Mr Trump Fakes a Citizenship Test
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By Donald “Braveheart” Stewart
Nurse Ratchet is outside the not so Oval Office with a shot of bleach and the pills he likes in green, waiting for Mr Trump to call her in.
Picture the scene…
Inside the office we have Mr Trump with an aide quarrelling.
“She was born in America.” Mr Trump shouts loudly. He likes to shout. Nobody shouts like him. He is the best shouter ever. He knows he is because people make funny faces when he shouts unexpectedly. He thinks he might use it one day when he is up against this Joe person who is trying to steal all his toys.
His aide takes a very deep breath and says again, “Mr President, your mother was not born in America.”
Mr Trump looks wearily at his aide. This guy is just so stupid.
“That is fake news,” Mr Trump says. “My mother,” he continues. “Was born on one of the islands, like Hawaii and is therefore as American as you or I.”
“I am Puerto Rican, Mr President.”
“American.” He responds.
“Your other aide de camp is Mexican.”
Mr Trump recognizes the name but wrinkles his head. “Mexicans are not good. we need to get rid of them.”
The aide realizes his mistake, knows that arguing is futile and so tries a different tack…
“Mr President would you like to take a birthing test?”
Mr Trump has no idea what he is talking about but knows that births have nothing to do with him as for the process before hand he knows he is good at that. In fact, he is the best at that. He knows this because there was a time when he was always practicing that with people. Well people with bumps in their cardigans… He starts to wonder why he has not been doing it so much lately…
“No. I don’t want to do that. I mean maybe you should do that. Is that something you could look at it? I don’t know. I think it is something we should look at and once we have looked at it then maybe we shall know but for now I don’t know if it is something that we should be looking at? Should we be looking at it?”
Realizing that Mr Trump had now forgotten about the Mexican aide, this aide went straight in with, “Mr President you have suggested that someone is not American, can you remember who that is?”
Mr Trump knows that. “The President before me.” He proudly declares.
“And who else?” The aide is trying to get Mr Trump to remember what he said this morning and knows sometimes that is not possible. “You remember the nice lady on the TV with the older gent?”
“Oh, I liked that video especially when he…”
“Not THAT video!” says the aide a little too loud. Outside the nurse wonders if it is time to go in and see to her tedious job of administering the medicine. She decides to stay outside because this is not the favorite part of her day and delaying it as long as possible is always best, she thinks.
Inside the Not So Oval Office, Mr Trump argues, “But I had heard that Mrs Kamala Harris doesn’t qualify to run as Vice President. I just heard it today that she doesn’t meet the requirements and by the way the lawyer that wrote that piece is a very highly qualified, very talented lawyer.”
In his usual fog of half known facts Mr Trump continues, “”I have no idea if that’s right. I would have assumed the Democrats would have checked that out before she gets chosen to run for vice-president. But that’s a very serious, you’re saying that, they’re saying that she doesn’t qualify because she wasn’t born in this country.”
“She was born in this country Mr President.”
“With her parents on a student visa maybe?”
The aide realises that there may be only one way to bring this conversation to a conclusion that would preserve his own sanity. “Mr President, it may be time now for your MEDICATION!”
The last word startles the nurse outside who has been daydreaming of a day when she no longer works at the Not So White House alongside the man who chases her round the table looking to pinch her and believes he is the best at chasing because nobody knows how to chase as well as he does.
She takes a deep breath, and walks straight in, adjusting her nurse’s uniform as she does because Mr Trump is looking at her in a way that she recognizes and that is not a look she likes…
Mr Trump licks his lips and stands as he knows he shall need to get ready to run. He turns to his aide and nods to the door to get him out. He lets him go with the words, “And remember my mother Mary, was born an American because her heart was American in the American colony of the Outer Hebrides that Scotland are looking after us for just now. Once we have taken back Greenland we shall sort out Scotland in the second term.”
“Yes Mr president,” says the aide as he reverses out the Not So Oval Office and takes his leave of the Not So White House knowing that in ten minutes Mr Trump shall be fast asleep.
The nurse hands the pill to Mr Trump who takes it and swallows with a twinkle in his eye. She then shows him the syringe and says, “Time for bleach!”
He bends over and allows her to insert the needle in his behind. Taking the syringe out she turns and trots to the end of his desk., he straightens up and starts to run after her but falls down completely asleep after two paces.
At that point The First Lady enters, takes the syringe, washes it out and thanks the nurse for yet another night she will have without being disturbed.
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that Mr Trump has ever made plans to take the Outer Hebrides in a second term, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actually happened, though many of the quotes are unfortunately not made up.
The fact is that during the week Donald Trump has once again spoken of a democratic candidate not being American with some of the words quoted above in his usual half suggested and not truly believable manner that can fool some of the people all of the time… We hope the rest can banish foolishness and banish a fool.
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