Medicated Me…

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By Bethany “BST2” Armstrong

I’ve been in a Funk… a deep, dark depression. Nothing gives me any enjoyment, I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to, and I’m always sad. After trying everything I could think of to pull myself out of that Oubliette of Hopelessness, I decided to get help. I figured if I can’t produce the Happy Brain Chemicals, maybe some pharmaceuticals can.

My Doc put me on Wellbutrin and Lexapro. I’ve lost all desire for food, I’m down from a pack to 3 cigarettes a day, I’ve lost several pounds, I’m constantly anxious, and I can’t sleep. The side effects are the main effects.

Insomnia is a bitch. I’ve had about 5 hours of sleep in the past 4 days. There’s no productivity, no cognition other than the voice in your head chanting “I need to sleep. I need to sleep.” When I’m able to doze, hypnogogic jerks are my alarm clock.

I’m not dragging during the day though my eyes are black pits. I have so much anxious energy that I’m constantly tapping my toes, bobbing my head, or twitch-twitch-twitching like a fiend. My brain is always sluggish, and my body is always raring to go.

I have to force myself to eat. I don’t crave anything. I can taste what I’m eating though nothing tastes “good”. I chew just fine but when it’s time to swallow I have to force myself to choke it down. The bright side is it’s easy to say no to pizza and pop, the bummer is I like pizza and pop.

The only thing worse than the way my meds make me feel is the depression. I feel horrible but not So Very Sad. My Doc assures me the worst of the side effects will pass in a week to a month’s time. Today marks one week. Wish me luck.

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