“Stacy Speaks” Dream Man, Patronizing Boss, Emotional Vampires, Parental Alienation & Covid Guilt

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Hosted By Stacy Koruba

Dear Stacy,

I’ve met my dream man and can’t wait to start my life with him! Covid has made things difficult because of fear of traveling. He’s a fellow tweep and we developed a connection about 7 month ago. We text often and share pics and have spoken on the phone a few times but his works keeps him very busy so it doesn’t happen as much as I want but I’m chill with the wat things are right now. He is shy so doesn’t want to do video chats. My Mom and friends keep saying to not get my hopes up, that this isn’t real, what ever that means! I’m saving all my money to move to Georgia as soon as he’s ready for me to come. How do I get them to take this seriously?

TTYL,

Lilly, Fort Worth, TX

Hi Lilly,

As a Mom myself I can not really give you advice on how to get your Mom to take you moving out of State to be with a person that can not make enough time for you to talk on the phone serious. I know right now you feel a deep connection to the person you are texting, all new relationships are thrilling in the beginning, and any positive attention feels great. You have probably heard this from your Mom already, and may not like it from me, but you barely know him. Consider a move once you have talked on the phone some, once he is not too shy to even show you his face on camera. If he cannot do that, how will he ever be comfortable to see you face to face, and once he can make more time in his life for you besides enough to send some texts. Friends and Moms may give advice that you do not want to hear but they do it with your best interest in mind. Think about the advice you would give them in the same situation if it were reversed, then proceed accordingly.

Hi Stacy,

My boss talks down to me frequently, yet does it in a way that seems like he is joking. He will point out a perceived flaw then brush it off with a laugh or say it’s ok, just don’t do it again. It has gotten to the point where he is now taking shots at my personality and character flaws. I can bite my tongue when the criticism is work related, but my ego is becoming damaged when I hear him tell me what mess I am constantly. Any advice?

Kim, Tacoma, WA

Kim,

I agree that work related issues should be the only thing you are hearing about from him. Perhaps he feels like the two of you have developed a “friendship” and that it is alright from him to make comments that go beyond the realm of work-related issues, but that is not acceptable.

Please create some healthy boundaries for yourself. Let him know that you are always open to learning appropriate ways to get your job duties done but you are no longer interested in hearing anything about his false judgements about you as a person. You know his personality type, so perhaps doing it in a joking manner like he does may work at first or just be very blunt and up front and let him know that it is not acceptable. I hope it works out for you.

Hi Stacy,

There’s this guy that’s a friend that’s needy and demands a lot of my attention. He knows that I am compassionate and that it’s tough for me to say no, he’s constantly calling me or texting about all his issues in life. It’s cool, usually I don’t mind being there for him at all. Yesterday I was having some problems of my own and I reached out to him for a shoulder, my heart was crushed after I told him all about it and he quickly told me he had other things to do. Am I overreacting?

Kelsey, Naperville, IL

Hey Kelsey,

I do not think you are over-reacting at all! We all want and need the same attention that we give to others. When we constantly give in a relationship and do not get back eventually it ends up leaving us feeling like we do not matter or even resentful. If you are always there for him and have always been there for him and this was the first time you reached out I would say his behavior was a sign of what you mean to him, what your “place” is in the relationship for him. If his friendship matters to you, please let him know how it made you feel and see what he has to say. Go with your gut feelings about this, it knows.

Hi Stac,

I’m a 25 yr. old man. My Mom & Dad have been divorced since I was 3. Mom has hated my Dad for as long as I can remember & has always made it obvious. Her feelings made me, and my sister feel bad if we ever showed happiness or excitement about being around him. This continued into adulthood and I’ve never know how to tell her to stop, but I feel it has caused a huge wedge between my relationship with my Dad. He has always tried, I haven’t because of worries of hurting my Mom. I’m thinking about relocating to the State he lives in now and mentioned to her and she told me if I do, she was done with me. I don’t know what to do.

Joe, Sacramento, CA

Hi Joe,
I want to ask you to go and read the first sentence of your letter to me. It says you are a MAN. Please do not allow your Mom’s feelings to get in the way of a relationship with your Dad for one more moment. The issues that ended their marriage are none of your business and you are ALLOWED to love your Dad as much as you love your Mom. Her threatening to be done with you is hurtful and manipulative, you should let her know this and give her the option to remain in your life while you continue loving both parents or walk out of your life that same way he has tried to force you to walk out of your Dad’s all of these years.

Stacy,

I’ve been feeling pretty awful about myself for the past few weeks, my Dad lives in another city and calls once a week to ask me to come visit. The trip would require me to fly back to see him. I’m not even comfortable going to the grocery store, let alone flying to another state. He’s also a trump supporter and doesn’t believe Covid is as bad as it really is. I love him but don’t love the things he supports.

Bill, Omaha, NE

Hello, Bill,

So sorry to hear that you are feeling bad about yourself, please do not. I live 25 miles away from my parents and have seen that about 5 times since March. They do not wear masks the way they should, and I am not willing to risk my health or the health of my family. Science and the death rate and infection rate tells us Covid really is bad. Your Father has a right to his opinion as much as you do, so he should understand when you tell him that you love him and you are not willing to risk your life to travel right now.

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