Donald Trump… Just Go Away!
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By Donald “Braveheart” Stewart
There is a hair product on the desk in the not so Oval Office and Mr. Trump is struggling to open it.
Picture the scene…
Mr. Trump is straining at a can on the table.
Mr. Giuliani is sitting opposite him with a pained expression on his face.
“Mr. President, are you going to do something with that?” It is the latest Orange Aid who, unlike many before her, has lasted longer than 24 hours in the Not So White House who asks the question. Some people suspect she may be a Russian plant or quite simply a robot without feelings as the only explanation as to why after four long years they have someone who can actually last longer than the day it usually takes for normal people to run away screaming in terror…
Fact is though that most of the staff are beyond caring now and even Mr. Trump’s family have given up.
Mr. Trump looks up and squints at her. For the first time in four years there seems to be the same people in the Not So White House.
He is feeling the need to sack somebody.
As Mr. Giuliani is sitting, Orange Aid is standing, Agent Orange is hiding in a strategically placed pot plant. He has been with Mr. Trump for the least three days. He too is rumored to be someone other than what he says he is. But people suspect he may be Chinese as there something faintly oriental about him. There is in fact nothing oriental about him as his family come from Delaware and have never been out the town apart from when he was passing out into the military but he likes to make people think there is something suspicious about him. It keeps them on their toes.
Mr. Trump opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Mr. Giuliani.
“It’s a cheap product Mr. President. You would be much better trying the stuff I get.”
Mr. Trump points out the obvious. It surprises most people, basically because it is accurate. Nobody expects him to notice the obvious or to be truthful any more.
“We have different color hair.”
It does not stop Mr Giuliani, but then again most things don’t because he does not stop for anything, not even the obvious truth.
“Not exactly the same as mine but something similar would do you. I mean we need to maintain an air of professionalism.”
The pot plant stifles a laugh.
Orange Aid kicks it.
Mr. Trump looks at Mr. Giuliani and asks, “Where are we with things? You know I mean the election, right?”
Mr. Giuliani begins to sweat.
“Ah yes, the election.”
Mr. Trump looks a little bemused by the sweating. “You OK?”
“I am Mr. President, we are moving forward on Nevada, Pennsylvania and Michigan.”
“Is that enough?”
Orange Aid is about to speak up to point out that, no, it aint enough when the pot plant kicks her back.
“Well, Mr. President, there are factors with which we ought to wrestle and which, given the way we spin the issues and hold onto the idea that we are chasing fairness suggest that maybe this is more than enough.”
“To win?”
“To at least cause people to wonder if that is the verdict, they all want.”
“Which is?”
“Hard to say at this point though I am happy to confirm that we are in a better position than we have been with due regards to the whole mess that they have created.”
Mr. Trump hates “they”. They are almost as bad as “them”. Historically they and them have always been a problem for HIM. HE needs rid of they and them so he can rule the waves and be at home in this Big White House so he can do the conversion. He wanted a new wing to the left of the house and people have said he cannot have it. In fact, one of the people most against it said that if he won another election maybe then he could get the extension. He would put in Trump Ten Pin Bowling and charge people to come in and play it. It would revolutionize how people saw him, saw the Not So White House and the Presidency, he claimed.
Nobody disagreed with that and he had asked lots of people.
“what about Georgia?”
“What about it, Mr. President, is it on your mind?”
“Not always, but we will win there, right?”
Mr. Giuliani sweats some more. Mr. Trump sees something leaking…
“Are you leaking?” he asks.
“I don’t think so Mr. President, but maybe your product would be something I could use?”
The diversion worked.
Instead of talking about the impossible, Mr. Trump starts to talk about the implausible: his hair.
“You can’t have any of it. I need it for me. It’s the only way that I keep my youthful good looks.”
In the Not So Oval Office, the pot plant laughs out loud. Everyone ignores it. Over the last four years, there has been a lot of strange things happen and this is no different from what has happened before.
Mr. Trump looks again at Mr. Giuliani. There is definitely something falling down the side of his head. It looks like ink. Maybe, he thinks, it is the lizard brain juice he heard about and Mr. Giuliani is a lizard. He knows that Mr. Giuliani has often been called a reptile by people who have worked with him so maybe they were telling the truth.
“I was told,” says Mr. Trump. “That I look like Nero with this.” He points to the can. “Someone said that I was like a Roman Emperor, though I can’t play the violin.”
“Who said that?” challenged Mr Giuliani.
Mr. Trump thought for a moment then said, “That guy, the doctor in charge of the pandemic thing.”
Agent Orange and Orange Aid sigh inside themselves.
Just at that, the door opens, and a press officer enters. “Mr. President, Mr. Giuliani, the conference is due to start in half an hour and we shall take time to get there.”
Mr. Giuliani stands. About to leave, Mr. Trump gives him his last words of encouragement and advice.
“Can you make sure this time you don’t do the press conference next to shops I visit? That really didn’t go down well at dinner that night.”
“Yes, Mr. President,” replied Mr. Giuliani as he left.
Mr. Trump then opens the tin in front of him and out pops hair. Blond hair. Out of a can. Before he realizes that there are others in the room, he takes off his old hair and pops on his new hair.
What they saw cannot be forgotten as both Agent Orange and Orange Aid make requests for counselling on the White House app and leave quietly, traumatized, never to return…
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that Mr. Trump swaps his hair on front of people, as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actually happened, though some of the words of people who have spoken about the election have been used.
During the week, Donald J Trump’s personal lawyer Mr. Giuliani held a press conference near a sex shop and then at another press conference he started to sweat with what looked like hair dye dribbling down his face. Both are struggling to look in any way dignified.
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