Doctor Curmudgeon® Where Oh Where is Doctor Curmudgeon?

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist

As long as anybody can remember, Doctor Curmudgeon has had a problem.

For want of a better term, she thinks of it as an inability to create a geographic memory. Most likely, somewhere hidden deep within her hippocampus is a glitch which confuses her when she waddles around in a new environment.

If she is in a restaurant and tries to return to her table from a bathroom trip…it can take a while for her to find that table. Do not even ask about the difficulties she has when parking her car in a large parking lot. She has been fortunate in that she discovered…if she simply turns around to look at where she came from…she can more easily find her way back.

She has long thought it was simply an area of decreased intelligence, but she found that this disorder seems to run rampant in her family.

But then… A modern solution strode forcefully into Doctor Curmudgeon’s life. Into the life of this Luddite…stomped the GPS!!!

Those close to her relaxed. Those people whom she frantically called when her car caused her to be lost no longer worried. All was in balance. All she had to do was use the GPS

Ah yes.

GPS!

This was supposed to be an assistant to Doctor Curmudgeon?

Sure.

Right.

She understands that GPS stands for Global Positioning System.

In other words, this thing is meant to position her somewhere on the globe? To Doctor Curmudgeon, this is illogical.

While driving she is now able to receive annoying messages such as “Keep to the right in 118 inches.” Keep to the right? What does that mean in Doctor Curmudgeon terms? She assumes the device is telling her to make that right hand turn.

And then the kindly doctor turns right and what does she hear? “You idiot, you were supposed to KEEP to the right, not turn right. And now I have to recalculate.”

Recalculate? I just want specific instructions…like make a right turn at the next traffic light…or even…keep going straight…you are doing fine. What does keep to the right mean? I am not driving in Great Britain. I am already driving on the right.”

“And by the way, you are the idiot you stupid GPs….not me! Just show me your degree.”

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

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