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By Stacy Koruba

There is a wealth of information available on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress disorder right at our fingertips with access to the internet. Doing a search for “where can I find information about PTSD” brings up suggestions for online tests you can take, Doctors you can see, PTSD symptoms and causes, how you can get diagnosed, treatment options and much more. Thirty years ago, I had not even heard of PTSD and I am not sure how much information I would have been able to locate at my neighborhood library, so I am grateful to have this fantastic tool to help gather so much knowledge.

Today I learned that PTSD and C-PTSD cause brain damage or affects the functions of the brain in multiple ways. The three areas of the brain that are impacted the most are the amygdala, hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. You would think that I would have known this information much sooner since I have had both PTSD and C-PTSD for most of my life, but these are things that even our health care providers do not take the time to explain. I imagine that if I had no clue many without it know far less about it. I am not a medical expert and am not going to pretend to be one if you would like to learn more please take the time to research all you can with the resources available to you.

What I found interesting was the lack of information available from the people that suffer from these disorders. Locating articles about symptoms was easy, things that explain what you may expect from people that have the disorder and even some beautifully written articles from loved ones that have dealt with those suffering. Not much at all about what it is like to live with it, what we feel, how we live, what we think, the things we wish you knew. Today I would like to share some of my thoughts about my experiences with you. I believe many people fail to ask me questions because they want to remain gentle or believe that bringing up “PTSD” is a trigger. As if the word itself is the elephant in the room and if we avoid it, we can pretend that all is fine in the world. Doing this makes it awkward for me. I can not speak for everyone but in my situation, I would prefer for people to ask questions, and I do not care if the questions are personal or even if the questions come from people that do not know me that well.

PTSD is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, or rape or who have been threatened with death, sexual violence or serious injury. Complex PTSD comes in response to chronic trauma that has happened over months or years such as physical, sexual, mental, and domestic abuse, living in a war zone, being held captive, human trafficking, and more. I suffer from both forms due to long term abuse at a young age, long term abuse in my first marriage and a violent crime/rape/attempted murder at the age of 10.

Symptoms can vary for everyone but can include physical pain such as chronic headaches, fatigue, chest pain, breathing issues, stomach and digestive problems, dizziness and migraines. Nightmares and flashbacks are common, so is insomnia, inability to stay asleep, depression, anxiety, withdrawal, seeking out risky behavior, avoidance of people or places, repressing memories, emotional numbing, fits of anger, inability to control emotions, hyperarousal, feeling on edge, feeling guilt or shame, hypervigilance, inability to concentrate, mood swings and much more. The symptoms are different for everyone and can change over time or happen when someone is triggered or reminded of the trauma.

I know myself very well, I know all my signs and symptoms. My husband and daughter know who I am and why I do the things I do; they are incredibly open and accepting and do not push for me to be anything more than who I am. Other people in my life do not understand and never will including close relatives. Some have told me to “grow up and stop being such a fucking baby”. People that have known me for short periods for time (2 months) have suggested I “just get over it” and accused me of having a “narcissistic thirstiness for crisis” and told me that I must not want to have healthy relationships. I take medication. I see a therapist. I see a psychiatrist. I am incredibly happy with my medical team. I do self-hypnosis, meditate, and EMDR therapy. I participate in life as well as I CAN. For some, this is not well enough because it does not seem “normal” to them.

The date of my violent crime is February 27th. Every year from around Oct until Feb 27th I have major issues. Some years have been worse than others, and some years the length of my issues my be shorter. During these times I am very hypervigilant. It is difficult for me to sleep most nights until the sun comes up. I then sleep for about 3 hours at a time during the day, several times a day. I am on CONSTANT high alert. This is all happening subconsciously, I am not ever thinking that something is going to happen, but in the back of my mind I guess I am waiting for it. I check to make sure the doors are locked at least a dozen times at night. When I do lay down to sleep as soon as I close my eyes the crime replays repeatedly in my head and it is as if it is in slow motion. I can smell his breath, I begin to shiver, and the room feels very cold, just like it was the night it happened. I try to talk myself out of these panic attacks until I can get some sleep. During these months I am overwhelmed, become foggy brained and tend to shut off from everyone and like to self-isolate. I am aware that this happens yearly and tell everyone I know that this is how I act before it happens.

The rest of the year I prefer to be in an open room by myself at all times. This means that I spend most of my days in the garage, I am the most comfortable in this situation because it is an open space, and I can see everything around me. I like the quiet because I can hear everything and will know if someone is approaching. I take breaks throughout the day to spend time with family but too much interaction is tough. I interact with friends and family via text, internet, phone calls, email, etc. and am usually in good spirits. There are far more good days than bad, and I do interact with family and sometimes friends and do go out once in while with groups of people or for entertainment purposes. However, I am most comfortable being alone. My brain functions in a way that makes it difficult to concentrate all the time, so I will lose my train of thought, I will lose words I am trying to say, I will lose the motivation to finish something I am working on. Sometimes I may become extremely tired and need to sleep for 8 hours and this may occur 2 hours after I have slept on entire night. I obsess over things; I constantly make lists and remake them to make sure I am not forgetting anything important. I talk to myself, in my head and out loud. I suffer from migraines that sometimes can last for months on end. Sometimes I do not sleep for 3 to 4 times at a time, because the violent crime is on auto replay in my head. My coping skill or escape mechanism is avoidance, of everything and everyone. I become numb to everything including pain. My symptoms also include a lot of guilt and shame and self-destructive behaviors at times. Showing any emotions other than optimism or happiness to others is difficult, I put on a happy face to the outside world and am willing to only share sadness with my husband and daughter. Showing true anger, outrage and fear or other emotions that may be negative is exceedingly difficult for me. I hold all my anger in so during the rare occasions that it has been released I become someone no one including myself likes, I explode like a monster and can not control what comes out of my mouth. My self-destructive behaviors include eating disorders, cutting myself, burning myself, intense self-hate talk, and overspending.

The people you may know, love or care for that have PTSD may not experience that same things I do but their lives are different than yours. The way they process many situations and emotions is different. The things that I would like people who know me to realize are:

I am aware of all the differences between myself and someone that does not have PTSD. I know that the way my brain processes things may not seem right to you, but it is how I live even with treatment. Please do not avoid me, talk behind my back or act as if I am overreacting or exaggerating my crisis. While I appreciate people in my life trying to help, unless I specifically ask for it ,I do not need it. I am well informed about what my disorder is and work through my symptoms with a medical team. I do not want anyone to think that they can “fix” me. It is not your job and it will leave you feeling like you have failed. Sometimes the damage from PTSD never goes away and we learn to live with the symptoms. The best we can hope for is that others learn to live with who we are without trying to turn us into who they think we should be.

Try not to get frustrated with me because you believe that I should just “forget about it” or “just move on”, I would LOVE to do these things, my brain will not allow it. Know that my need for alone time is not a personal attack on you, my brain requires extra time to process everything and I feel safest by myself. Do not apply pressure to me to share my issues with you, if I can share them I will, if I need to share them, I will do so, the things I went through are deeply personal and I do not need to express my pain and symptoms to you for us to be close or have a relationship or bond. Respect my boundaries and if they are not clear please ask me to explain myself better. Set boundaries for yourself as well and take care of your needs before mine. Accept me, all of me, the same way you would accept other people’s idiosyncrasies or character flaws without trying to or implying that I need to be “fixed”.

Communicate with me, ask questions that make you feel uncomfortable or that you think may make me feel uncomfortable, chances are that your behavior towards me or avoidance of the topic is even more uncomfortable. Open honest communication is key to all relationships so keep things real, do not sugar coat anything or treat me like a baby or like I am “damaged goods”. I have been through a traumatic experience; I can make it through some tough healthy conversations. There are times that I suffer from major depressive episodes and I appreciate my families concerns during those times, if you feel that your loved one is in harms way please be open with them and express your concerns as well.

Again, I am only speaking for myself, for my experience and my feelings. I cannot say for sure that everyone with PTSD would prefer to handle their life in the same fashion I do, but it is worth giving it a shot, learning more about the disorders on your own so that you have a better understanding and then approaching the person you know with PTSD as that, just a person, that has a medical disorder they live with and work on. They may feel as if they are alone and must keep their feelings to themselves because other people do not understand or do not want to understand. Open your mind and heart and just try to share in that person’s experience in a way that is best suited for them. The only way you will know what that will be is by asking and communicating without judgement, expectations of change that suite your needs and fear.

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