Domestic Violence is a Societal Issue Not Just a Woman’s Issue!

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By Frank J. Kuhel, JR.

Many believe that domestic violence is a woman’s issue but I’m here to let you know that it affects men too. Fully 1/3 of domestic violence survivors are men that were physically, mentally or sexually abused by their wives or girlfriends. I know because I’m a survivor of domestic violence. My ex-wife has serious mental health issues of borderline personality disorder and Bi-polar major depressive. Because of this she is has a tendency towards violence. She has attacked me with screwdrivers, knives and a heavy brass lamp made from a fire hose nozzle. When I defended myself she would then call the police and I would be the one arrested and taken to jail.

She attacked me with a Phillips-head screwdriver when I was trying to repair a toy keyboard that she wanted to give to her oldest daughter and I grabbed her by the wrist, took the screwdriver out of her hand and walked away. Shortly after that the police arrived and I was arrested for domestic violence because she had a small bruise on her wrist. The charges were later dropped by the city prosecutor. Another time she tried to snatch my infant son out of my arms by one of his arms. I grabbed her wrist and kicked her in the shin with my bare foot to get her to release him; once she did I turned and walked away. Again she called the police and I was arrested for domestic violence because she had a small bruise on her wrist. The charges were again dropped by the city prosecutor. She also attacked me with the heavy brass lamp and struck me in the back with it when I was seated at the computer trying to avoid any conflict. I called the police and when they arrived I showed them my injury. They accused me of causing the bruise myself and threatened to take both of us to jail and put my infant son up for adoption if I demanded her arrest so I took my son and went to my parent’s home. I later went to the hospital and she had cracked my left scapula. Even with this evidence the city prosecutor refused to file charges because, and I quote, “She is a woman and women do not commit domestic violence.”

In case you think that it just me and my mentally ill ex-wife I have other cases I know of personally. My friend Paul got into an argument with his then girlfriend Dee at her apartment and she attacked him with her acrylic fingernails. He grabbed her by the wrists to stop her and threw her on the bed, he put his tee-shirt on and left. She called the police and accused him of assaulting her. The police came and arrested him on her say so and because she had bruises on her wrists. He was already in handcuffs when the officers noticed his blood seeping through his shirt and asked him if he was injured. He took off his tee-shirt and he had lacerations and puncture wounds over his chest, upper arms and back. They un-cuffed him and he went to the hospital where he had to have 107 stitches all over his torso to close all the wounds. She was charged and got probation and she had to pay for his medical bills but the police didn’t arrest her that evening because they said that she wasn’t a danger to anyone.

Another case I am aware of is when I was in court as a witness in a traffic accident and the case I was a witness in was settled by a plea deal. I had taken the day off for court and so I stayed to watch the other cases. There was a case of young woman that had kicked in her ex-boyfriend’s front door and severely beat him with a 2×4 because he wouldn’t let her see their infant child. He had a PFA from previous assaults she had committed against him and their child. The city attorney pled the case down to a simple assault charge with a $50 fine and time served. It was her 12th domestic violence charge for assaulting him.

It’s not just the police and the judicial system that makes it nearly impossible for men that are abused either. The local battered women’s shelter also has a hand in the problem. They gave my ex-wife hand written instructions on what to say to the police to get me arrested whether or not the allegations were true. I found them in my papers when we separated and took them to the executive board of the battered woman’s shelter because I had been a fund raiser for them in college. Shortly after that there were major changes and several of the “counselors” were let go for teaching women to lie to get the men arrested. There is nowhere for battered men to go in my area so if they don’t have family or friends to go to the battered women’s shelter ships them off to another state to a homeless shelter.

The solution to these problems is education on the issue for everyone involved in the issue; the police, the judicial system, battered shelters and the general public to dispel the myths about domestic violence against men. I also believe that domestic violence cases that result in severe physical injury should be handled by the district courts not the city prosecutor especially in small towns where the City prosecutor and the Municipal judge are only part-time positions and the remainder of the time they are private practice attorneys. It has gotten better in my home town because we had a female chief of police for several years and she changed the culture at the police department and the battered shelter cleaned out the radicals from their staff. They now do battered persons counseling for both men and women. You have a choice between unisex and co-ed counseling sessions.

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