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Depression & Me…

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By Bethany “BST2” Armstrong

One of the absolute buggers of having a traumatic past is that once you are safe, you get the pleasure of random memories of profoundly repressed trauma coming to the surface like the deepest of splinters, bursting through the skin with pain and puss. You learn to move with the dull ache whilst it heals but it is a grim reminder that pain is a necessary part of the human experience.

I’ve been safe – as safe as you can be with a maniac in the White House and racists afoot and a global pandemic – for 19 months. The memories aren’t hurting quite so bad anymore. What’s hurting now is covid trauma, teacher trauma, seasonal depression, and situational depression. I know I’m not alone so I’m going to pass on the advice that has been pulling me out of the dark space.

The first is “Be selfish for 5 minutes every day in a way that harms no one”. Just do something that is 100% for you. Not for work, not for your family, not for your friends… just you. Every single day. Consistency is key.

The next is make a list of the things you like about you. Everything from “I like that I got a nose-ring mainly to spite my mother” to “I like that I love to swim” and “I like that I’m good at role-playing” to “I like that I can make my significant other blush”. Add to the list daily… nothing is too small or too big. If you can only think of one thing, start there. Add something every day. Post it somewhere where you can see it.

Another is to indulge in sensory experiences. Take a cold shower or a hot bubble bath. Snuggle in your favorite blanket. Eat ice cream out of the tub. Light that expensive Yankee Candle you’ve been saving for a special occasion… you are the special occasion.
Find something that makes you laugh or smile. Stand-up, memes, or a classic Adam Sandler film… whatever floats your boat. If you find that you can’t laugh or smile, set a timer for five minutes and hold a fake smile on your face. Your brain doesn’t know the difference. You may look creepy as hell but you’ll feel a bit better afterwards.

Acknowledge your feelings. Find a space that’s safe to feel whatever you need to feel. (I have an affection for bathrooms) Name your emotions. Speak them out. Write them out. But mostly, feel them.

For negative automatic thoughts – the bane of my existence – counter them with logic and truth. Ask yourself if the voice is saying something useful. If it’s not, tell it to stop – literally. Speaking it out loud and repeating it in your head helps. If you’re stuck, find someone who can reassure you that you are not the worst human to ever exist.

Find a mantra. My darling Mama Janet turned me on to Ho’oponopono which is a Hawaiian prayer. “I am sorry. (Please) Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” It reminds me that I have to both love and forgive myself to heal. I’ve also chanted my children’s names and the humming sound I make when my man calls me Beautiful.

Don’t give up until you find your way through. It can be done. Until then, I’ll see y’all on the other side of the dark space.

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