Trump’s Lawyers Yell For “Lawn and Order” at Make America Rake Again Rally

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By Nikki Slusher

Stars shine brightest right before they die, and it seems that Donald Trump’s flame is about to combust right in time for the end of his presidency.

It started with a tweet; it ended in a parking lot next to a dildo shop across from a crematorium in Intercourse, PA. I’m not talking about the Stormy Daniels debacle; I am talking about the Trump administration’s “steal the election” campaign efforts.

After the announcement that President-elect Joe Biden won the election last week, Trump immediately reassigned his personal attorney Rudy Giuliani to his Lawn and Order: Special Mowing Unit to begin running over the authenticity of the election results. While we have expected this response from the President and his inner circle, we did not expect the location his campaign selected for what will go down as the most hysterical booking error for a press conference in history.

Rather than making the reservation at the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia, we were gifted with an unhinged Giuliani going off in the parking lot of a sketchy strip mall. To be fair, there was a Four Seasons in the area; except it wasn’t the infamous hotel but instead it was the Four Seasons Total Landscaping company. Sometimes the ‘Great Value’ version of things just isn’t the same — like the Four Seasons.

How did we exactly get to this point? Just like we got to every other aspect of this presidency – Trump and his tweeting addiction.

November 7, 2020, began like every other day for Donald Trump. A tweet from the president of the United States announced that his lawyers would be holding a press conference at the Four Seasons Philadelphia at 11 a.m. Yet within minutes the tweet was removed and replaced with a new one, this time clarifying that he meant Four Seasons Total Landscaping not the Four Seasons Hotel.

Also ensuring that the public was aware it was not going to be at the hotel, the management of the Four Seasons Philadelphia tweeted, “To clarify, President Trump’s news conference will NOT be held at Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia.” They followed up with, “It will be held at Four Seasons Total Landscaping — no relation with the hotel.”

The following events led to the laughter heard across the world: Rudy Giuliani holding a rally in the parking lot of a landscaping company between a fire hose, next to an adult bookstore, across the street from a crematorium. Giuliani, acting as if this was always the correct location, shouted allegations over dead people voting and major election fraud which stole the presidency from Trump. None of these accusations have been confirmed nor have any factual support. Sounds familiar, eh?

Even more ironically, during the press conference Giuliani called on a handful of purported witnesses to talk about the alleged voter fraud they supposedly saw in Philadelphia. According to Politico, one of the self-described GOP poll watchers turns out to be a convicted sex offender.

Daryl Brooks, a New Jersey Trump supporter, “was incarcerated in the 1990s on charges of sexual assault, lewdness, and endangering the welfare of a minor for exposing himself to two girls ages 7 and 11,” the outlet reports. However, Brooks has denied these charges – which he has already been tried and convicted for – stating that his arrest was a “police setup.” Additionally, Brooks told reporters that he didn’t know whether or not Giuliani was aware of his conviction prior to the press conference. Furthermore, Politico highlighted that “Trenton political insiders watched with bemusement as Brooks took the podium.”

Abraham Lincoln must be so proud of his party’s current leader. Afterall, they really put the “Four (Seasons Total Landscaping) Score and seven years ago” into our nation’s history. Personally, I cannot think of a better metaphor to describe the Trump-era; nor can I think of a better finale for the show that went on three seasons too long. No matter how many times Donald Trump tweets “I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!” the outcome is still the same — Joe Biden is the winner and will become the 46th President of the United States.

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