Donald Trump In Parody…. But Is It Really?
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By Donald “Braveheart” Stewart
Increasingly left to his own thoughts, Mr. Trump cuts a forlorn figure, but tonight he is stuck in mixed emotions…
Picture the scene…
Increasingly in the Not So White House, staff are beginning to look forward to 2021. They are starting to avoid Mr. President, Mr. Trump because they think they need to have head space for the new guy.
So, Mr. Trump is left mostly alone.
Alone, of course, apart from Agent Orange and the Orange Aid who have drawn the short straws in their assignments. They are with Mr. Trump most all the time.
Therapy has been promised.
Mr. Trump is sitting after his joust with Mr. Joe. He hears them call him Gentleman Joe in the corridors. Some of the staff were here when he was the Vice President and in hushed tones, out of the earshot of anyone who supports Mr. Trump they talk of how it will be good to have a gentleman back in the Oval Office.
Mr. Trump doesn’t hear them say things like that and even if he did, he wouldn’t hear them, anyway. Mr. Trump is good at not hearing things. In fact, in the whole world he is definitely the best and not hearing things.
Today he has been hearing things from that Biden guy and he was mad. He was so mad. Let him tell you how mad he was, and you will lose part of your life you shall never get back again.
Agent Orange and Orange Aid are sitting either side of Mr. Trump watching the TV screen. On it is the last debate between him and Mr. Biden.
Mr. Trump speaks first. He usually does. Both Agent Orange and the Orange Aid like the silence.
“Wait until you see this bit. He cannot answer this bit at all.”
At that Mr. Trump turns down the volume when Joe Biden is due to speak and he laughs out loud. “See, I can turn down the volume too!”
He laughs so hard because he believes that every television in the United States gets turned down when he turns them down. Someone once told him that in the early days and now nobody can tell him otherwise.
“Mr. President,” starts the Orange Aid. “Could we perhaps talk about the debate and some of things we might have said that might not be totally … erm … true?”
Mr. Trump turns to look at him.
Something is not right. This guy does not look like the guy from yesterday and he certainly does not sound the same.
This guy is very effeminate and may well be gay.
Yesterday’s man didn’t seem gay, but you can’t be certain these days and Mr. Trump thinks, I have no issue with gays, in fact I am the least gay in this room, in the world. He looks at Agent Orange and thinks, I could take him.
Agent Orange is, in the meantime, working out how he could return the favor.
Mr. Trump asks, “How?”
The Orange Aid, says, “You said, Mr. President, that the virus was going away and that was a teeny weeny….”
Mr. Trump looks surprised, because he does not like anything that is teeny or weeny.
He raises his voice and sounds very childlike, “It is. We are a a massive country with a massive economy. People are losing their jobs, they’re committing suicide. There’s depression, alcohol, drugs at a level nobody’s ever seen before.”
The Orange Aid looks sympathetically at Mr. Trump and in a high camp voice says, “That’s not just because of the virus though, is it Mr. President?”
Mr. Trump stares for a moment and then responds, “Listen, the message is that the virus is going away and that a vaccine will be ready by the end of the year. And that’s the message.”
The Orange Aid looks as he might towards a child as he says,” Mr. President, sir, we don’t really have a vaccine ready, do we?”
Mr. Trump again looks shocked as he says, “We’re learning to live with it. That’s the message. That is what we need to tell people and people need to listen to us. That’s the message we are telling the people and people are listening. I know they are!”
The Orange Aid looks sympathetically and again says something that was meant to soothe, “Mr. President we are really just dying with it, aren’t we? I mean that’s not a criticism of you, but we are really are we not? And as for the racism thing…”
Mr. Trump looks at him once again as if he is stupid. He thinks, he is stupid, but I am the most stupid in the room. Nobody is as stupid as me in the whole world. I am the best at stupid. And then he proves it.
Mr. Trump replies, “I am the least racist person in this room. Nobody has done more for black people in this country as President since Abraham Lincoln, than me.”
The Orange Aid has heard this before.
The Orange Aid has rolled his eyes at this before.
The Orange Aid realises he can’t deal with stupid.
He stands up, brushes down his suit and walks towards the door. As he gets there he turns round and says, “Mr. President, I think it is time for …”
Just at that the door swings open.
A shadowy figure is lurking in the corridor and waiting for everyone to leave.
The Orange Aid is startled for a second as he did not expect anyone to be there. This shadowy figure looks like he is the guy who can take things down in this house, so the Orange Aid smiles at him before thanking him very much for opening the door to him.
As the Orange Aid walks down the corridor, he muses over the response he got from the shadowy figure. Was that a hint of a New York accent? Was that fedora on at a jaunty angle? Did he hear right when the guy said, “Fuggedaboutit?” No matter, this Orange Aid was on his way to hand in his resignation. It was now the turn of the next level of uncivil servant to serve the big orange in the Not So White House.
This Orange Aid was now out of pips after just one day – just like all the rest.
Back in the Not So Oval Office, Mr. Trump sits looking nervously at Agent Orange. He feels a presence outside is closing in and he does not like it. And he is the best at not liking things. In fact, there is nobody better than him at not liking things.
For once, everyone in the Not So White House has one agenda and making sure that, that feeling does not leave the Not So Oval Office. And there aint nobody about to fuggedaboutit yet…
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that Mr. Trump has ever believed that when he turns down the volume on his television that the same thing happens in every television in the United States of America, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actually happened, though some of Mr Trump’s words have been used.
Over the last week, Donald J Trump has been in a televised debate where some of the words above were used and he claimed that the virus is going away, he is the least racist and the biggest person of colour president since the emancipation of slavery and that a vaccine is nearly here. It is difficult to work out which of these outpourings are the least offensive. On the 3rd of November American voters will get to decide.
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