Doctor Curmudgeon® To Stream or Not To Stream

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist

The sharp persistent buzz of a beeper message awakened Doctor Curmudgeon’s cell phone. Grabbing her alarm clock first, she stared at its face. 10AM! Who or what could possibly be bothering her at this hour!
With the office temporarily closed, she had taken to advance her usual awakening time from 6:15 to 10:46. This was quite a natural and logical happening as she had always been a “night owl.” And now, left to her own devices, a normal bedtime would occur naturally between 1:15AM and 1:45AM.

Checking the message: “Please call your patient. He did not leave a name. He said you knew his name. He was gracious enough to leave a number and He said it is not urgent but he needs to know something today. With apologies from your loyal answering service. His number is…..”

For those who know the good doctor, a message of that ilk is not a great way to start her day. A debate ensued between the alarm clock and the physician.

Actually, it was the beeper cell phone message that won.
And so the physician dialed the patient’s number.
“Hi, Doc.”
“Yes,” answered Doctor Curmurdgeon
“Soooo…how are you doing?”
With a smidgeon of attitude in her voice, Doctor Curmudgeon responded, “why are you calling me?’
“You sound quite icky-picky, Doc.”
“Fortunately, I have never encountered icky-picky. Why are you calling? Twenty words or less and then I am hanging up?”
“I just need to know who’s streaming you.”
“What on earth are you jabbering about?”
“Doc,” cajoled the voice
“Listen to me. You have not even had the courtesy to give me your name. Your twenty words are almost up. Quick! Talk!”
The voice continued, “Awwww Doc. You know me. I’m Quimsey Carbuncle.”
Gritting her death, Doctor Curmudgeon responded, “So?”
“I just wanted to know which channel was streaming you.”

Throwing her old, battle scarred baseball (which always resided on her bedside table) against the wall….as if it was an opening day wild pitch, she answered, “I have no idea why you have annoyed me early on a Saturday morning. This is not an emergency. I am now giving you the courtesy of notifying you in advance that I am about to hang up….”
“Wait, Doc,” Mr. Carbuncle, quickly cut in. “It was just an email that Getafix was going to stream doctors now.”
“What an insane thought!”
“But, doc, this is a service for your patients!”
Doctor Curmudgeon took a deep breath before responding.
“Get a life! Wear a mask! No handshakes! Pet your furry friend! Use your treadmill! Or walk back and forth in your house! Do some pushups! Shut up! Only call for emergencies, refills or appointments! You’ve been streamed!”

Ta-Da! https://youtu.be/bjxf-eQWKoo

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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