I’d Prefer Sticks and Stones!
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By Stacy Koruba
“I am an intelligent person I will control my emotions not let my emotions control me. Every time I am tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego, or dull my senses, I will remember – Even though I overeat in private, my excess poundage is there for all the world to see how FOOLISH I’ve been.”
This mantra is imprinted in my brain, it refuses vacate, like a tenant that won’t pay their rent or move out. I have recited it repeatedly since the age of 10. Different stages of my life brought about different uses for this abusive affirmation; it has been repeated thousands of times.
My Mother taught me the words, and she made sure to teach me the meaning behind them. As a young child she decided that I was too fat and looks mean everything to her. What would the world think of her if one of her children had weight issues? She made me repeat this daily for 18 years, she didn’t have to worry I completely understood how foolish eating was.
Instead of feeding me healthy, nutritious meals and teaching me about proper nutrition she put me on what would become the first “diet” of hundreds throughout my life. I was taught weight loss tips and tricks, like if I did not eat for days, I could lose .50 a pound for weigh in day at TOPS, a weight loss group that she forced me to go too. Those meetings were very damaging to me, there were weekly “winners” and “losers” and everyone cheered for the winner. The meetings were held on Tuesday nights, and then we would go pig out at McDonalds to “reward” ourselves for staying the same or losing.
She put me on rapid weight loss diets, sometimes limited the amount of food I had for days at a time. The other members of my family ate whatever they wanted in front of me, including the weekly Friday night pizza while I sat and watched, consuming my cottage cheese and fruit and being told if I wasn’t such a fat pig I could eat those things too.
She forced me to exercise every day after I got home from school. She would sit on my feet and make me do hundreds of sit ups and then some leg lifting exercises. Mom had no training in health or nutrition so some of the exercises made no sense now that I think about it. She would make me bounce my butt up and down hundreds of times on the floor, the only thing that did was hurt my tailbone. Another time she signed me up to go to some sort of special gym where the only machine they attached to you was one that went around your hips and violently shook the skin back and forth for 30 minute sessions. Exercise was rough for me. My medical needs had always been ignored so I was not taken to a Doctor regarding my toe walking as a child, without treatment this lead to my Achilles tendons being extremely tight, to the point where I have very little range of motion with my feet or ankles. Walking or running has been painful for as long as I can remember.
The one instance that sticks out the most for me is the day I went to church with my friends and then to confession. Afterwards we went to the corner store across the street, I was on a diet but figured she would not know if I “cheated”, so I decided to buy myself a treat. A beautiful cream filled Hostess Cupcake was about to dull my senses and I could barely wait to get outside and wrap my mouth around it. My friends and I were all gathered on the street corner, there were about 10 of us. I got that sinful snack out of the wrapper as quickly as I could, closed my eyes and took my first bite.
The next thing I felt was someone yanking my hair from behind, forcing my head backwards and thrusting my hand and the cupcake into my face. I opened my eyes to see my Mothers raging face in front of me, screaming “you just went to church to confess your sins to God, and now you are out here stuffing your fat ugly face with shit you are not allowed to have! You are a disgusting pig, here, you want a cupcake, let your friends see how little fat pigs eat them” the rest of the cupcake was demolished in my face, up my nostrils and down my throat. All my friends went running off, some of them laughing. She drove off in the car and I walked home covered in chocolate and cream, tears streaming down my face. An 11-year-old all alone thinking “now all the world can see how foolish I’ve been.”
Her issues with my weight became my issues and they turned into huge ones. I suffer from a few eating disorders. It began with binge eating then it moved on to Bulimia. I have developed many obsessive-compulsive behaviors regarding food. I hid my Bulimia from my entire family for over 25 years. I have damaged my metabolism to the point where I have no clue if I can ever repair it. I now have avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. I have zero interest in food, in eating or feeding myself. I never feel hungry or have a taste for anything. I must be reminded to eat. I also have body dysmorphia.
When I was getting married for the first time, she would call me daily to remind me to stay on a diet because she did not want a fat bride for a daughter. What would her friends think? My first husband was as evil as her. He never hid his disgust regarding my weight, I was given orders to never wear shorts outside the house because I was an embarrassment. If I would sweat in the summer, I was beat sometimes, being told it was because I was a nasty, fat, ugly, worthless, piece of shit. You’re wondering why I stayed? Because my Mother convinced me all of this was true my entire life.
I have lost 90 pounds and maintained that weight loss for about 8 years. I do not feel any better now than I did then. I know I am healthier and that my Diabetes has been under control for that long. My weight never had a thing to do with who I am as a person.
Many people find it easy to judge, to make comments about overweight people, to say how easy it is to lose weight, to call overweight people lazy. Educate yourselves please. There are so many other reasons that it becomes difficult to lose weight, including medical and mental ones. If you have a child that struggles with weight, please DO NOT EVER make them feel less than. Do not even mention their weight to them. It is your job as a parent to teach them healthy eating habits. Make exercise a fun activity for the entire family. Build them up when their self esteem is low. For the fat shamers, I have already told myself a million times “how foolish I have been” so please go work on your empathy and kindness.
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