Donald Trump Draws a Picture…
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By Donald “Braveheart” Stewart
Having enjoyed his morning walk around the garden Mr Trump has come inside because it is getting hot and he doesn’t like too much sun on himself – that is what his lying down in those big purple lighty things is for.
He is now in a room with a camera and does not like it…
Picture the scene…
Mr Trump s to be interviewed by a nice man. He thinks he is a nice man. He knows that there have been not so nice men coming to his house recently and he told everyone that there should not be not so nice men coming because they ask big questions that he does not like.
He even asked that people be about so they can hand him things. He likes being handed things. He is the best at being handed things. He knows that nobody is better than him at being handed things.
“Mr President?” Someone is talking and Mr Trump cannot see who it is because of the lights. He squints and turns a little and finds the source of the voice. It is a woman. He looks her up and down and he licks his lips. They like this. He knows they like this because it always works for him.
“Yes, my dear?” They like being called, dear. He knows they like being called dear, because it always works for him.
She reacts on the inside from his leering look and makes a mental note to take a shower later. “Mr President they are ready for your close up now.”
Mr Trump smiles. They like this. He knows they like this because it always works for him.
He walks to an open chair and there is a man opposite him. He doesn’t look scary. He has glasses on. People with glasses are weak. He knows they are weak because they cannot see properly. He can see properly. He is the best at seeing. Nobody can see better than him.
Just as he sits, an aide walks over and whispers to him, “Mr President, here are the pictures we drew earlier.” Mr Trump smiles.
The aide is a man so he knows that this won’t work too well on him. So, he looks at the pictures. He is about to shout at the man because he preferred the one he drew with the cow attacking Joe Biden in his best purple shiny crayon and not the boring one he now holds with lines and words on it but he stops.
“Mr President,” continues the aide. “Sir, if we could make sure this is not a car crash like the last one?”
Mr Trump looks at him and makes a mental note to sack him. Who does he think he is? Teddy Kennedy?
He laughs at his own joke even though he has not said it out loud and everyone in the room realizes that this is likely to be a train wreck rather than just a little car crash…
The interview begins.
Mr Trump settles down and then leans forward. He likes to lean forward. Normally he likes to grab men by the hand and pull them towards himself so they know he is strong. This guy doesn’t offer his hand. Mr Trump now knows he is weak because of his glasses and scared because of him not wanting to arm wrestle. Everyone else in the room feels the terror…
The interview lasts about 37 minutes…
Afterwards Mr Trump is in the not so Oval Office, in the not So White House and listening to them droning on about it…
He just wants his crayons…
“Mr President?” says that aide who whispered in his ear, “Can we just review a few of the things you said in the interview so we can get a press statement out clarifying matters?”
Mr Trump nods. He knows he needs to get through this and then get his blue and yellow pills before his jammies and supper so he better just give in otherwise his target of 300 golf rounds in 4 years will not happen.
At that point he wanders to thinking about another 4 years and whether he should make the target of 500 rounds of golf. He makes a mental note to think about that later and talk to himself about it.
He looks up and realizes they are all looking at him again. They do this too often he thinks and realizes he may have to sack a few people soon. He nods and the man starts to talk.
“Mr President, you said, ‘I did more for the black community than anybody with a possible exception of Abraham Lincoln.’”
They are all looking at him now. He looks straight at them and suggests, “Find something that Lincoln did and praise him for it in your press release in case he gets upset and calls me up. I don’t like when that happens.”
“But Mr President…” the same aide is about to point out the obvious when one of the other aides kicks him in the ankles which is the pre arranged sign for leave it and we shall sort it…
The aide takes a step to one side to try and avoid this happening again. It fails.
Mr Trump goes back to daydreaming.
“Mr President, you said, the pandemic is under control and then about American people. They are dying. That’s true. It is what it is
Trump looks up and says, “OK, I got that under control.” He laughs at his own joke…
“But Mr President…” the same aide is about to point out the obvious when one of the other aides kicks him in the ankles which is the pre arranged sign for leave it and we shall sort it…
The aide takes a step to one side to try and avoid this happening again. It fails.
“Mr President, you said, the United States is lowest in numerous categories. We’re lower than the world. Lower than Europe with death as a proportion of cases. And then when the reporter challenged you, you told him, you can’t do that.”
Mr Trump looks him straight in the eye, “I know. A bit rude. Call him up and tell him he can do that now. I give him permission.”
“But Mr President…” the same aide is about to point out the obvious when the ankle thing happens again…
The aide takes a step to one side to try and avoid this happening again. It fails.
“Mr President, you said, I never met John Lewis, actually. He didn’t come to my inauguration. He didn’t come to my State of the Union speeches, and that’s OK. That’s his right.”
Mr Trump is getting tired of it all and says, “Then send the man an invite. I am happy for him to come the next time.”
“But Mr President…” The aide takes a step to one side to try and avoid being hit in the ankle. It fails once more.
“Mr President, you said, Yeah, I wish her well. I’d wish you well. I wish a lot of people well. About a woman being held on suspicion of child prostitution and trafficking!”
Mr Trump has this one, “OK, OK. I see this and where you are going with this.”
He stands up and starts to walk round the office. He has noted that people do this when they are pretending to think. He thinks they do this when they are pretending to think. He pretends to think all the time. He also likes to play the game where he stops and they think he is going to say something and then he shakes his head and walks on making them listen for longer. He is a little tired to play the full game today so he only does it twelve times so he gets them to make funny noises every time he stops. He likes when they make funny noises.
He eventually stops and turns to the aide looking at him decisively. “Right.” He points at the aide. “You go and tell her to go to hell. And do it personally. Take the media if you wish.”
Mr Trump loves that idea and continues, “In fact, I shall come with you and we shall do it both together.”
“But Mr President…” The aide takes another step to one side to try and avoid being hit as his ankle is really sore now and this time the other aide misses.
“Mr President, you also said a whole bunch of stuff.”
Mr Trump loves bunches of stuff. This means they want to say lots of things at once. He knows how to deal with this – just say something then move on.
“Mr President, you said, about Mr Epstein he died in jail and people are still trying to figure out how did it happen, was it suicide, was he killed? and then about the election, It could be decided many months later. Especially when you have tight margins, lots of things can happen.
There’s never been anything like this. Now, of course, right now we have to live with it, but we’re challenging it. and that reports that Russia had been offering bounties to the Taliban for attacks on US forces in Afghanistan were “fake news” and about Russia supplying weapons to the Taliban, I have heard that, but it has never reached my desk.”
Mr Trump gets the idea in his head. “Is this it reaching my desk now? OK leave it on my desk and I shall sort it.” Everyone in the room looks confused – “Go on and leave it and you know what if you don’t have it go and get it and get it to me? Is that not your job?”
“But Mr President…” the same aide is about to point out the obvious when one of the other aides, who has not kicked him before goes to kick him in the ankles.
The aide turns before that happens.
“Stop kicking me in the fucking ankles, this is fucking serious.”
The room falls silent.
Mr Trump speaks in the silence. “You are fired. I cannot have that language in this house. If you speak like that I have less words to use, so get out.”
Nobody moves.
“ALL OF YOU!”
Everyone scatters.
In the empty room, Mr Trump gets back to running the country and everyone gets back to being terrified.
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that Mr Trump has ever drawn a picture of Joe Biden, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actually happened, though many of the quotes are unfortunately not made up.
The fact is that during the week Donald Trump was interviewed by Axios and managed to take a car crash from FOX news and turn it into a train wreck.
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