I was also a lesbian. The lesbian part would not have bothered them that much in the long run, if I had only not been disabled and needy—and if I had, in reality, also hated Bill and Hillary Clinton. Really. My lesbian cousin and gay cousin have gone along with the program, and they are still in the family. The gay one was with Act Up (secretly) and the lesbian just doesn’t talk about her life with them—ever. Her partner never goes to family functions and her bother doesn’t even know about her life. My aunt thinks her partner “lured” her into the queer life. Neither of my queer cousins talks to me anymore, because I “cause trouble” in the family with my “out there” actions or feelings or just being.

This is the crux of the political person in this country. Families WILL be divided. Some of us are injured—so we cannot sleep at night. The dysfunction of this country is primary sourced at the beginning—in the family dysfunction. The psychological structure and the real values of this country start with children—with communities. We have to coalesce as a country with a shared group of values as Americans—and it is not money that should bring us together. We have to share our resources. No billionaires. Billionaires have little to no value in our lives—here in America and Globally. Innovation creatively, honoring one another and ending racism, division and ending ableism. Support the poor, and the disabled to succeed and to form working and business environments to make them succeed. It takes a little bit of effort—but I can tell you it is worth it. Structure disability help with ways for us to succeed—not barely live as poor people in this country.

When I met Elizabeth Warren in August, 2019, I was still recovering from a very terrible illness. I met her and said, briefly, “I live on SSI and that is not enough to live on. “She replied— “Yes, it is just enough to be poor.” She subsequently came up with her disability plan—the most inclusive plan on which to help those of us who are disabled to make a good life. Take a look at it—implore Joe Biden to take it on. https://elizabethwarren.com/plans/disability-rights-and-equality

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