Hey Trumpets…Your Orange God Donald John Trump is Not Just a Moron but He’s Insane Too!

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By Donald “Braveheart” Stewart

Mr. Trump sits alone in the Not So White House and is scowling.

Picture the scene…

Mr. Trump has just come of the phone to someone he thought as his friend. He aint. Agent Orange is standing still in a corner and across from him is sitting one of the aide de camps that Mr. Trump has decided to call, The Big Problem. This is because The Big Problem keeps saying no.

Mr. Trump has slammed down the receiver and is now scowling. He likes to scowl. He is the best at scowling. Nobody scowls better than he does, In fact nobody has scowled as much as he does and he is the best ever at scowling so he is now scowling hard.
“Mr. President,” begins The Big Problem. “We need to discuss strategy.”

Mr. Trump now scowls directly at The Big Problem.

“Are we winning yet?” he asks.

The Big Problem sighs inwardly. He knows that if he were to sigh outwardly, Mr. Trump would have a tantrum.

“I think so, Mr. President.”

Mr. Trump looks again at The Big Problem because this is the first time, he has heard him say something positive since he started working with him, earlier this morning.

The Big Problem does not think that Mr. Trump is winning but knows that discretion is often the best way of dealing with Mr. Trump so just humors him.

“Sir, Mr. President, we need to work out what to do with China.”

Mr. Trump thinks he has a solution. Mr. Trump often thinks. Mr. Trump never gets a solution this way. He often finds many problems when he thinks.

“Can’t we bomb it?” Agent Orange looks up, thinking this might be the time to put into effect his Ninja moves and take the big orange guy down. There is excitement in the air.

“No, sir.” The Big Problem responds. Agent Orange tries to look less disappointed than he feels.

Mr. Trump scowls again as The Big Problem is again saying, no.

“Can we start a war then?” Agent Orange leaps up, knocks over a plant on a table, rolls forward, catches it and places it back on the table whilst managing to do some form of complex ninja move that sees him back upright before anyone in the room notices: this could be it!

“No, Mr. Trump,” replies The Big Problem. Agent Orange goes back to his original position, now looking very disappointed and he isn’t even bothered to hide it.

Mr. Trump is scowling harder now as The Big Problem has said no once again.

Mr. Trump decides to get angry. “They gave us the Kung Flu!”

Mr. Trump smiles at his description. He has just delivered an address to the world telling them this and was expecting people to phone him up and say how clever he was but no one is calling any more. He has to call them and that is not fair. He is the genius. He is the best genius in the world and he know more about geniuses than anyone else – why does that floppy hair guy from Englandshire with the Russian name not phone him any more? People with Russian names used to call him all the time and now they have stopped. Are they calling that Joe fella now? Is that what is happening. Se what we mean, he thinks and finds another couple of problems.

But it is too late as Mr. Trump’s mind is going into overtime now as he starts to think harder; this is it. He is now losing his grip on the whole Russian thing. They have switched, he needs to get them back. How can he do this? They don’t like China. He read that somewhere. If he can get them to dislike China more than he dislikes China they can be back on track and help him win the election thing again in November – that’s it – that is what he needs to do, attack China.

Now how will he do that? He needs a way. He has started making life difficult with trade things and now he needs to do something else. Can he give India nuclear weapons so they can attack China instead of him? What about that Dalila fella who he once met, he seemed like a good guy, maybe he can give him weapons and he can go to China and try and blow himself up like with a suicide vest?

The Big Problem and Agent Orange have sat and stood throughout this. They were both warned that at some point Mr. Trump would go off into a trance like state and at the end of it he would make some kind of pronouncement.

They were warned this could take hours. Thoughts that most if us had and dealt with in seconds could take Mr. Trump days to get through. They have sat and stood still now for four hours.

Mr. Trump looks up and catches The Big Problem half asleep and Agent Orange still very alert as he says, “I have it.”

The Big Problem is now fully awake and Agent Orange on a knife edge as Mr. Trump declares, “we declare that all countries should follow my example and put their countries first. I shall promise when I am re-elected, this will be more obvious and we turn our backs on the United Nations as we have the World Health Organisation because China is running them both. Then we can withdraw from NATO and that will make them panic. Then Russia can become friends again and we can go back to normal.”

Mr. Trump has risen out of his seat and is now standing with his back to The Big Problem and Agent Orange. Agent Orange works out that a sniper could be placed where in the lawn to get a clean shot whilst their bullet could do a job that he was sent to prepare for more effectively, more swiftly and with better chances than he had to rid the world of his President. He decides he needs to review his orders again as keeping the United States of America free and safe is a lot trickier than he thought.
The Big Problem, now fully awake looks at the President’s back and says, “no.”

Mr. Trump scowls at the landscape because nobody else is looking at him anymore.

The Big Problem gets up and addresses the president before leaving, “Mr. President, the nurse is due with your medication.” He leaves as a tired and bored nurse enters whilst Agent Orange tries to hide behind a plant pot and not have to witness what happens next.

Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that Mr Trump has ever sat thinking for four hours, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actually happened, though much of the dialogue has been said.

Over the last week, Donald J Trump has addressed the United Nations blaming China for almost everything he can think of whilst making sure that along with the Paris Accord on climate change and any trade deal he is able to back out of he will continue on the oath of withdrawing from the WHO. Agent Orange is obviously fictional and there can be very few military personnel who have not already worked out how to take out a big orange target in a very white house without going into it.

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