Doctor Curmudgeon® Oh No! Not Again!
[AdSense-A]
By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist
A quiet Sunday morning breakfast in the Curmudgeon home. Sipping of coffee. Crunching of toast. The rustle of newspapers. Occasional grunts, smiles and smirks.
Doctor Curmudgeon inhaled her last bit of coffee, popped another blueberry into her mouth, followed up with a gulp of Almond Milk and loudly pushed her chair away from the table.
The rest of the family ignored her imminent departure. As she approached the stairs to go down to her computer, she declaimed, “The time has come for another question and answer column.”
It had been many months since Doctor Curmudgeon had subjected her patients, family and friends to her column in which she answered questions that had been submitted to her.
Her statement was heard by all at the breakfast table. Due to past experience, a unanimous silent decision was made to avoid her. Her previous advice columns had not been couched in the most diplomatic terms, leaving Sir Galahad (The Wise Siberian Husky who cared for the entire family) to fend off disconcerted readers with more conciliatory follow up communications.
With a deep sigh, he removed his reading glasses, carefully folded the section of the newspaper that he had been reading and descended the stairs to Doctor Curmudgeon and her computer. Galahad felt it was best to read her column as she was writing, so that he could have his comments already in mind, as calls, emails, texts, notes slipped under the door and other missives appeared that made it necessary for him to respond.
————————————————————
Doctor Curmudgeon preferred to write her column as she spoke to readers over the phone. In that way, she could disseminate information more widely.
And so she wrote as the back and forth occurred in real time:
PHONE PERSON: Oh, Doctor Curmudgeon, you always spend a lot of time with me. But I really need help here.”
CURMUDGEON: “OK, what’s your problem?”
PHONE PERSON: “My husband always leaves the toilet seat up.”
There was silence for several seconds.
DOCTOR CURMUDGEON finally responded: “So? Just put the lid down. Not hard to do”
PHONE PERSON: “But it annoys me”
CURMUDGEON: “If it bothers you, just tell him “
PHONE PERSON: “But he forgets.”
CURMUDGEON: “So, put up a sign in the bathroom. Case answered and closed”
After replacing the receiver, Doctor Curmudgeon uttered unseemly words to herself. Galahad placed a single square of chocolate in front of her.
After calming down a tad, she dialed another questioner’s number.
CURUDGEON: “You have a question? Need some advice?”
ANOTHER PHONE PERSON: “Yes, my girlfriend and I fight a lot about toilet paper and paper towels.”
CURMUDGEON: “So, use cloth towels…better for the environment anyway. I don’t recommend using cloth for toilet paper, however.”
ANOTHER PHONE PERSON: “You don’t understand. We argue about which way the roll should go on the roller.”
Once more, several seconds elapsed before the physician could answer. Galahad held his breath, as he reached over to close her computer.
Before slamming down the phone (Doctor Curmudgeon used her land line because she enjoyed the feeling of slamming and she had not been able to do that with her mobile), she responded.
“Get a Life!”
Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.
SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”
[si-contact-form form=’2′]