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Take A Drive With Me…

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By Stacy Koruba

A year ago, the thought of driving on the highway would cause a panic attack. If I tried to , I could last about 5 minutes before my heart would begin to race, pounding so loudly that I could hear the agitated rhythmic knocking inside my own ears. Sweat would begin pouring off the palms of my hands, they would get hot, slick and sticky at the same time, like my hands were coated in glue and no matter how may times I frantically wiped them off on my legs they would become drenched immediately. My mouth would get incredibly dry and then my entire body would begin to shake uncontrollably. My stomach would do flips flops, as if I had just voluntarily agreed to ride the most terrifying roller coaster to prove I was not a huge wimp to my older sister.

Instead, I voluntarily got on a dangerous highway, to prove to myself that I am an adult, that has never had an accident and I can drive safely on any road I want to! The highway proved me to be a failure every single time, for years. All the cars around me seemed to be driving 100 miles an hour and some how they were all inside my car with me. I felt out of control, my mind and body were betraying me and at that moment there was not a single thing I would do to change the situation. I was trapped in this hideous situation until the next exit if I could make it that far. I was the person creating this dangerous situation.

I was not always fearful of driving on the highway. When I learned how to drive at the age of 16, I had no issues. I moved from Chicago to Las Vegas in 2000 and drove the entire way. 1800 miles of numerous types of traffic in different States and I did not suffer from a panic attack once. In fact, I enjoyed the long drives, listening to music, talking about everything under the sun with my husband, playing games of “I Spy” and making plans of our future together. Driving became hypnotic and relaxing and the miles passed by quickly, we were there before we knew it. I drove back and forth from these two States several times and many places in between yet the rides from hell never entered my mind for over 20 years. I believe the event that introduced these mini episodes of terror to my mind was a trip to Mexico City, and a drive I will never forget, with my Father in Law.

We had ventured off to visit my husbands Grandma and other extended family that day, they were in Cuernavaca, a town located about 75 minutes away from where we were staying in Mexico City. Jesus, my FIL, was the driver because he lives in Mexico City, knows his way around the city, owns the car and is a control freak. Unbeknownst to us, it became apparent that he had been drinking before we left, and from the way he drove that day I am going to assume it was a lot or he was practicing to audition for a Fast and Furious movie. The harrowing experience began with us ascending into the Mountains via a 2-lane road loaded with tight turns. Jesus the race car driver put the peddle to the medal as quickly as traffic would allow. His 18 yr. old daughter in the front seat beside him, cheering him on the entire time, squealing “ooooo, Papi, faster” while clapping her hands! Our tortuous excursion getting worse with each passing mile. Serpentine roads with no guardrails greeted us as the speed of the car continued to accelerate. Jesus did not seem to hear my husband’s pleas to please slow down or the grunts and moans I could not keep buried inside my gut. The hairpin turns sans guardrails is what caused me to lose complete control of my bladder, as Jesus proudly pumped his chest out while slurring how manly he was.

We ended our trip early and returned home the following day. I never drove comfortably on the highway again after that day. I do not give up easily, so I continued trying to overcome this fear, but the response was now immediate for me. I felt like out of control and overwhelmed regardless of who was driving. I wanted to be in control of driving, but not only in control of my own car, but of every car around me. I wasted years of my life refusing to go places if it involved highway driving, or I would take alternate routes that took 3 hours to get someplace that I could have got to in an hour on the highway. The fear was crippling yet I became resigned to the fact that I would never be capable of long- distance highway driving again.

A year ago I began taking an antidepressant, around that same time I started on a journey to try and better myself and my life. My husband was in Chicago visiting out Grandbabies and I was driving home from a store and realized that if we moved back to Chicago there would be a high probability that we would live far enough away that I would need to drive on a highway to be able to get to the grandkids house quickly. I decided to see if I could make a small drive, only the length of 2 exits and then I would get off. I gave myself a peep talk, envisioned my grandkids faces on the cars in front of me and merged into traffic. No racing heart, no sweaty palms no spinning in my head and fast talking trying to figure out an escape plan. I was apprehension and cautious, but I was doing it! I made it the length of one exit and continued, thinking the panic attack would hit soon, but it did not! I drove about 5 miles away from the house that day and quickly called my husband when I got off to tell him of my new achievement! I was using the thought of being able to visit my grandbabies sooner as motivation to do something that was very scary, and my antidepressant was doing its job and working as an anxiety medication as well. Over the course of the last year I have taken the highway sometimes and decided to use side streets if I was feeling uncomfortable. I have driven on unfamiliar highways in other States without issue. As time passes by uncomfortable locations on familiar highways that used trigger me have now become almost natural to drive.

As I was traveling down a familiar 6 lane highway 2 days ago, I completely felt at peace. I looked up and out at all of the different cars around me, usually I try to just pay attention to what I am doing and those closest to me, but this day I allowed myself to expand my view. I took in the larger picture; I could see the mountains surrounding me on all sides for miles ahead. Hundreds of cars passing on the other side, headed in a different direction all together. I noticed the vehicles going in my direction next, I mean really noticed them, not just knowing that they were there. I took a moment to look around without fear, to see that there were different types of vehicles, all sorts of shapes and sizes. Moving at different speeds at the same time, on the same road, on the very same day. I felt peace. That was it, just this huge sense of peace and belonging. I did not feel trapped any longer, I knew that the majority of the people that surrounded me all had the same goals in mind, to get to where they were going in the safest way possible. I no longer felt the need to control their car, their driving habits or anything else. That old hypnotic feeling of my body almost just “knowing” what to do came over me, and I loved it.

I realized at that moment that a large portion of my life had been comparable to how I had been feeling while driving on the highway during those 12 years of panic attacks. I was not only feeling trapped on the highway and I did not only have to be in control of everyone is driving. During that 12-year period life situations happened in ways so that I become the person that had to take charge of various aspects of other family members lives. I was responsible for my sisters health care, living arrangements, finances and other things, I had become responsible for helping to care for my ailing Mom that was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and was taking care of many of parents other responsibilities and I was also trying to help another family member with many issues that I had no experience or idea how to help. Not knowing how to create boundaries for myself made it impossible for me to say no to anything so I wore myself very thin and oftentimes ended up emotionally feeling the same way, overwhelmed, trapped, panicked, frantic and unsure. I have learned how to create healthy boundaries now and understand the importance of taking care of myself first before I can care for anyone else.

I am thankful that I can find tranquility while driving down a busy highway now, knowing that everyone is on their own journey to their own place and can get there all on their own without my control and involvement. I am only in charge of my own car, my own driving and my own journey.

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